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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the dd’s dad to take time off during school holidays to spend with them?

45 replies

Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2019 10:16

Feeling a bit fed up and just need to rant.

I split with the dd’s dad 4 years ago, he lives near by and is in a new relationship. Both my dd’s have disabilities. Each year I remind him of when the school holidays are (Easter, summer, Christmas), I give him plenty of notice and I ask if he can take time off to help look after them as I need to work too (part time), every time I ask he makes an excuse, usually that he can take time off as work is too busy and other people have booked time off. Last summer he had the dd’s one extra day during the 6 weeks they had off. I had to juggle work and find childcare which is impossible when you have a 12 year old with severe ASD.

So last week I asked him if he had any time off for Easter and again he gave lots of excuses and then said his new girlfriend would be happy to take care of them. His girlfriend is lovely but she has sn’s herself and her younger child is in foster care, I don’t feel I could relax whilst my youngest daughter is in her care and tbh her father should be putting in more effort.

Receintly I contacted social services to ask for help (respite) for my youngest daughter, when I told him he wasn’t happy and told me that his partner would give me respite 😐, still no offer from him to look after his children.

He sees them every Sunday for 5 hours, he pays a tiny amount each month towards them. AIBU to expect a little bit more from him?? I am self employed so I have to take unpaid leave during the holidays, I’m struggling with money and he won’t even take a extra day or 2 paid leave to look after his children.

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 10/04/2019 10:23

In terms of sorting out respite, I've found social services more receptive if an early years help assessment is done beforehand, I know its not exactly what you've asked but thought I'd mention it

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2019 10:27

Thanks Queen we have been awarded respite (8 hours a month and a extra 6 hours a week during holidays), this is just for my youngest daughter, they won’t offer anything for the older one as she’s not as disabled. I have been told I can not use these hours whilst I work so I still have the issue with childcare on the days I work. My eldest daughter can look after her sister for a couple hours so I am working evenings whe my youngest is asleep. I can’t afford to take time off as money is so tight Sad.

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/04/2019 10:46

Hi OP yes hes being awful. It's not fair it falls all to you. Is there any way of getting some more money out of him so you can at least pay for yourself to stay at home a bit? Do you go through CMS?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2019 10:50

We didn’t go through CMS, he told me he had looked online and calculated what he should pay, he’s not in a high paid job but not minimum wage either, he pays me £145 a month. When we agreed on the amount I was claiming carers allowance for dd2 but now I’m earning slightly over the threshold I don’t get that any more. When we agreed on an amount I wasn’t struggling as much. Other than what he pays each month he doesn’t really spend anything on them, the odd meal out (usually McDonald’s or fish and chips) but other than that nothing.

OP posts:
Meowzzz · 10/04/2019 10:57

Then the second thing I'd do is go to CMS to help pay for childcare. Sounds really difficult OP but you'll get through it Flowers Do you have any other support, friends or family?

HavelockVetinari · 10/04/2019 11:01

Are you claiming universal credit? If you're on a low wage you should get help with childcare as a lone parent. If you earn too much for that make sure you sign up to the government's tax free childcare scheme.

I agree that your ex sounds like a lazy shirker though. Angry

sue51 · 10/04/2019 11:06

Its incredibly selfish to let all the childcare and related costs to fall to you. I would second you claim maintenance through cms, it sounds as if your ex hasn't increased his contribution in 4 years and it would be unlikely for him not to have had a pay rise in that period.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2019 11:38

No other support really, my mum has been too poorly to help.

It looks like he should be paying at least £220.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2019 11:41

Have I’m not on universal credit yet but I do claim some beniffits, the issue is that there is no childcare, my child can’t go to after school clubs unless she has 1:1, she’s too old for a childminder and no holiday clubs will take her without her having a 1:1 with her which costs a lot more money. It costs a lot more for childcare for a disabled child Sad.

When I question my ex he just says “well this is what you wanted, to do it alone” because I was the one who kicked him out.

OP posts:
kamikazeshady · 10/04/2019 11:47

I would definitely go through CMS. They are extremely helpful and act as the go between to try and avoid conflict. I think you should do it just out of principle. Don't allow him to mug you off saying he can't pay anymore. When his salary changes, CMS are on top of it and adjust payments as and when they need to be.

