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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sometimes being the oldest sibling is a bit shit?

46 replies

colouringinpro · 10/04/2019 22:08

fairly lighthearted

But actually I end up doing a fair bit of parenting of my siblings (partly cos dm not well, for ages).

But mainly cos I've done the life stages first, marriage, kids, kids with major health problems, and although they're kind generally, they've no idea at all what it's like. And it can feel pretty lonely. Yes I know that's what friends are for and I value them immensely, but my siblings (3) support and understanding of each other is v different to my experience. Sometimes like this week, it's tough.

Hmm maybe not so light hearted Hmm

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 10/04/2019 22:12

It sounds tough. Older siblings tend to be more intelligent.

My sister is 8 years old and moved out at 20 while I was left behind to be young carer. Different families, different dynamics.

Kitsandkids · 10/04/2019 22:16

My mum is the eldest of 4 and often points out how, in families with more than one child, the eldest is often expected to ‘grow up’ and be sensible at an age when the youngest, when they get to the same age, still gets to be the baby.

HaveACupOfCoffee · 10/04/2019 22:20

Definitely. As soon as I turned 10 I was the childcare provider for 2 siblings age 8 and 5 during the holidays. I was 12 when my mum had another baby, who also became my responsibility when she went back to work. She sometimes did night shifts at the weekends (nurse) so I’d have them all day while she slept and all night whilst she was out. This was late 80s/early 90s and although more ‘acceptable’ then, I missed out on a proper childhood.
Looking back I don’t know why she wasn’t reported to SS, and I sort of wish she was in a way.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 11/04/2019 05:06

Older siblings tend to be more intelligent.

What?! Is there any proven research for this? Surely that makes as much sense as saying that older siblings tend to be taller, or have poor eyesight, or are introverts?

Baffled!

Aerop · 11/04/2019 05:11

I was the youngest of 4. Hated it. As pp said different dynamics for different families.

Lweji · 11/04/2019 05:17

Yes, there's research.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/siblings-eldest-cleverest-children-intelligence-study-brothers-sisters-a8404741.html

Although, it doesn't mean that all older siblings are more intelligent.

And younger siblings who are also stimulated by older siblings may get an advantage too (see my younger brother).

HBStowe · 11/04/2019 06:44

If it any consolation I think it’s more due to who you are as a person than your age. I am the middle sibling but somehow the responsibility always lands in my lap (sole executor of my parents’ wills, powers of attorney, emergency contact on their records as well as those of my siblings, always the one called upon in an emergency etc). My parents love me and my siblings absolutely equally and are totally fair, but always say I am the steady pair of hands.

That said it doesn’t sound like you get much support back from your siblings, which must be hard. It might be worth having a chat with them about it - they probably haven’t even realised and just see it as the normal family dynamic.

Raspberry88 · 11/04/2019 07:05

the eldest is often expected to ‘grow up’ and be sensible at an age when the youngest, when they get to the same age, still gets to be the baby.

Yeah, I felt this definitely. I'm the oldest of 4. I also felt like I had so many expectations on my shoulders. My parents made it fairly clear that they left home at 18 to go to uni and I would do the same. Absolutely fine, that's what I wanted, but also that I shouldn't come back and then I needed to look after myself. They relaxed so much after me and all my siblings went home after uni and used the money saved on rent to do extra training etc whilst I just spent years going from one minimum wage job to another. I also used to get told that I was lucky as I'd had my parents to myself before the others. Yeah, until I was 2, not like I remember. Whereas my youngest sibling has a great relationship with my parents as they spent so much time together as adults. I also think they were very hard on my fairly normal teenage behaviour but chilled out massively over the years. I did have to look after my siblings a lot and if there were any arguments it was my fault because I should have been the most sensible. I really didn't like it at all.

Bagpuss5 · 11/04/2019 07:11

How old are your siblings??

whoami24601 · 11/04/2019 07:19

Serious question- what could your parents have done differently but while still maintaining an equal balance? I'm the youngest of 4 so have no experience but I'm very aware of this for my DD, who is the oldest of 3 now.

Thindragon · 11/04/2019 07:21

I find when your parents die, some of those dynamics shift.

Mumshappy · 11/04/2019 07:22

I think the first born is often subject to harsher standards and expectations then parents become more relaxed with second born, third born etc.

toucantoo · 11/04/2019 07:43

So many oldest siblings on here saying 'yup, definitely'!!!! HmmTruth is,as others have said, different families have different dynamics. I've known plenty of families where the older sibling is a male and the younger female sibling has been left with the bulk of the caring for elderly parents. So does that mean female siblings have it worse?? I've also known families where the older siblings leave home whilst the younger ones are still young. Again, the middle sibling ends up babysitting the youngest and the youngest ends up caring for the parents. It's all dependent on the family

thecatsthecats · 11/04/2019 07:47

I'm a youngest of four. I recall a lot of running around after the adults (parents and teen siblings) as a child, trying to get them to stop fighting.

