“Playdate” etiquette

[notsosureaboutthatthough]

Firstly the word playdate makes my teeth itch.
What’s the normal for everyone else. If you offer to have someone’s child over, say, age 7/8/9, do you go pick them up and return them home after or expect their parents to do any pick ups or drop offs?
Same goes for when your child is invited to someone’s house, would you offer to drop them off or pick them up or expect it is part of the deal?
How long do you keep the child or expect yours to be away for roughly?
And do you offer food at tea time or send them away before then?
Would you allow them “out to play” while at yours or expect yours to Be allowed out at theirs?

This is all assuming you aren’t friends already with the parents and don’t know each other that well.

Thanks!

Generally IME for weekend and holiday playdates the guest child is dropped and picked up, host parent doesn’t collect or drop.

Times are arranged in advance via text, at the very least the drop off time but usually the finish time too. 2-3 hours is normal. One meal but not two.

We’re in London nobody plays out here! Car seats, I keep a spare booster in the boot. One child does have to go in the front as we can’t fit 3 across but it’s one of mine.

Think you’ve been had by a CF.

I think the normal etiquette is for the parents of the dc you are hosting to drop off and collect at an agreed time. We normally have kids 10-3 ish during the holidays. I always have a conversation at drop off about whether the parents are ok with dc playing out, they always have been but I check.

I think it's normal to say thanks and be a bit more cordial at the collection, but I wouldn't expect to run through what they'd been doing.

I'm a bit of a control freak and would need to have it all set in stone beforehand. It's easier now that DS is older and there's a seemingly constant stream of random twelve-year-olds drifting in and out, but at primary age I needed to know when other people's children would be leaving for the sake of my own sanity! And if someone had had my child for an entire day, especially if they'd collected and dropped them home, I would have made blooming sure to speak to them at the end to thank them profusely and arrange to reciprocate.

Communication is the key- shall I pick dc up or will you drop off? What time do you want them back? If they opt to drop off invite them in for a cuppa so they can see what a nice normal family they are leaving their pfb with. Probably don't let dc play out as you can't rely on them having any sense whatsoever.
Listen out to see if dc are playing happily or need you to suggest an entertainment/ are falling out and both have had enough. Expect to feed them (most kids eat pizza) but best to offer a couple of supper options and let the visiting child choose. Get the child home to unwind before bedtime on a school night. Make sure all their belongings go with them, esp if they have to go home in your child's clothes as theirs got covered in mud.

That sounds pretty rude of the other parents. In my experience it's usual to have a brief chat afterwards to thank the host and hear how it went, have a little natter etc.

I usually do playdates after school so collect, give dinner, and the other parent collects from me when it suits them, usually around 6. Children play as they like in the house.

I haven't done much in terms of weekend playdates but I agree with above that you need to set the terms so you are happy with them.

I’d collect after school, kid would have tea at my house and pudding. I would offer to either drop of or they could collect. I only normally offer to drop off if I know it’s someone that has multiple kids and may struggle putting them all in the car to drive 5-10 mins.

I never let mine play out in the street and would be fuming if my daughter went over another persons house and they just let them play outside. My daughters 7(nearly 8). If I found out that they had played out and not been watched then I’d send a message after as I would never normally ask what they got up to just a 1 min convo at the door to say has she behaved etc.

On a weekend. I’d drop her off and just presume the mum would text me when she’s ready to kick her out if she hasn’t said a time. If she was there over dinner or tea time then I’d expect her to be fed. Collect. 1 mins chat. Done

The other parent was rude. Have never had this with any other parents I know (or vaguely know).

That does sound pretty rude but you could have set the parameters however you like. We run weekend playdates similarly to after school ones - 2-3 hours, usually including one meal, so 11-2 or 3-5.30 kind of thing. Who does the drop off and pick up varies but there is certainly no expectation that the hosts should do both.

Next time just say from the start "Would Katy like to come over 2-5ish on Sat? Are you ok to bring her round then we'll drop her back."

They do sound a bit rude not to have a quick chat. Agree timings at the very least.

I've found that 2-3 hours is a good length of time. If my dc are invited I would drop them off and pick up unless they say they will drop dc home. I wouldn't expect them to.

It is different with people we know well. The play date might go on longer.

I wouldn't let them play out in the street. I wouldn't let my own kids play out the front. They can run free in the garden if they want.