Monst3ra · 10/04/2019 11:49

His attitude is appalling. He should be stepping up and taking responsibility for his daughters. What a vile way of looking at things. They're still his children and he has a duty to his kids regardless of who ended the relationship. How frustrating for you.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2019 11:52

Kam I haven’t asked him for more money since he first set up the payments. I have told him that I am struggling for money. I would rather not go through CMS so maybe I should just ask him? If he refuses then I can go through CMS. When he originally started paying he was paying for another child but she’s now 18.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2019 11:53

If I say the moneys for childcare he will just tell me to drop the dd’s off with his girlfriend.

He did nothing with the dd’s When he lived here, it’s one of the reasons I kicked him out. He didn’t do much for his other children either (now all adults). His priority is himself and his girlfriend.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 10/04/2019 11:55

Does your council have a holiday scheme for kids with disabilities - my dd went to one and they provided up to 1:1 depending on need and was sliding scale for fees. Normal childcare was hard because of seizure risk but they had a nurse on site (it was at the leisure centre)

outpinked · 10/04/2019 11:57

The fact he’s paying for his other child is a moot point, he still needs to pay for your DC. The other child he is or was paying for is nothing to do with the situation unless she lives with him as CMS only takes children living with him full time into consideration. You need to contact CMS ASAP and get the amount you are rightfully owed.

He is a twat but sadly not a lot you can do. It’s shit when you split, you can’t force the Dad to see their children at all and it usually ends up falling on the Mother.

Do you have any relatives or friends who can help out at all?

kamikazeshady · 10/04/2019 11:57

@Lovemusic33 sure, you can ask him of course. Just be prepared for the bullshit response he will give you as to why he can't pay more. Allow him the chance to say yes or no. Then depending on that answer, you know CMS is there to help.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2019 12:08

Dd2 goes to school out of country and we get offered some holiday activities there but most are too far away (over an hours drive) and only for a couple hours a week. We live rurally and there’s nothing nearby. It’s taken me years to get a few hours respite which will be a great help during school holidays but I can’t use these hours to work.

He has had the dd’s Overnight at my house before but when I return he has not brushed their hair or helped them to wash/brush teeth. Last year I went away for 2 nights and the dd’s we’re discusting when I got back and he hadn’t taken them out of the house (because he hadn’t brushed their hair, doesn’t know how). When they come home from his on a Sunday they smell of smoke and he rarely does anything with them, they stay in all day. Both girls think he’s amazing, dd1 sticks up for him and says he can’t help it if he can’t get time off work.

OP posts:
Iooselipssinkships · 10/04/2019 12:10

My Dd's is the same. I know he adores her but only sees her EOW never takes any time off his precious job to spend more time with her during the holidays. Even the six weeks.
His loss.

ukgift2016 · 10/04/2019 12:16

I am in the same situation.

It annoys me greatly that i get no help over the holidays but I think these men have no parental instinct and are extremely selfish.

Not much you can do I am afraid.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 10/04/2019 12:16

Unfortunately I think you’re going to have to accept that he isn’t going to step up and do more, however much you want him to. At the moment you’re using up so much mental energy wishing he would, and trying to find ways to convince him. Once you make peace with the fact that it’s never going to happen, you can use that energy for other things.
If he’s significantly underpaying maintenance then definitely get in touch with cms. Also speak to someone from welfare rights (or similar) to make sure you’re getting all the benefits you’re entitled to. The SEN board on here might also be a good place to post for support.

dearohdearohdear9 · 10/04/2019 12:20

Although it doesnt answer your question, there are various allowable expenses you can deduct from your income to ensure your continued entitlement to carers allowence even when earing over the limit. The following thread has more information.

www.carersuk.org/forum/support-and-advice/carer-disability-benefits/carers-allowance-and-earning-over-102-now-110-per-week-21683

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2019 12:24

Each holiday I think I have excepted it but I guess it hits me again when I’m stuck at home struggling to juggle kids and work.

I want to look for a new job but can’t with the summer holidays coming up as no one will give me time off. Everything’s just a struggle at the moment, a bit of extra money from him and him having the dd’s for a extra day would be great but I know it won’t happen.

OP posts:
Inliverpool1 · 10/04/2019 12:25

I have s court order that states ex should have the kids 4 weeks a year, he doesn’t it’s frigging shit

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2019 12:30

It makes me angry 😡
There are fathers out there fighting to see their children and their are others that do all they can not to see them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2019 12:53

Ok, I have sent him a long message asking for more money. Told him it’s unfair that I have to take unpaid time off work and that I’m stuck in because I can’t afford to do anything with them, if he can’t help me out with childcare then he can at least help pay for them to do activities.

OP posts: