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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this girl needs to back off

89 replies

littlewitch123 · 10/04/2019 08:29

Nc for this as could be outing.

About 4 years ago I started a new job in a large marketing company - lots of offices, departments etc. To cut a long story short after a few years I started a relationship with a manager in one of the other teams. He's a bit older than me and it came as a bolt out of the blue that surprised us both plus our colleagues but we are very happy and been together coming up 3 years now.

The issue is that he has a girl working for him who is around my age who clearly has a crush on him. She has always been giggly, flirty and over friendly with him. Since we got together I thought it would calm down but if anything it's got worse. If ever she texts or emails him about work it's always 'hi hunni xx' and so on. When we first got together she was very cold towards me and gossiped about us at work basically making out the relationship wouldn't last and was a joke. She's a bit friendlier now but still offish at times. The other day I was having a chat with my oh outside the office and she pretty much came over and barged me out the way to interrupt the conversation.

I have asked oh if there is any history between them which he laughed at and said no. He recognises she is over friendly and seems to find it tedious but she is his staff so he needs to be nice. Also spoke to other trusted colleagues who don't think anything has gone on. I've really tried to rise above it - I know how petty and immature it would look to start a row over it especially with it being work colleagues. So I've tried to remain pleasant and professional always. But aibu to think she's a cheeky cow who needs to back off? It's honestly embarrassing to watch her fawning over him at times.

OP posts:
GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 10/04/2019 08:32

It is highly inappropriate for her to refer to him as ‘hunni’. I think your OH needs to have a word with HR.

Alwaysgrey · 10/04/2019 08:35

Agree I’d get your partner to lodge it as a concern with HR.

makingmammaries · 10/04/2019 08:36

That’s one of the pitfalls of office dating and you will not cast yourself in a good light if you visibly react in any way. Your DP needs to set proper boundaries with this woman but that is for him, not you, to do. If he won’t, then, as the saying goes, you have à DP problem.

Original poster
littlewitch123 · 10/04/2019 08:36

Oh heck I don't think he'd want to go that far, would open a whole can of worms. It is a fairly informal workplace and some of them have worked together years and do have friendly relationships but I just find it disrespectful of her to act this way knowing we are together.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 10/04/2019 08:37

"Hi hunni" is completely inappropriate regarding work, even if he wasn't in a relationship I would expect him to stamp that out. But yes, he is probably enjoying having his ego stroked but actually he needs to see that letting that happen makes him a shit manager and a shit partner

Hockneypool · 10/04/2019 08:40

So how old is this ‘girl’? I find that pretty disrespectful.

BelulahBlanca · 10/04/2019 08:40

She needs to learn how to write a professional email. Maybe he could bring that up to her

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 10/04/2019 08:41

If I were him I would have already said to her that although this is an informal work place I am still her line manager and I need to ensure everyone who works for me is treated the same. And used that intro to tackle the over familiarity.

She must have the hide of a rhino though. Most people stop the second that sort of thing isn’t reciprocated!

Original poster
littlewitch123 · 10/04/2019 08:41

I think like most men he just wants a quiet life and is prepared to turn a blind eye to it providing she gets her work done which clearly benefits him. I have never made a big deal out of it even to him as I don't want to be 'that' person. I have a feeling that if it was ever addressed either by me or him she would play dumb and make out that it's just how she is and we are reading too much into it which could backfire and make us look bad. But deep down I do feel she does it deliberately to annoy me

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 10/04/2019 08:41

It’s up to your DP to tell her to stop. If he won’t then that’s your problem right there.

Hollowvictory · 10/04/2019 08:41

Hi hunni is totally unacceptable and he needs to tell her that if he's her manager.

PregnantSea · 10/04/2019 08:45

How does he respond to her emails? Does she get a pet name and kisses in return?

To be honest if he completely snubs her advances and stays professional with her then all she's doing is making herself look like a dick. Just make sure he actually is snubbing her advances and not reciprocating any of her ridiculous behaviour.

