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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Self centred MIL

46 replies

Louiseax · 10/04/2019 09:24

To start off we live with my partners mother we have a 2 month old baby , we moved in with his mother temporarily while we save for our own house . Near enough every conversation we have she turns it into something about herself she never cares to get to know me it’s always , me me me attitude what she knows is best . I am at a point where I avoid her as much as I can because I don’t have the energy to be constantly belittled when it comes to how we raise our daughter even when I have tried to warm to her and seek advice she somehow changes it back to her I don’t think she has once asked me about myself . Has anyone else got a mother in law that acts this way what can I actually do or say to her because I am over even trying with her , I have expressed how I feel to my husband and he doesn’t really say much he is supportive but he doesn’t want to get involved they have always had a distant relationship . It is mentally draining especially when living with her .

OP posts:

FudgeBrownie2019 · 10/04/2019 11:55

I hate to agree with everyone but although your MIL sounds difficult, you're stuck because you're reaping the benefits of her kindness.

My MIL is a tricky little thing and I'd have moved in with anyone else in the universe before I'd moved in with her. We had our house renovated when we first bought it and DH was all "lets move in with MIL" and I had to stand firm and refuse to move into another woman's home and expect her to respect my boundaries.

It's difficult, but you're going to have to suck it up until you can move out and then put your rules and boundaries in place. On her turf it's not going to be easy.

Alsohuman · 10/04/2019 11:57

Quite honestly, a week of sharing my house with two adults and a small baby would be too much for me. Mil deserves a medal. Not only unreasonable but ungrateful, OP.

BlackSatinDancer · 10/04/2019 11:58

Your DH has always had a distant relationship with his DM yet you are both living in MIL's house? Why would you do that given the lack of close relationship? This hasn't started well and won't end well, especially as you are feeling mentally drained by her already.

It will probably take ages to save for your own house. If you can't hack it then you need to move out and be happier renting whilst saving over a longer time to buy a home.

Your happiness trumps money saving.

BummyKnocker · 10/04/2019 11:58

See, nothing is for free. There is a price for everything and the price here is your MIL's supposed self absorption which annoys you.

Just acceptor move out? If be inclined to find a middle ground, maybe a topic you both enjoy.

BlackSatinDancer · 10/04/2019 12:09

I agree wholeheartedly with Amongst thetallgrass. It is totally possible to let so someone live with you to save money and also to be self-centred. Just because she has granted this one, albeit very generous, offer to allow you to live there to save money, she can be self-centred in loads of ways. It may be in her self - interest for you to stay there. She gets to see her GC and DC whenever she likes, no travelling involved and this may fulfill a need in her.

StarTheGirl · 10/04/2019 12:46

It is totally possible to let so someone live with you to save money and also to be self-centred

Yes, of course it is. But the op, (or whoever is living with their mil and finding her grating), either has to put up with it or fuck off. It’s really not difficult.

Taking the third choice of staying put, enjoying the mil’s rent free (?) accommodation, while silently seething, (over something which is a bit annoying but not truly evil or abusive), while slagging her off online, is helping nobody and is actually quite crappy behaviour.

outpinked · 10/04/2019 12:49

My MIL is the same, she even managed to make a family funeral about herself ffs. I deal with it by very rarely dealing with her, there’s absolutely no way I could live with her.

If you hate her so much, you’ll have to move out.

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 12:51

Yes, of course it is. But the op, (or whoever is living with their mil and finding her grating), either has to put up with it or fuck off. It’s really not difficult

Because life is that easy isn’t it.

What if they have zero money
What if there are no rentals.

I’m real life you can’t snap your fingers and hey presto you have a home to move in to.

Alsohuman · 10/04/2019 12:52

Then you should be grateful to someone sharing their home with you.

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 12:53

star why have you took such exception to op letting off steam about her living arrangements?

StarTheGirl · 10/04/2019 12:56

“Because life is that easy isn’t it.

What if they have zero money
What if there are no rentals.

I’m real life you can’t snap your fingers and hey presto you have a home to move in to.”

The op has already said “living with my parents, which we could do”.

Which implies they have that option, but it would be slightly less convenient as her OH would have a longer commute.

Even if there was absolutely no other option, it still is crappy behaviour to install yourself in someone’s home, live rent free and then slag them off because you don’t enjoy their conversation. It really is mind boggling than anyone thinks this is acceptable. Talk about ungrateful and entitled. I’d be so thrilled if any of my dcs’ gps took us in when we needed it. I certainly wouldn’t come on here calling them names, unless they’d done something really abhorrent.

StarTheGirl · 10/04/2019 13:00

Ugh bold fail;

“Living with my parents, WHICH WE COULD DO”. I meant. Quote marks won’t let me bold.

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 13:24

How do you know it’s rent free? Why have you got such a bee in your bonnet?

StarTheGirl · 10/04/2019 13:30

Lol I have a bee in my bonnet? You’re hell bent on dismissing my opinion. I’m giving my opinion because the op asked for it. You’re the one who’s for some bizarre reason, singled out another poster and tried every trick in the book to counter argue everything I say. It’s really a bit weird tbh. Have we met on here before or something?

Sinead100 · 10/04/2019 13:36

Someone who welcomes a whole family into their home to live is hardly self centred

Actually - they can allow others to live with them and still be self centred.

Unfortunately, most of you who are calling OP a CF for living underneath someone else's roof and questioning their behaviour - clearly have been fortunate enough to have never lived with their MILs!

Let me make it clear : partner's mother's are MORE than welcoming to their sons and grandchildren living with them but that doesn't stop them being vile to wives or girlsfriends at the same time.

StarTheGirl · 10/04/2019 13:44

Unfortunately, most of you who are calling OP a CF for living underneath someone else's roof and questioning their behaviour - clearly have been fortunate enough to have never lived with their MILs!

Correct! I have never been fortunate enough to live anywhere rent free / at a serious discount (which I have to assume the op is, as she is “saving for a house”). If I did and my mil was truly vile to me, (and I don’t think not taking enough of an interest in getting to know the op counts as “vile” tbh), I would move hell and high water to get out. Like moving in with my own parents if that was an option. And if my dh didn’t let me, I’d think I had a dh problem, (sorry - that’s not original, I repeat NOT ORIGINAL 😂).

Contraceptionismyfriend · 10/04/2019 13:57

Grow up. You're invading her space how much more welcoming does she have to be.

LadyRannaldini · 10/04/2019 14:34

I'd love to hear her side of things!

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 15:51

Lol I have a bee in my bonnet? You’re hell bent on dismissing my opinion

Because I don’t agree with your opinion. Like you said you have no experience of this. I have, that’s why I can sympathise with op, that’s why I’m here. You just turned up to have a go. Lovely!

NoSauce · 10/04/2019 15:56

What sort of stuff is she doing OP? Maybe she has cottoned on to the fact you don’t like her?

StarTheGirl · 10/04/2019 16:03

that’s why I can sympathise with op

That’s lovely and isn’t it nice that we can have both sides of the argument here?

I think your personal experience may be making you a bit too invested. which is why you’ve been aggressive and downright unpleasant to me from the beginning, despite me being perfectly friendly to you 🤷‍♀️.

Sometimes those of us who don’t have the personal experience are able to be a little more objective while those who do are able to offer their perspective.

So again, isn’t it nice to have both sides here?

You may notice I’m not trying to shut you down or tell you to leave the thread simply because you disagree with me. Maybe you could offer me the same consideration.

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