Oh, and once I got to be a teenager, I got all the rules they made up BECAUSE of the elder ones.

But at least I outperformed them all in a levels I guess.

CurbsideProphet · 11/04/2019 07:53

I wouldn't say the eldest always has all the responsibility. I'm the youngest and I look after our grandparents when our parents are away, because even though my eldest sibling lives round the corner (compared to my 20 miles away) they are "too busy".
Our parents help them a lot with childcare (2.5 days every week) and won't be doing the same for me next year.

Enb76 · 11/04/2019 08:25

I’m the youngest of four, but as we’ve all got older all the responsibility lands in my lap - I think this is because I am the only female child. I hold all the POAs and I am considered to be the executor that will get things done and the others will just have to sign stuff. So, anecdotally I would say it possibly falls to the oldest female child!

jamoncrumpets · 11/04/2019 08:41

It's nothing to do with being the oldest. I'm the middle one. I'm the only one married with children. I'm the only one that owns a home and a car. I was the only one to go to university.

I do most of the extended family admin.

wonkylegs · 11/04/2019 08:43

I hate being the eldest
I had to look after my siblings when I was little and I'm still expected to make allowances for them now
We are dealing with a bit of a shit situation with my sister at the moment - all of her own making. When I told my dad I'd lost patience with her as I had had to spend hours and hours of my life affecting my job, kids and health (she however seems to be doing bugger all except throwing the odd tantrum (she's 33!)) sorting out her mess and I was setting a deadline for her getting it sorted or I would take drastic action. I was told I was being too harsh and that I needed to cut her some slack as it was hard for her as she had no money. She has no money because she has spent 9mths travelling and then refused to take any job offered as they weren't quite what she wanted!!!!

sighrollseyes · 11/04/2019 08:51

I'm the oldest and didn't necessarily feel that I had to do childcare but when I got older I felt really hard done by that my parents wouldn't let me do things at x age but then my younger bro and sis could do things at a much younger age than I was allowed. I was definitely subject to stricter rules than my younger siblings.

EleanorOalike · 11/04/2019 08:52

I’m sorry you feel this way and that you have had a hard time. I’m the youngest sibling by a long way and have been left to care for aging grandparents and parents while my older sibling does nothing at all. I’ve also been expected to look after their own children. I basically didn’t get a 20s due to my caring responsibilities and now I’m 35 and have most likely missed out on a family of my own because for so much of my life I’ve been taking care of older relatives. It would have been nice if the responsibility had been shared a bit more but as my sibling was a lot older and already married when I left school, it was all left to me. So I don’t think it’s a birth order thing. More a people not sharing the load thing.

flowersinthebedroom · 11/04/2019 08:54

I'm the eldest of 3 and there's 4 yrs between us all but I feel and act at least 20yrs older than the youngest sibling. He's very much into young person's vocabulary and activity, where I'm the old fart complaining about music being too loud and in bed before 10pm.

What I do think is shit is being the only female child, they seem to end up as default carers.

GoldenPineapples · 11/04/2019 08:58

I don't think it's always about being the eldest either.

I'm the youngest and the only one out of my siblings to have children.

My elder sister was always more free to go off and be independent and wasn't expected to check in so much because she was off achieving.. whereas I was expected to be more home bound and babied.

My auntie was also the youngest of 4 and was the only one who really felt the strain and burden of caring for their elderly parents until they died. The other 3 were off living their lives and would pop in from time to time.

Quite often the youngest isn't encouraged to go off and do well in the way older siblings are. Maybe this is partly due to parents relaxing more with each sibling and partly because it's the parents "last child" so they would feel a sense of empty ness syndrome.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 11/04/2019 10:05

Yeah. I only have the one sibling but my parents both worked full time and as soon as I hit secondary school at age 11 i was suddenly expected to collect my dbro from primary every day and look after him til dm got in from work. I was also stuck with him all day every day in the school hols. I never got to meet up with my friends etc in the holidays or after school and it really affected my friendships. My parents could easily have afforded to keep using childcare for dbro, they just decided they didn't need to.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 11/04/2019 10:10

I used to think being eldest was really hard. But now I have my own DCs and also see that the eldest got the benefit of 3 years of sole attention, while the others always have to share, and still has some of the benefit of seeing us more by being the latest to bed etc. By the time my ds2 and 3 get older there won't just be one child up late and getting more focus. Similarly with classes and things, the eldest got more, but now we're so busy and more financially stretched, the younger ones get one each.

That said, I do think that it's easy to expect way more from your eldest, I sometimes do and have to catch myself. But it's not all perfect being youngest (or middle) either.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 11/04/2019 10:11

I also think that being the eldest and a daughter can be a double whammy. Eldest boys seem to see fewer of the downsides.