Hollowvictory · 10/04/2019 08:47

If he turns a blind eye fora Quiet life he's a rather poor manager. Perhaps in the wrong job?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 10/04/2019 08:47

Hunni is not acceptable to say to anyone in any context, ever! 🤢

Original poster
littlewitch123 · 10/04/2019 08:48

@PregnantSea no I am confident that he doesn't respond. I've seen a couple of exchanges between them and he is always professional and short. I'm sure there is banter in the office but I don't feel as if she is a threat in any way. If anything I'm just gobsmacked at her nerve really!

I do sometimes wonder if anything has gone on in the past but even if it had it was obviously before I was on the scene. I'd just feel a bit foolish if I didn't know. But oh and colleagues have insisted nothing has and it's just how she is. Really irritating and disrespectful though.

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 10/04/2019 08:54

In that case I'd probably just ignore her, unless a huge boundary has been overstepped (making sexual advances, sending suggestive messages etc). If she just continues with the hi hunni xxx emails and giggling at him then she's a bloody idiot but a harmless one. You come out looking much better for rising above it. And if she ever does overstep then your DH should be the one to pull her up on it.

YANBU though, I'd find this irritating as well. She is definitely being cheeky...

Flaverings · 10/04/2019 08:59

Have you posted about this before? It feels very familiar.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 10/04/2019 08:59

Firstly if she is working and has been working at least 4 years, she is a woman. Not a girl. You are using this as a way to talk down about her.

Secondly, how in years of her working for him has he never addressed her attitude. I am guessing he hasnt. Even before he was with you, he shouldnt have excepted this.

The truth is, is that your issue is with him. He, on some level, likes it. He accepted it before you got together, so probably feels weird about tackling it when he has been ok for so long. She will know he is tackling it because of you.

But he has accepted her behaviour. So she thinks it's fine and acceptable.

I dont work with my partner. But if a colleague tried to cut him out of a converstation at a works party, they would know its not acceptable.

I have never let anyone that works for me email or contact me in a over familiar manner either. They have been pulled if I dont like the way they act.

Yes, men have flirted at work and they are cut short.

If he was handling this in a professional manner there wouldn't be an issue.

And to be fair. She may not fancy him. I know loads of people who think flirting with their boss, keeps the boss sweet and in their pocket. I have had a couple of men, try it with me.

She may have been cold towards you because she felt you would threaten the working relationship she has with him. Rather than actually want to date him, herself.

pepperpot99 · 10/04/2019 09:01

This is extremely immature and unprofessional behaviour! she really ought to be reprimanded as a matter of urgency.

Original poster
littlewitch123 · 10/04/2019 09:02

Not posted about this before no.

Hmmm perhaps he should have pulled her up on it but I do think it's a bit of a tricky one to address given that it's all just talk and could be construed as her just being friendly.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 10/04/2019 09:04

Hi hunni is unprofessional even it is intended as friendly and he needs to tell her to stop. Why is he a manager if he won't manage this !!!

JaneEyre07 · 10/04/2019 09:05

If she's sending him emails with "Hi hunni", she's no threat.

She sounds about 12 and with the emotional intelligence of Barbie.

If you react, you will only spur her on.

Boysey45 · 10/04/2019 09:07

Are you secure in your relationship with him? because if it was me I wouldn't be bothered.The issue you have is with him not telling her straight to be more professional at work. Are you sure is not 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other? In my experience I've not known people flirt outrageously continually if someone is totally not interested.

Original poster
littlewitch123 · 10/04/2019 09:09

Yes I do feel secure and as I said, I don't think she's a threat. I just think it's a bit of a cheeky way to behave. I certainly would have more self respect and respect for my colleague. I do think she would play it down as just being 'how she is' though - ie very friendly and over the top. Who knows.

I don't feel as if he is reciprocating and encouraging it though.

OP posts:
HopefulAgain10 · 10/04/2019 09:09

Hes clearly enjoying it.

What manager accepts 'hi hunni' as appropriate?

He should have two problems with this.1. Its unprofessional

  1. Hes in a relationship

Clearly obvious he enjoys it, as he laughs it off.

And no, your issue is with him allowing all of this because if he didnt then she wont do it.

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