“Playdate” etiquette

[notsosureaboutthatthough]

Firstly the word playdate makes my teeth itch.
What’s the normal for everyone else. If you offer to have someone’s child over, say, age 7/8/9, do you go pick them up and return them home after or expect their parents to do any pick ups or drop offs?
Same goes for when your child is invited to someone’s house, would you offer to drop them off or pick them up or expect it is part of the deal?
How long do you keep the child or expect yours to be away for roughly?
And do you offer food at tea time or send them away before then?
Would you allow them “out to play” while at yours or expect yours to Be allowed out at theirs?

This is all assuming you aren’t friends already with the parents and don’t know each other that well.

Thanks!

I usually do them after school so child comes home with mine.

They play out the same way my kids do. I give them dinner around maybe 5.30? And a small treat because it’s a play day.

Then if another child has an acitivity and it suits, I’ll drop them home or mum/dad will pick them up. Never after 7pm latest.

Usually play dates have them straight after school, dinner at 5pm and drop them off but this is usually as we have another group to go to so it’s easier as we are in the car anyway.

We have started doing weekend play dates which is more of a faff tbh. Usually I drop off and the parent drops back and typically 2-3 hours.

I always preferred to drop them home myself, so I could be in control of when the play date ended. In case it got really stressful, or in case the other parents turned up late.

After school for a few hours home by 6.30 no way I’d let kids play out on the street at that age, I’d ask what the children want for their evening meal and maybe ice cream for desert. My Son is a little younger but don’t think my ideas will change as he grows.

After school, dinner at 5/5.30, then parent shows up to collect (I can't do dropoff as have other dcs and DH has the car during the day).

Definitely no playing out at this age, but then we live in a slightly rough area of London, might be different somewhere more rural.

It’s safe as houses to play out here. When I say “out” they’re not on a busy street. We’re more a small collection of houses on a cul de sac.

It depends !

If you offer to have someone’s child over, say, age 7/8/9, do you go pick them up and return them home after or expect their parents to do any pick ups or drop offs? - you would be expected to take them home from school with you

Same goes for when your child is invited to someone’s house, would you offer to drop them off or pick them up or expect it is part of the deal? - you would expect the mother to take yoru child home with her

How long do you keep the child or expect yours to be away for roughly? Depends on age - would expect to collect a 5/6/7 year old at about 6.30 or 7 latest. A little later for 8/9

And do you offer food at tea time or send them away before then? OMG you cant have a playdate without feeding them

Would you allow them “out to play” while at yours or expect yours to Be allowed out at theirs? Depends where you live and the general culture of the area

See usually I’d do after school too, but this was my first weekend one and it went a bit odd I thought.
I offer *katy over by asking her mum in playground and she said yes.
Fast forward to that morning and I text to ask what time I should pick her up. She replied saying “ Katy is ready now” (at 9:30am) which I thought was early but maybe she didn’t MEAN it like that. So I replied at 10:30 saying I could get there for 11:00 . She said ok.
So I got there and Katy’s older sister (about 12) opened door and said have fun bye. And door was shut. Fair enough.
I thought maybe a quick chat to sort drop off times etc.. do I give lunch and drop home or keep til dinner I wasn’t sure what the DONE thing was.

Well we got home and Katy told me she was hungry. Ok so I made them an early lunch. Didnt hear all day from the mum at all. Tried calling once at 2;30 to see whens best to drop off but it rang out so thought I was expected to do dinner.
Put dinner in at 4:30 and text saying “ have put tea in for the kids will drop Katy home after if that suits?”
No reply til back of five saying “that’s fine, thanks”

Went to drop her home and she ran ahead and like a flash the door was open and shut and only seen a glimpse of her mum saying “thanks” I thought the kid had maybe been rude and pushed door behind her so kind of hovered for a minute expecting a small conversation.
Felt like a tit when the door didn’t open again.
Normal?!
Nice big house and decent people. Just wondered the norm.

She was home about 5:45 after they had eaten and walke me back. Had her since 11am

Fast forward to that morning and I text to ask what time I should pick her up

Your mistake in not setting the parameters.

