Namechanged ....
I love where I live but do sometimes wish people would just fuck off and focus on their own lives.
This is a bit long but I need to rant.
Background - single mum of 4 children, all now flown the nest or at Uni
I work from home and wifi went down on Monday so I decamped to the nearest coffee shop in village to use their wifi. Spotted a few other neighbours there too with the same idea so looked like I wasn't the only one with shit wifi maybe?
Anyway, doing my thing and in comes a woman who I know to say hello to. A friend of a friend, not a close acquaintance at all and I know next to nothing about her. She's with another woman who I don't recognise at all.
They order lunch and then ask if they can join me. I should have explained that I was working (and there were plenty of other free tables) but instead said that it was fine so they sat down.
Friend of a Friend (FOF) starts asking me how I am and we exchange bit of polite conversation. She then starts asking me about my 4 children.
More than just a 'how's family' type question but a bit more searching and she seems to know more about them then she should given the fact we barely know each other.
Now for some more background:
About 18 months ago, a man stopped to chat to me on my dog walk. I know he lives a few streets from me but don't know his name or anything else about him but we often pass when out walking the dogs to say hello (as you do when you have dogs!). We've been passing each other in this way almost daily for the last 10 years at least.
On this particular occasion, he seemed more keen to chat than usual and asked me about one of my daughters in particular and asked how she was doing.
His comments made it clear that he knew which country she lived in at the time and which Uni she was at and a few other details that I can only assume he got from looking her up on her FB page.
It was bloody creepy (she was 20 at that time and he must be in his late 50's at a guess), so I ended the conversation and mentioned it to my daughter and she tightened up her social media accounts to top privacy level.
Anyway, it came about that FOF is distantly related to this man and so when she started asking me about the children in the cafe I was wary and deliberately vague.
She also seemed to know quite a bit about them though, they are all abroad at the moment in different countries either on gap years, or working or on an Erasmus programme so she started asking me questions about that, who was where and doing what. I'm still trying to be vague ...
She asked whether I missed them (of course I do)
Whether I resented them leaving me on my own in the UK (erm of course not, I am enormously proud)
Then she asked how I could afford to support 4 children and afford flights out to visit them etc and support them through Uni (massive assumptions being made here that it's me having to finance these things but essentially no one else bloody business)
So I gave a vague jokey reply about 'kids eh' and 'thank god for Easy Jet'
but this wasn't enough and they clearly wanted more info, FOF looked at me really expectantly as if to say 'well - how do you manage it'
So I'm feeling really on the spot at this point, I'm a really private person normally and now I'm cornered (quite literally in the corner of the cafe).
I didn't want to be rude so I decided to make what I thought would be a really obvious joke and hope that they'd get the hint that this conversation wasn't going anywhere .....
Me: you really want me to explain in detail how I afford to support my children?
FOF: yes, I'm amazed at how anyone can afford it (again, massive assumptions being made by her that it is me that necessarily covers all these costs)
Me: I'm a sex worker I'm not
FOF: Really??? 
Me: yes it pays really well and it's really flexible although I was surprised that someone of my age and with my waistline would find the work
FriendofFOF : Are your clients anyone we would know?
Me: Well it's not the biggest village so yes I would imagine so.
I dont know why I continued contributing to the conversation as she clearly hasn't taken it to be a joke.
This all happened on Monday but she has now been telling everyone since that I am sex worker as the rumours have started and I can only assume that people actually fucking believe it.
I've been avoiding my usual dog walking route in order to avoid creepy neighbour.
I dont know what my AIBU is, I like living here, I feel settled here and it feels like home but I now clearly have to fucking move.
I'm a stupid, STUPID arse and shouldn't be allowed out in public - I don't know how to handle this as I am an awkward moo in social situations and I just know that any further attempts on my part will just end up making things 100 times worse.
Think of the love child of Miranda Hart and Mr Bean and you will just about be able to picture my level of social skill in public 
I just need to get this off my chest - apologies 