To think sometimes being the oldest sibling is a bit shit?

[colouringinpro]

fairly lighthearted

But actually I end up doing a fair bit of parenting of my siblings (partly cos dm not well, for ages).

But mainly cos I've done the life stages first, marriage, kids, kids with major health problems, and although they're kind generally, they've no idea at all what it's like. And it can feel pretty lonely. Yes I know that's what friends are for and I value them immensely, but my siblings (3) support and understanding of each other is v different to my experience. Sometimes like this week, it's tough.

Hmm maybe not so light hearted

My mum was a single parent and my sister was six years older.

To this day, my responsibilities include my mum - my sister just fucked off and got her own life, never bothered about what was left back at home but because I was the last to leave the responsibilities fell to me.

As others have said, different family dynamics. I’d bloody love to be the eldest!

Older siblings tend to be more intelligent.

Spat my coffee and laughed, proper laughed out loud!

I'm the youngest. Totally the best position IMO!

Parents got all their parental angst and strict rules out of the way on my sibling and were way more chilled with me. Later life stage and more money, more time, more experience.

Plus got an awesome big sibling who who I totally loved and adored and who was always lovely with me.

I do think being the eldest is hard. Most elder sibling say they have had caring duties for younger siblings, taken on a share of the housework etc.

Really interesting. Yes I totally agree, it's not a blanket thing, and I can see how youngest kids can end up with more caring for parents responsibilities too.

Stuck I think you're on it re female eldest too, and being that safe pair of hands.

What do you mean by caring for siblings, are they teens.
If they are adults I would def not be the go to person, in the end people are happiest making their own way in the world, constant help from family backfires into making someone a needy or lazy person.

I think sometimes there is an idealised expectation of siblings, you know those sickly “best friends for life” posts you see on Facebook when the mum happens to photograph the kids in the 5 min of the day they aren’t trying to kill each other🤣.

It’s probably very little to do with birth order, more to do with the personality of the siblings. Having a sibling is certainly not the guarantee for not feeling lonely like many people think. You can be very different people. It’s probably just that you have a more nurturing nature than your siblings.

I'm the youngest of 3 and definitely take all the responsibility where my mum's needs are concerned. I seem to end up being the go-between whilst trying to please 3 (including my mum) very awkward people as well.

I am the only sibling to have children so far, which my parents always predicted as they always saw me as the most mature minded.

So I don't think it sucks being a certain age, just a certain type of person!

And sometimes being the oldest is the best. Pros and cons with each birth order.

My eldest has definitely benefited from attention as a newborn (from everyone! First grandchild). Benefitted from being the only one doing homework for the first few years. Only one getting to go to parties, stay up later, and getting to go places with my DH that aren’t suitable for bringing 2 or more kids to. He could now take the second child instead but first child is ingrained so still only he goes. Things like that. My others will never get the one-on-one my eldest gets.

Im the younger sibling. I did the marriage, kids, kids with health problems before my older sibling who has no idea what its like.

Older sibling has had loads of cash handouts from parents cos of financial immaturity. I watched and learnt and never depended on my parents like that.

Oh, and my sister thinks my parents have 'youngest child bias' towards me...

But she accidentally included me in an email to them recently, and it was APPALLING! Patronising, rude, condescending - and she wonders why they have a better relationship with me!

Two sides to every story.

I'm piggy in the middle with 2 older brothers and 2 younger sisters. DM popped the 3 oldest out 18 months apart then there's a gap of nearly 7 years between me and next sibling down.

I seemed to be the black sheep in my teens but in adulthood the weight of expectation has fallen on me to fulfill the caring roles and practical helping roles. The others mainly just got on with enjoying their lives and saw DP on high days and holidays. Of course it could be that somehow I just became the caring one because of helping DP's with the younger same sex DC.

Maybe it's due to being the eldest female and role stereotyping. SIL is middle child too with, again, 2 older brothers and 2 younger sisters. Everything falls to her too.