(1) is Katy coming for the day or the afternoon ? you decide eg I'll pick Katy up at X o'clock, we are going to xyz, I will bring her home at Y o'clock

(2) meals - highly unusual not to offer food regardless of times, even if its just a drink and biscuits.

(3) yes the parents are off, no parental hand over to see if there have been any issues. Is Katys mum always a bit errr pushed for time ?

I think what I meant about do I offer dinner , was , if you take them on a weekend day is it expected that dinner time is part of that.
I know snacks etc are to Be expected!

To be honest it’s dad that she usually doing school stuff I haven’t spoken much with mum

What did you want to have a conversation with her about?

I always have a two second doorstep chat, occasionally there’ll be the offer of a coffee but for the most part after I’ve had your kid, I just want some peace and quiet 😂

If this was me , I'd have said something like "drop Katy at 2, after lunch, and I'll drop her back at 7 after dinner", and again it depends on the relationship, its's quite normal in my world to have someone elses kids all weekend thank fuck those days are well past but she was dysfunctional raring alcoholic

You just make specific arrangements.

Ie would you prefer to pick Katy up at 5pm before dinner or would you like her to stay to dinnner and pick her up at 6:30
Or re lifts you could say they bring her and you drop her back and ask if that works for them.
Don’t worry about what’s supposed to be normal, just be specific - not what time do you want to drop her? Instead will it suit you to drop her at 2?

Small conversation about how it went, what they got upto and if they behaved and have eaten etc. Thought that would be standard chat after having someones kid all day. Maybe not?! I didn’t want in for a coffee noooo thanks

This is an interesting thread, as we are just entering the world of play dates too and I get a bit anxious when another parent asks for a play date after school. The question I want to ask them but never have the nerve to is 'how will you get my child to your house?' ... surely not many people have a spare car seat for school friends?

Parent drops off and picks up, unless it’s after school in which case I pick them both up and then their parent collects from our house.
I would drop off and pick up DS if he went to someone’s house, unless after school.
2-3 hours is a decent length for a play date.
I do tea for them, usually pizza.
They can go out in the back garden but no they wouldn’t play out in the street and I wouldn’t want DS to do this elsewhere either.

We do have a spare car seat as have 2 cars, I need to know in advance though so both are in my car.

surely not many people have a spare car seat for school friends?

I always did.

OP, what’s all this got to do with playing outside etc??

But regarding the quick chat, I’ve always done that. Now that the kids are a bit older it’s less so as they’re old enough to go about their business and we parents are really only required for lifts and to throw food at them!

A younger kid though, yeah I’d expect a chat!

The question I want to ask them but never have the nerve to is 'how will you get my child to your house?' ... surely not many people have a spare car seat for school friends?

I’ve been asked this several times. I’m always very careful with other people’s children and car seats but it does make me think they’re a bit uptight to actually check.

Sorry, what I mean is that I don’t think it’s unusual to ask.

I think the other parent sounds like a potentially cheeky fucker.

I would assume I would be dropping and picking up my own child. Would think two hours would be average - unless arranged otherwise. Either inbetween or across a meal time - certainly not over two meals without a conversation. A quick call to say ‘they’re having a lovely time, is it ok if they carry on?’

And always a short conversation at the end,
Child says thanks.
I say ‘thanks so much for having her.
Did they have a good time?
That’s really kind of you, let’s have your dd here soon’.

I always asked 'do you need me to sort a car seat or do you have a spare?' - as for quick chat... totally normal and polite chit chat. 'How were they? Hope they behaved' etc etc If a parent didn't I wouldn't want to have their child much.

“Have you got a spare car seat or do you need me to drop mine in?’ Would do the job.

OP I'm not sure why other PPs haven't said so - that behaviour from Katy's parents sounds bloody rude to me?!

Sure, you ideally should clarify in advance so everyone knows where you stand, but if you don't do that, surely no-one assumes you want their kid for 6 hours and two meals, without asking you if it's ok?? Fine if you know them well, totally not fine if not.

Bad manners