To expect the dd’s dad to take time off during school holidays to spend with them?

[Lovemusic33]

Feeling a bit fed up and just need to rant.

I split with the dd’s dad 4 years ago, he lives near by and is in a new relationship. Both my dd’s have disabilities. Each year I remind him of when the school holidays are (Easter, summer, Christmas), I give him plenty of notice and I ask if he can take time off to help look after them as I need to work too (part time), every time I ask he makes an excuse, usually that he can take time off as work is too busy and other people have booked time off. Last summer he had the dd’s one extra day during the 6 weeks they had off. I had to juggle work and find childcare which is impossible when you have a 12 year old with severe ASD.

So last week I asked him if he had any time off for Easter and again he gave lots of excuses and then said his new girlfriend would be happy to take care of them. His girlfriend is lovely but she has sn’s herself and her younger child is in foster care, I don’t feel I could relax whilst my youngest daughter is in her care and tbh her father should be putting in more effort.

Receintly I contacted social services to ask for help (respite) for my youngest daughter, when I told him he wasn’t happy and told me that his partner would give me respite 😐, still no offer from him to look after his children.

He sees them every Sunday for 5 hours, he pays a tiny amount each month towards them. AIBU to expect a little bit more from him?? I am self employed so I have to take unpaid leave during the holidays, I’m struggling with money and he won’t even take a extra day or 2 paid leave to look after his children.

Have you thought about applying to PIP? That might cover the shortfall between the cost of regular childcare and 1:1?

Oh and well done for confronting him! You should ask for his year-end pay statement, or a couple of payslips - I bet he's underpaying legally. Morally, of course, he should be paying a lot more, and should be helping more to boot. What a dick.

havelock both dd’s get DLA bit it gets used up for other things (therapy, annual pass for local zoo, extra clothes that dd destroys, things in the house that dd2 destroys etc..etc..).

He hasn’t replied to my message yet. He lies to me and says he only works 4 days a week but when I ask him to have the dd’s on his day off it becomes clear that he doesn’t have a day off. He was earning £10ph when he moved out so must be on more now, if he’s on £10ph 40 hours a week then he should be laying £65 a week according to the online calculator so over £100 more than what he pays now. I wouldn’t mind so much if he was helping more but he’s not and I have made that clear in the message I sent him.

As from next month dd2 will get 9 hours a month respite which will be a great help but if her respite carer takes her out I still have to pay for the activity (so if she goes swimming I have to pay for her and carer to get in).

We are getting everything we are entitled too regarding beniffits (thanks to years of help on my sn boards) but things are still tight.

Stop asking him for money. He just ignores you or lies about income and makes you angrier. Go through cms and they check his wages through HMRC.

Why don't you want to go through CMS?

OP he doesn't have to spend his day off looking after his children. However if he works regular hours there is absolutely nothing stopping him having them one night after work until he goes back to work the next morning.

Stop allowing him to get away with shit.

Why isnt he having them overnight?

Why aren't you going through CMS for money? Takes the emotion and power play out of it.

COunt he doesn’t have them over night as he lives in a bed sit (not living with his gf), he has stayed her over night once to look after them whilst I had a break but they were a mess when I got home.

I don’t want to go to CMS as I try and keep things civil with him for the dd’s, generally we get on ok (I just grin, hand the kids over, update him on anything etc..), if I go to CMS he’s likely to tell the kids that he can’t afford to do anything with them as he has to pay me too much money.

I have just spoken to him on the phone, he gave me some ball shot about how he does more with the dd’s than most dads, I said “well I don’t know many dads that don’t have their children during the holidays”, he then offered me some money to buy the dd’s new shoes, I said “no, I want more money each month paid into my bank”, I advised him to look online at how much he should be paying, he then got funny with me saying how he’s struggling to afford a room in a b&b on his low wages and he can’t afford to pay much more, he also said how he doesn’t take the dd’s out as he can’t afford it, moaned about the price of fuel to come and pick them up (he lives 15 minutes away) and moaned about how much it costs to buy them lunch , he told me I should quit my job as I would be better off. Long phone calll resaulted in a small increase of money (£200 a month) and he said he would try and get time off in the summer holidays but won’t be able to take them anywhere.