IME the oldest and youngest siblings are hero-worshipped probably understandably, firstborn experience can never be repeated and then the last born always being the baby of the family.

I'm the middle one yet I'm the "responsible adult" of the family, while my older brother still lives at home in his childhood bedroom, and my younger sister gets a lot of support.

It's always just been accepted that my brother needs extra help, even though he's 2 years older than me and has no diagnosed sn. Even as children I was expected to do loads more than him despite being younger. I suspect some unconscious sexism from extended family.

My sister has had a few issues as an adult, stemming from an abusive relationship in her twenties, leaving her with 2 kids and no career. So she rightly gets the support she needs, both financially and practically. I have absolutely no problem with supporting her in any way she needs, and she tries to offer emotional support as much as she can.

My friend's husband was a "late surprise" with two much older sisters. A lot of his care was shunted on to them, and I suspect that this is one of the reasons that they are not on very friendly terms now; they found him a bit of a drag when they were teenagers.
But I have another friend whose much younger sister adores him, sees him as a kind of "second dad", and they are very close. I think other family dynamics come into play here.

it depends on so many things

I think my older sister probably felt it was annoying being responsible - e.g. being left home alone as the babysitter for me.

in adult life, it hasn't made much difference. I live closer to mum so do more stuff for her. There will be swings and roundabouts for us as it looks like sis might be moving closer as well.

As adults, I don't think my parents attached expectations to either of us as older or younger. That probably finished in late teens, I think.

I feel really sorry for siblings who are the oldest of a few. My mum was the youngest of several and I think her elder siblings were sick to death of kids by the time they became old enough to think of having their own, and decided against it. Not surprised - if you have done your fair share by 16, why on earth would you do it all again?!

I'm glad I'm not the eldest. My Dsis is a much better first born than I could have been.

I like being the eldest. And I'm definitely the most intelligent

Oldest of two but the gap is small. I think there are advantages of being oldest and youngest but being in the middle generally sucks. DH refused to have a third child as he hated being middle child so much

I'm the eldest by a 12 year gap and DSis and DB have the same father but different to me. It's hard to seperate out what is 'older sibling' and what is 'step parenting' and then what was mental health problems, which started in childhood and got progressively worse to my early 30s until I got a handle on it.
There was an expectation that I helped with practical things around the house and some childcare, and I was usually to blame for things not done. I left at 16, and missed a lot of their childhood.
DB is very similar to me, and the youngest, still at home and supported financially by DM, DSis is middle child and is in a professional job, buying a house, been to uni etc. She's the one that DM asks for help, I think because she thinks DB and I can't even cope with ourselves, never mind anything else. I tend to bear the blame for any issues, both now and retrospectively, but DSis does do the practical stuff and DB, well he contributes very little to the family.
I think it's each individual family dynamics and the role within the family people find themselves in.

I've been thinking this too but with regards to my own children. I was definitely a nervous first time mum, had babysat as a teen so knew the basics but the worrying hit me hard. Ds is a wonderful kid but I can see how we held him back too much eg saying 'careful' if he climbed anything, did far too much for him, basically molly coddled him. 2nd round I was so much more relaxed and as a result dd is better socially and more adventurous. By the time we had dd3, I was so much more chilled and better at dealing with tantrums, generally had more patience. I feel a bit sorry for ds but hes happy.
My oldest sister was the last of us to settle down and I know she found it hard seeing us all settled thinking she should have been the 1st. But then our parents were younger when they had her so I guess you lose experienced parents being the first but gain more energetic ones? Lol

All eldest think they've got it worst, middle think the same, so do you fest 😂 My mums got seven, when the eldest got married massive fanfare, planning, excitement...... by the time you get to five and six it's like yeah, been there, done that. Same with other life milestones, including grandchildren. Yes we're all loved equally, we get the same money and help broadly speaking...... but the enthusiasm for parenting has really waned with time. Swings and roundabouts imo.