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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Self centred MIL

46 replies

Louiseax · 10/04/2019 09:24

To start off we live with my partners mother we have a 2 month old baby , we moved in with his mother temporarily while we save for our own house . Near enough every conversation we have she turns it into something about herself she never cares to get to know me it’s always , me me me attitude what she knows is best . I am at a point where I avoid her as much as I can because I don’t have the energy to be constantly belittled when it comes to how we raise our daughter even when I have tried to warm to her and seek advice she somehow changes it back to her I don’t think she has once asked me about myself . Has anyone else got a mother in law that acts this way what can I actually do or say to her because I am over even trying with her , I have expressed how I feel to my husband and he doesn’t really say much he is supportive but he doesn’t want to get involved they have always had a distant relationship . It is mentally draining especially when living with her .

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 10/04/2019 09:28

How lovely of her to let you 2 plus baby move in.
If you don't like her company perhaps it's time to love out.

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 09:28

Yes me. No way would I ever ever move in with her. She is an energy vampire.

It’s it’s unbearable move in to rented. You could be there years.

In fact all the people I know that moved back home to raise a deposit are still there. Still sat in the (jail) bedroom upstairs

FiveLittlePigs · 10/04/2019 10:06

Her house, her rulz

If you don't like it, move out. Why should she subsidise your life while you save for a house she’ll not live in?

LL83 · 10/04/2019 10:07

You can't say someone who has let you move in is self centred.

Geminijes · 10/04/2019 10:09

You're living with your MIL to save for your own home and you're complaining about her? Ungrateful comes to mind.
She is doing you a huge favour, if you don't like her, move out.

StarTheGirl · 10/04/2019 10:10

You can't say someone who has let you move in is self centred.

Yes, this^^. I assume you are either living there rent free or paying a peppercorn, token amount? If not and you’re actually paying market rate, why on earth are you living with her and not on your own?

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 10:11

You can't say someone who has let you move in is self centred

You can! My mil would 100% do this. Dh and kids would be welcomed with open arms whilst I’d be treated like a cuckoo 😂 it would be her time to show me where my rightful place is in her family.

Never!!!!!

crosser62 · 10/04/2019 10:11

I know what you mean I have someone in my life like that and yes I agree, it is draining and hard work.
I would do exactly what you do and avoid, you don’t have to get along with her but can be civil from a distance to save your sanity.
You cannot and will not win in this situation as this will not change.

Good luck and sympathies, I really do understand your troubles.

TheFaerieQueene · 10/04/2019 10:13

If you were seeking her advice as you said, surely she will mention herself?

As others have said, if you don’t like it, move.

PerdHapley · 10/04/2019 10:17

It's difficult, because it does on the surface appear to be monstrously tin eared to be moaning about the selfishness of someone who is letting you live rent free in her house. But that (large!) gesture does not preclude her from being a self-absorbed nightmare, not by a long stretch.

That's why moving in with the in-laws in always fraught with difficulties - because the already mismatched power dynamic then gets further skewed by the enormous weight of the sacrifice they've made for you, so it feels as though you have to spend your entire time being grovellingly grateful and that it's somehow petty or unreasonable of you to object to any other unpleasant behaviour they may exhibit.

StarTheGirl · 10/04/2019 10:17

You can! My mil would 100% do this. Dh and kids would be welcomed with open arms whilst I’d be treated like a cuckoo 😂 it would be her time to show me where my rightful place is in her family.

Never!!!!!

So, rather than starting a thread on mumsnet slagging her off, would you maybe just find a way to move out instead? She isn’t keeping the op captive. If the OH is letting her be treated like a cuckoo, it’s the classic DP problem, not the MIL.

PerdHapley · 10/04/2019 10:21

(I don't, and never would, live with my ILs, btw, but my MIL is a relentless ne-me-me-er who has asked me maybe five questions about my life in the past twenty years, so I do understand)

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 10:27

if the OH is letting her be treated like a cuckoo, it’s the classic DP problem, not the MIL

Oh how original...

People can post what threads they like. You do t have to post on it.... just scroll on by..

StarTheGirl · 10/04/2019 10:38

Oh how original...

I literally said “the classic” meaning it wasn’t original .

And I wanted to post because I think the op is out of line for starting the thread. I didn’t say “oh boring. Why would I be interested in that?”, did I? I am interested - in telling the op I think she is being a bit of a madam by slagging of her mil while living off her. If I was indifferent I would simply not have posted - “scrolled on by”.

mumwon · 10/04/2019 11:14

sorry but 2 or more adults living in one house who are unrelated with one owning the property & the other beholding to them - hmm what emotions are likely to arise? Everything is magnified & out of proportions - So its her house she doing you a favour be thankful & if you cant deal with her comments (& do remember she isn't use to having a little one around in her property 24/7 - since your dp was a child) you need to move - I would suggest going out more frequently -especially since spring is here - so you get out of each others hair.

Original poster

Louiseax · 10/04/2019 11:15

Yes that’s exactly my point she’s welcoming my daughter into her family but doesn’t give any thought into wanting to getting to know me the same way I have tried to get to know her !

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 10/04/2019 11:16

he doesn’t really say much he is supportive but he doesn’t want to get involved they have always had a distant relationship

Your DH doesn have a reltionship with his mother, neither do you.

we moved in with his mother temporarily while we save for our own house

Stop sponging from her, grow up and provide for your own family and move out.

Original poster

Louiseax · 10/04/2019 11:17

We are living with his parent because it is the city my husband works in if we was to live with my family which we could actually do it would mean him commuting each day

OP posts:

WhyTho · 10/04/2019 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Confusedbeetle · 10/04/2019 11:22

Good grief, you have moved in with your mother in law and she has welcomed you. I don't know many women that would do that except in a crisis. You are doing this to save money. I assume that means you are not paying her the going rate for rent. Do you know how difficult it is having adult family living with you? You don't even seem to have a decent relationship with this woman and yet you are happy to let her subsidise you. Time you joined the grown ups and supported yourselves. If you cant afford to buy then you have to rent, like millions of people in the last generation and today throughout Europe. This is not about your MIL its about you sponging off her

StarTheGirl · 10/04/2019 11:25

Not just past generations or in Europe beetle. I’m probably a similar age to the op. Same stage at least and dh and I lived in rented (shitholes) for seven years before we had enough saved to put down a deposit. It never even occurred to me to live with pils. They’d probably have said no thank you if we’d asked! Or probably “why? You’re both working - rent somewhere”. It’s a big ask and really nice of her to let you tbh.

DistanceCall · 10/04/2019 11:38

She can be as nasty and unpleasant as she likes. She's doing her a favour and you're living in her home.

If you don't like it, get out.

DistanceCall · 10/04/2019 11:43

Doing YOU a favour, that is.

StarTheGirl · 10/04/2019 11:45

She can be as nasty and unpleasant as she likes

Well there is a limit tbf, but “not showing enough interest” in getting to know the op is hardly nasty or cruel. She “turns the conversation round to herself” too much for the op’s liking. No, it isn’t the best personality trait, but it isn’t exactly abuse.

If she was being really unpleasant, like some people you read about on here. I don’t know, making nasty comments about the op’s dc or something, like that man on another thread who said his niece should be put down or something. In that case I’d still say MOVE.OUT. but I’d also be a lot more sympathetic.

In this case, it is just an annoying personality trait, which I would either put up with or move out. It’s not a “go NC” type offence.

FuriousCheekyFucker · 10/04/2019 11:51

This has to be a joke thread right?

You're living in someone elses house rent free and complaining about how selfish they are?

Is this your bid to enter the 2019 International Cheeky Fuckers Awards?

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