Oh and he told me that I’m lucky because I have a 3 bed house to live in whilst he has to live in a bed sit 😐

Things can be civil and still go through the CMS the two aren’t interlinked.
Why is it you have to take it up the arse and not get what you are legally entitled to for your children to be civil ?

He doesn't do anything with the children anyway. To hell with putting up with his meanness towards you, you should not have to plead your case for more money. Do you have proof of his income, does he show you his p60 annually? I really would use CMS to save the drama.

To ask work for one week a year out of the 13 that are school holidays is not unreasonable given enough notice. The dad of the OPs child can ask well in advance and if there is difficulty point out the responsibilities towards a child with disabilities that he has. It's not as if the time of school holidays is unknown and not set a long time in advance.

I don’t want to go to CMS as I try and keep things civil with him for the dd’s, generally we get on ok (I just grin, hand the kids over, update him on anything etc..)

You can be civil and do things via CMS. And it's not like you're getting a whole lot in return for your grinning and bearing it right now.

If he complains to your dds you can explain how the CMS works out maintenance - and ideally (and in a factual way) show them broadly how much it costs to feed/clothe/care for them. Let them draw their own conclusions from those numbers...

I don’t have proof of his earnings, I only know what he was earning whilst he lived here, he is in the same job and must have had pay rises since he left.

Obviously he blames everything on me because I’m the one that chose to go it alone (I kicked him out), he turns it around on me and makes out he’s struggling. He also tells me how I should be well off as both dd’s get DLA, I still have more outgoings thanhe does, he just pats a set price for a B&B room, no extra bills, i have to pay gas, electric, half my rent (half HB), some council tax, water etc.. as well as feed and clothe both dd’s. But then that’s my fault because I kicked him out.

stuck my younger dd won’t understand, she’s severely autistic, my eldest thinks the sun shines out of his bum, he also tells her that I have more money than him as I get DLA for them. Dd1 is totally blind to how her dad has never been there, she is very much like her father and actually enjoys doing nothing every Sunday. I strongly suspect he has ASD, he’s a recluse, shows no feeling towards the dd’s, never hugs them. We used to go on holiday without him as he couldn’t cope being away from home and he was so tight with money (would rather stay home and not spend any). Dd1 thinks all this is ok and that he’s a great dad.

I don’t have proof of his earnings, I only know what he was earning whilst he lived here, he is in the same job and must have had pay rises since he left.

Again, this is why you need to go via CMS....

I worry if I go to CMS he will quit his job, he could easily go off work sick (he had a mini stroke recently and has a few health issues) and then I won’t get anything. He knows how the system works and he has dodged payments in the past for his other children. I also don’t want him to turn dd1 against me anymore than he already has.

He claims that he has always helped me out when I have asked, he has often helped out by sitting with the girls occasionally, I have probably only asked 3 times in the last year for the odd evening out, he always makes me feel guilty for asking and usually gives me a time to be back by and an excuse to leave early, this is why I rarely ask him for help. I reminded him how in the last 4 years he has not taken time off to help in school holidays.

If he's off sick, he can take your dds a lot then!

Thing is, if he's contributing very little in money or time, and turning your DD against you, then maybe there's not a whole lot to lose, surely?

The thing is ... able bodied men can’t just quit their jobs the DWP won’t let them. Even if he’s sick or on the dole for a bit he’ll still have to pay something

inliverpool yes but I will be a lot less than what he’s paying now. He told me he’s struggling with his health and work, if he’s off sick he won’t take the dd’s more as he won’t have a car or anywhere he can safety have them. The reason he has had them at my house before is because of safety issues around dd2, she has severe autism and my house is set up so it’s safe for her (locks on doors etc..). He has no idea how to care for dd2, he manages for a few hours on a Sunday by just driving around with her in the car and feeding her. She comes home with a dirty face, scruffy hair and dirty clothes.