To hate my child’s condition?

[Alwaysgrey]

I know this awful before I get flamed but I can’t say this to anyone in RL. I have several dc. Two have special needs but my youngest (7) is severely affected. He has autism, he can’t speak, screeches every two minutes and has a health condition meaning he can’t eat certain foods. He has only just started sleeping through the night. I’m also trying to support my older child as she also has Sen. I’m starting to hate my life and my youngest child’s condition. Youngest cannot be with anyone but me or my husband or school. My parents thankfully take the older two out on occasion but holidays are so tough as I struggle on my own. This is probably the most terrible part but I wish I’d never had him. I know that’s awful and I hate myself for it but he has ruined our lives. I won’t ever work again, we can’t go certain places because of my youngest and we’ve become horribly socially isolated and I’m struggling to socialise as I feel in a deep pit. As I write this my youngest is screaming in a short, sharp blast. Somedays I look at him and hate feeling this way. As well as feeling so guilty. I can’t fix this, I know I can’t. He’s getting harder as he gets older. There isn’t any help. Disability services are on it knees. I’ve been taught to hide my emotions and can’t express to anyone around me just how fucking awful our lives are. I’m petrified for my son when he grows up and so scared that I could die early leaving my children to deal with him. I just don’t have any energy left to deal with him and life feels so so bleak.

Oh op I understand. I have a daughter with asd. She is non verbal and the holidays are hard. We also get no support and I have had to give up my career to be her for her, which I am sad about.
Just sending you a big hug and telling you your not alone in the way you feel.

As a Mum of a 19yr old severely autistic teen with learning disabilities - I'd like to agree most people have covered all your options.
Yes it is very hard work & often heart-breaking, so you need help! Family is great, if they practically support you, real friends to listen (& help in small ways), ask the school about attending an Earlybird course [the basics] & should run a support group & sessions (get to meet others in the same basket) & their support/everyday chat can be very useful & normalising - we were all clueless beginners once.

People keep mentioning social workers etc. but they do have huge case loads; your local Carers Centre have a lot to offer - can support you in giving you local information, writing letters, doing those crappy forms, & being there with you for meetings with professionals - generally having your back.

What has been left out is your local GP (the ones you gel with best) - use them, book regular appointments when you feel down & overwhelmed, they will talk through things with you; & they can put pressure on Social Services/Health & Education. They can also get to know you & your child, take him along with you. You can always ask for a double appointment for you & your child/children!

About the screaming - that's usually down to frustration & not being able to communicate with you. Get back to basics e.g. baby talk i.e. more, drink, food, sleepy time, singing/music is very soothing. PECs worked for my son at school, but I was too undisciplined at home, but he does understand more words than we know - so keep on trying. Mine is now saying 4 word sentences occasionally when it suits him, others start much earlier (yes, it hurts that others are more able - but that's life & life can be tough).

When you guys get those good & funny moments hang on to them. There will be many more with time.

Take care of yourself - we can only do our best under the circumstances & you are a . Try not to isolate yourself, go for very short walks with him (or alone when they are in sch) - cos' we all need a bit of fresh air & the odd treat .

PS. In my loneliest moments over the years, I have called Samaritans many times - who are great at listening, & available in the early hours free of charge.