I would arrange it around one meal and have snacks available.

My dc recently went to a classmates house to play for the first time. It was a last minute invitation on a Saturday. DH dropped DC off at 10am as suggested by them. DH asked about a pick up time but was fobbed off. I had met the mum at school a few times. She's nice enough. They're quite new to the school.

I texted after a couple of hours to suggest picking up dc and was told "it's ok they're having fun".
I messaged again later on to say that I was going to the high street and would be walking past their house at about 3.30 so would pick her up then. I knew that by this time my dc would be more than ready to come home.

I was told that they MIGHT be going to the park. She would let me know if they were and she would drop dc off afterwards.

They finally dropped her home at 5pm - 7 hours later. It was too much! Dc had wanted to come home earlier but the mum kept asking her dc if she wanted my dc to stay.,She kept saying yes - of course! My dc had no say in it.

On top of all of that I then felt we had to reciprocate a longer than usual play date later on which we did. It was all a bit ott. Dc and her weren't close friends and it was a bit intense for her. They're quite good friends now but I still don't want to do epic play dates. It's just difficult to fit them in.

The lack of timings meant that the rest of us were restricted in our plans because we had no idea when dc would appear or when we could pick her up.

You sound as if you did well considering. I think that mum was a bit of a CF.

I previously thought maximum 2-3hrs, but since my eldest turned 7 weekend playdates have been more like 5-6hrs with minimal parameter setting beforehand. But then I do know the mum. And they reciprocated so that was great

Just think, you can off load your dd for a whole weekend day now!

The playing out thing obviously differs a lot - I'd think it was strange if the children had NOT been playing outside for part of the time, unless weather very wet. And host parent would probably apologise that the kids didn't get out.

We did very few after-school playdates (as used wraparound childcare) so mostly weekends. Late morning including lunch would be normal, or early/mid afternoon but go back home for tea. (Weekend tea is more of a family time, in my eyes.) We would usually arrange to share lifts, or the non-host family would do both ways. Short chat would be expected, and offer of a cuppa if suits but either yes or no to that would be fine.

I’d always check with the parent whether they were ok with playing out.

The norm round here is for the host parent to do the running home afterwards.

We do have spare boosters for the car but we walk home from school anyway.

Katy’s parents were rude but it could be anxiety. I always hope the other parent will just drop and not come to the door!

I tend to take the child straight from school (3.20) then drop home about 6.15. I prefer to do that as been caught out many times when parents have offered to collect but then have either turned up late or stayed to chat for up to an hour which isn’t overly convenient. Would always offer snacks and then do dinner.

That’s a long pkaydate. One meal is enough

So 10-2 or 2/3-6

Check times. Tbh if I thought I had a playdate sat am 930/10 would be my view

Not 11. That’s late and a mornin wasted

It seems to differ between people then! It did feel rude but I was left wondering if that was normal and I was expecting too much.
I mention playing out because they got bored.. after all those hours and could hear the kids in the cul de sac playing, which they always do, and my child usually joins in. But I didn’t feel I could let someone else’s child out without permission. It was something I had planned to mention at the pick up but I never got to see the mum so left it be

I really think the whole ‘not playing out’ thing is really sad - surely children need to develop some kind of independence? I’m pregnant with my first child and would really hope that they would have some time as they get older where they are not under constant supervision. Why not? I certainly did as a child!

Saltisford but that's your judgement to make as a parent. OP is absolutely correct to err on the safe side if in any doubt with someone else's child.

Well she has text and offered to have my child round tomorrow . Kids are on holiday so will update how
THat pans out!

Brilliant! Leave her there for a couple of days...

All day tomorow?

Check what times

And yes it’s nice for kids to play outside BUT op was right to check with mum before allowing

The question I want to ask them but never have the nerve to is 'how will you get my child to your house?' ... surely not many people have a spare car seat for school friends?
Everyone I know has at least one spare car seat. I keep mine in the boot most of the time.

Like PP I think it's better to err on the side of safety with someone else's child. I'm always more conservative about what I allow other people's kids to do/watch/play than I would be with my own unless Ive explicitly checked with the parents.

If anyone had my kids I always asked them in, seems rude not to.
I generally offered to bring kids home after staying at mine then I’ll stood more chance of doing it on my timetable.
Was happy to feed and keep them at mine all day if they played well.