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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to 'Ghost' someone I met OD?

28 replies

1CantPickAName · 11/04/2019 08:21

A little back story: I am married, separated 2.5 years with no chance of reconciliation, we were together for 17 years,. We have 2 kids, the split was amicable and we co-parent very closely. Obviously, having kids makes me cautious about dating.

Every couple of months I go online and chat to men on a dating website, then I realise quickly that the men that I've been in contact with are either weird, creepy or not for me then I log off and carry on with my life until I get lonely again and try OD again. I have been on 3 dates with 2 men since I have been single but they weren't for me.

Anyway....2 weeks ago I log on again and someone catches my eye. He is (according to his profile) 44, his picture shows him to be an average build, the type I find attractive. His profile is written as if by a female colleague and comes across as humorous and also says he has a 6 year old. I'm 41 and it 'ticked my boxes', so we started to chat and then spoke on the phone and agreed to meet.

We met last weekend and, well, he looked older than 44 and had an obvious beer belly which was not in his profile pictures. He was not attractive to me, at all, in fact he reminded me of one of my friend's dads. We got on well, had a laugh, but no chemistry on my side. Then as we were talking he said that he had been off that site for 3 years and when he logged on his old profile was still there. Then he says that his child is actually 11 not 6. He didn't say anything about his age and I didn't really think about it at the time. But that night in bed it hit me, so the profile info and pictures are actually 5 years old! He must be 49/50 not 44! That does explain a lot. I have nothing against 49/50yo men, my ex is 50 this year. But to so blatantly use an out of date profile and old pictures of yourself?!

We are supposed to be going out tonight for dinner and I really don't want to go. So my AIBU or WWYD is, do I just ghost him or reply or what? I was thinking of logging onto my profile and write something about people using old profiles and pictures but that feels a bit pointless and passive aggressive?!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/04/2019 08:26

Why did you agree to have dinner with him when you've met and he doesn't look like his profile? Send him a message and say there wasn't a spark

JustRestingForNow · 11/04/2019 08:26

I think honesty is the best policy here. Tell him there was no chemistry - you said your were not attracted on first meeting - and that’s you’ve decided not to go on the date tonight. Keep it brief.
Ghosting is cruel and distrespectful, even if the other person has been an idiot. Two wrongs don’t make a right!

SavageBeauty73 · 11/04/2019 08:27

Don't ghost. It's cruel and unnecessary. Just say you don't want to take it further, good luck with your search.

stanski · 11/04/2019 08:27

Ghosting is cruel. Just tell him there wasn't a spark

Siameasy · 11/04/2019 08:28

It’s awkward but tell him sorry you have changed your mind.

Marlena1 · 11/04/2019 08:33

Ghosting is a bit cruel. To me, that's a bigger offense than an old photo. I know honesty is the best policy but you could tell a white lie and maybe say you're just not readyHmmAs for the post, I dont think that you would ever change the fact that people lie onlineGrin

ABoozedMoose · 11/04/2019 08:33

You say you had a laugh with him so why not give it another go.

Definitely tell him you don't want to meet again if you don't want to - ghosting is horrible and rude.

As for the photos, everyone uses flattering photos on their profile (even you I assume) so you are going to be in for a lot of disappointment when you meet dates as he is definitely not alone.

Bottom line though - don't ghost

Witchofzog · 11/04/2019 08:35

Treat him the way you want to be treated yourself. You wouldn't like to get dressed up for dinner just to be stood up. That isn't even ghosting- that's just plain rude. Just message him and say you have thought about it and didn't feel any chemistry so it is probably best not to go for dinner.

Witchofzog · 11/04/2019 08:37

Oh and forget the passive aggressive comments too. When I was doing OLD anyone who did this didn't get a look in. It just makes you look like a nob

Thehop · 11/04/2019 08:38

Hi

“I’m sorry I won’t be able to make dinner tonight. I enjoyed our drinks but don’t see a future there. Good luck!”

Or something

Farmerswifey12 · 11/04/2019 08:38

Horrible of you to consider that

Be respectful and just send him a brief message being honest

DanielRicciardosSmile · 11/04/2019 08:39

Either go for the dinner and then say you don't want to take things any further, or cancel this morning and say you don't want to take things any further. Ghosting is rude, and standing someone up is despicable.

And don't put little PA comments on your profile either, it'll just make you look odd.

LordWheresMyShoes · 11/04/2019 08:40

I hate ghosting, it's just damn rude and leaves them with questions. Be a decent human and tell him you've changed your mind about seeing him again.

Philosykoss · 11/04/2019 08:43

He is lying about his age and not being on the site for 3 years though. 1, his age would have updated as you have to put your DoB in, and 2, the profile would have probably been deleted after so long

Original poster
1CantPickAName · 11/04/2019 08:43

@Witchofzog I would never stand him up, that would be awful.

I don't know why I'm so conflicted over this. I agree that being colourful with the truth is par of the course for online dating. What got me was that although he said his profile was old, he never told me his real age, I just put 2 & 2 together.

I'm not going to ghost him, I'll just message him and say sorry, you're not my type.

OP posts:
Witchofzog · 11/04/2019 08:44

Good plan then at least he knows and you can both start again

EleanorOalike · 11/04/2019 08:45

Ghosting is much worse than an out of date profile. Don’t be that person!

NorthernKnickers · 11/04/2019 08:45

What others have said...don't ghost, it's cruel.

As for his out of date profile...he must have knocked a few years off his age when he signed up, as these sites automatically 'up' your age each birthday (which you have to have put in at the sign up stage!). So just because he's not logged in for a few years makes not one jot of difference! His age would have continued to go up by a year every year!

Good luck in your dating x

Witchofzog · 11/04/2019 08:54

My friend is doing OLD and she came across a guy who I was talking to in 2012 who was 39. Apparently he is now 38 Hmm

WitsEnding · 11/04/2019 08:54

Even if he hasn't logged in for years, his age should still be 'correct' on his profile - it usually calculates from your DOB. If you don't fancy him, message him to cancel. Don't stand him up!

jameswong · 11/04/2019 09:00

Just message him now:

"Really sorry, had a change of heart about our date tonight. Don't want to move forward with our dating. Thanks for a nice evening last time. All the best".

Done.

Dieu · 11/04/2019 09:01

Don't ghost, ffs. You are a grown adult, presumably with the ability, integrity and maturity to explain why you don't want to see him again.

Patroclus · 11/04/2019 10:29

Just say you arnt up for dealing with near teenagers just yet or something. Dont behave like a scumbag to ok people.

CapeDaisy5 · 11/04/2019 10:30

No. Who are they to you? Ghost away

Patroclus · 11/04/2019 10:30

And yeah those sort of PA cmments make it look like you're the sort whos looking to make their EX jealous and will jump when they tell you to.