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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my child’s condition?

77 replies

Alwaysgrey · 10/04/2019 17:52

I know this awful before I get flamed but I can’t say this to anyone in RL. I have several dc. Two have special needs but my youngest (7) is severely affected. He has autism, he can’t speak, screeches every two minutes and has a health condition meaning he can’t eat certain foods. He has only just started sleeping through the night. I’m also trying to support my older child as she also has Sen. I’m starting to hate my life and my youngest child’s condition. Youngest cannot be with anyone but me or my husband or school. My parents thankfully take the older two out on occasion but holidays are so tough as I struggle on my own. This is probably the most terrible part but I wish I’d never had him. I know that’s awful and I hate myself for it but he has ruined our lives. I won’t ever work again, we can’t go certain places because of my youngest and we’ve become horribly socially isolated and I’m struggling to socialise as I feel in a deep pit. As I write this my youngest is screaming in a short, sharp blast. Somedays I look at him and hate feeling this way. As well as feeling so guilty. I can’t fix this, I know I can’t. He’s getting harder as he gets older. There isn’t any help. Disability services are on it knees. I’ve been taught to hide my emotions and can’t express to anyone around me just how fucking awful our lives are. I’m petrified for my son when he grows up and so scared that I could die early leaving my children to deal with him. I just don’t have any energy left to deal with him and life feels so so bleak.

OP posts:

PineapplePatty · 10/04/2019 17:55

I haven't got an advice but that sounds so incredibly difficult

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 10/04/2019 17:56

for you OP. I have no idea of how you must feel in your situation but from my point of view you have every right to hate the condition and YANBU at all.
Didn't want to read and run but sorry for no real advice xx

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 10/04/2019 17:56

No advice

So sorry always

Try not to feel guilty, you are under immense strain

HollowTalk · 10/04/2019 17:57

That sounds so tough. There's a really good special needs section on MN - you will get much more knowledgeable people on there who can help you.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 10/04/2019 17:58

Yanbu

needanappp · 10/04/2019 17:59

I don't have any knowledge that can help but I feel I have to say, you are not a bad mother for feelinf like this. You are exhausted. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult and it's one that no one can imagine living in unless they are doing it themselves.

I hope someone with or knowledge can help in some wah

Mumof1andacat · 10/04/2019 18:00

Have you looked in to local charities for support for kids and yourself/husband? Most provide groups and support services. What about some talking therapy for you?

Waveysnail · 10/04/2019 18:01

Ger yourself to asd parents support group. Lots people will be in the same position and you can let these feelings out without being judged. Have you a disability social worker?

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2019 18:03

Alwaysgrey please do not be angry at yourself for this response. It is totally understandable that you feel so sad and frustrated.

Are there any special schools which can provide overnight or respite care at all? Any charities that can help?

You have every right to look for extra help and not to feel guilty for needing it.

If your child were adopted you could access various supports, so there may be some options for you.

Please look for all possible help and make a fuss if it isn't available. My heart goes out to you. Buy please don't stop looking for support.

Original poster

Alwaysgrey · 10/04/2019 18:04

The nearest support group is over 30 minutes away. But I will try and go. We have no social worker, no anything. I’ve referred one of the kids to carers to see if I can get him some support. School aren’t supportive at all. The other child with Sen has episodes where she says she wants to kill herself so we’re buying for private therapist but it will need to be in school time. I’ve reported this to the school but they’ve not referred us anywhere either. The future just feels so so bleak. Somedays I wake up hoping my son doesn’t wake up and I hate myself for it but I’m so tired.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2019 18:05

I meant if you had adopted a child with additional needs.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/04/2019 18:05

You aren't wrong for how you feel, feelings are just feelings, they aren't inherently right or wrong .

Fluffymullet · 10/04/2019 18:08

I'm so sorry @alwaysgrey that sounds very difficult and hard to see how it will improve. You never know what you are signing up to when you have a baby.

You must surely be eligible for some respite care for your youngest? I know services have been hugely cut but I would hope you would get some support .

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2019 18:08

My child has also expressed suicidal thoughts. We have been referred, again, to CAMHS. You can send refer or be referred via school or GP. If school not helping make urgent appointment for you and older child.

We also accessed free local counselling via a charity but there is a wait.

Agree with previous poster that the special needs section here is very helpful.

DisappearingGirl · 10/04/2019 18:08

Oh my goodness that sounds awful, you poor thing. And the relentlessness of it. I think I would absolutely feel the same in your shoes. Sorry I have no helpful advice. If there are any opportunities for help, I think you shouldn't feel guilty to make a fuss and push and push for whatever help you can get. I know services are stretched to breaking though

mynameisMrG · 10/04/2019 18:09

Bless you that sounds unimaginably hard. Does your LA or any charities nearby offer respite care? Might help to have some time away be it only temporary. I know parents who use this and it helps them.

Hazeintheclouds · 10/04/2019 18:09

There is help and support available out there - I should thing your GP can help with addresses and so on. No one is going to flame you, OP, because your honest feelings are entirely understandable. You are in a difficult position and the isolation and guilt you feel are dragging you down. Don’t feel bad about your feelings and thoughts.

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2019 18:09

Can you talk to your local MP and get them helping with the additional needs of both kids?

Fluffymullet · 10/04/2019 18:10

I was also going to say you deserve a medal not a flaming, it's a bloody hard life with kids with SEN. That's my opinion as a HCP and it breaks my heart that services get cut and parents and children suffer

Hazeintheclouds · 10/04/2019 18:11

think

Italiangreyhound · 10/04/2019 18:11

Always make it about the kids and their needs, even though your needs are equally valid! If you are not receiving help them your whole family is being failed. Make a fuss. It must be so hard. We are all with you and know that what you are carrying is so tough.

bridgetosomewhere · 10/04/2019 18:14

Are you entitled to any out of school care? I work at a SEN school and lots of PSAs take kids after school and during holidays and weekends as the parents are entitled to support worker time.

Some of them are out with us practically every night and weekend so the funding is there....

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. God knows we are tired at the end of a school day and we get to go home alone.

But I do think the above will help immensely if you can find the funding for it

youarenotkiddingme · 10/04/2019 18:18

You feel the way you do because you are exhausted. Don't blame yourself for that.

Practice advice though is you are entitled to a SW. ring and ask. If you don't get one then use the form on contact (google website) to write to them and explain that legally they must do a disability needs assessment.
You need a break. Whether that's respite care or carer to come to your house.

stucknoue · 10/04/2019 18:18

Firstly hugs. Secondly do you have a social worker, if not demand one - you need respite and potentially a residential term time placement, this is cheaper than the alternative, foster care and be forceful about it, they won't offer you have to demand. My asd child is difficult but could speak from 5 so very different, however we have friends with non verbal asd kids and they went to a great school Mon-Friday which basically saved their parents sanity.

BlackeyedGruesome · 10/04/2019 18:19

God, I hate the screaming, goes right through you and leaves you right on edge all the time it is likely. mines not even that bad and I have scream free periods. goodness knows how you ar emanaging with it all the time.

YANBU to hate the condition, it is hard work, exhausting.

hope you find the thread helpful

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