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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this girl needs to back off

89 replies

littlewitch123 · 10/04/2019 08:29

Nc for this as could be outing.

About 4 years ago I started a new job in a large marketing company - lots of offices, departments etc. To cut a long story short after a few years I started a relationship with a manager in one of the other teams. He's a bit older than me and it came as a bolt out of the blue that surprised us both plus our colleagues but we are very happy and been together coming up 3 years now.

The issue is that he has a girl working for him who is around my age who clearly has a crush on him. She has always been giggly, flirty and over friendly with him. Since we got together I thought it would calm down but if anything it's got worse. If ever she texts or emails him about work it's always 'hi hunni xx' and so on. When we first got together she was very cold towards me and gossiped about us at work basically making out the relationship wouldn't last and was a joke. She's a bit friendlier now but still offish at times. The other day I was having a chat with my oh outside the office and she pretty much came over and barged me out the way to interrupt the conversation.

I have asked oh if there is any history between them which he laughed at and said no. He recognises she is over friendly and seems to find it tedious but she is his staff so he needs to be nice. Also spoke to other trusted colleagues who don't think anything has gone on. I've really tried to rise above it - I know how petty and immature it would look to start a row over it especially with it being work colleagues. So I've tried to remain pleasant and professional always. But aibu to think she's a cheeky cow who needs to back off? It's honestly embarrassing to watch her fawning over him at times.

OP posts:

ambereeree · 10/04/2019 09:33

Hmmm are you in a sales role in that she would work hard for him??
This girl is you three years ago and your DP is loving the attention. If he respects your relationship he must nip it in the bud.

TixieLix · 10/04/2019 09:33

As a manager he should be encouraging and seeking ways for his employees to grow their skills. Get him to sort out a training course for the whole department on communicating effectively. That way it doesn't look like she's personally being singled out.

Fazackerley · 10/04/2019 09:33

She doesn't necessarily need managing out. Just a talk about being more professional.

onanothertrain · 10/04/2019 09:38

Are you sure she's not cold towards you because she knows you've been gossiping about her to your colleagues, asking if she's ever been involved with your DP. She's not the only unprofessional one.

Original poster

littlewitch123 · 10/04/2019 09:39

To clarify,
I am secure in the relationship and trust my oh, he has never given me any reason not to.
I don't feel threatened by her.
I understand why he hasn't addressed it given the nature of our workplace culture and the issues it would create by making a problem out of what is essentially harmless (if unprofessional) behaviour/language. I certainly don't agree he enjoys it or encourages it in any way.
My original post was to gauge opinions on whether I was being unreasonable to be annoyed by this behaviour and feel like she should back off a bit.

OP posts:

Hollowvictory · 10/04/2019 09:43

Well she wont back off of he won't tell her to stop being unprofessional so that's that.

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 09:52

Well she wont back off of he won't tell her to stop being unprofessional so that's that

Yep.

I understand the reason behind your post OP but really she is not at fault because he is complicit in her behaviour by not opposing it. Which he could do in many different ways. It doesn’t have to get nasty. But he is fobbing you off with crap excuses and that’s what posters are pointing out.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 10/04/2019 09:53

I understand why he hasn't addressed it given the nature of our workplace culture and the issues it would create by making a problem out of what is essentially harmless

So its harmless and in keeping with your work place. So lots of other people act and communicate like this.....so what's the issue?

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 09:55

And yes, you DO have concerns about his faithfulness because if she was sixty and unattractive you wouldn’t even be posting..

Deep down you worry this is going to be another office relationship.

Original poster

littlewitch123 · 10/04/2019 09:59

He hasn't actually made any excuses lol. I haven't even raised it as an issue with him, not in a meaningful manner anyway. I did ask if there was history between them at one point and that's as far as it's been discussed really. I have tried to rise above it rather than make it into an issue.

Lots of people are friendly and familiar with each other in our workplace. It's not a hugely corporate and 'strict' place. But I don't think you need to be a rocket scientist to see when someone is going beyond even informal boundaries and being a bit over the top. I find it disrespectful to do this when someone is in a relationship.

Appreciate all the comments. It's a hard one to understand unless you have seen it first hand and understand the nature of a workplace, I feel a few things have been taken out of context and escalated in a direction that's not really relevant or helpful. But thanks again for the comments :)

OP posts:

IncrediblySadToo · 10/04/2019 10:05

I think you’re winding the bobbin.

Amongstthetallgrass · 10/04/2019 10:13

He has made excuses though.... read your own posts back. Lol

DistanceCall · 10/04/2019 10:15

Should this girl call your husband "hunni" and flirt with him? No.

Is she going to stop doing it? No. Because she has no reason to. Your husband has not clearly told her to stop, and there are no consequences for her if she doesn't stop.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 10/04/2019 10:19

But I don't think you need to be a rocket scientist to see when someone is going beyond even informal boundaries and being a bit over the top

So it's not your work place culture? It's going further than that?

So he can tackle it then?

AlexaAmbidextra · 10/04/2019 10:20

He doesn’t have a problem with it, you do. As a manager he should be able to maintain boundaries without running to HR but if he’d wanted her to cool her jets he’d have sorted it when it first started. He obviously likes it so he’s your problem, not her. I would advise against you ‘having a word’ as you’ll just look jealous and insecure and he’ll look like a fool. Which he may well be but really, it’s for him to address, not you.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 10/04/2019 10:22

Either she is acting completely in keeping with your office culture - in which case theres not an issue and he doesnt need to tackle it. If it annoys you, you need to get over it as no one is doing anything wrong

Or she is over stepping the boundaries - in which case your dp is the problem because he hasnt managed her properly and let it be known she is overstepping. Because he gets something out of it. In which case your problem is him

Which is it?

AlexaAmbidextra · 10/04/2019 10:26

I’d be managing her out of the business.

Really? On the basis of her behaviour as described by OP? Then you’d probably be managing yourself into an employment tribunal.

banivani · 10/04/2019 10:27

She's not behaving appropriately but he's not managing her and telling her to stop, so. I'd say the fault is primarily with him, as manager he is responsible.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 10/04/2019 10:27

If she's sending him emails with "Hi hunni", she's no threat. She sounds about 12 and with the emotional intelligence of Barbie.

Maybe that's why the OP's calling her a girl. Do grown women actually send emails to ANYONE beginning "Hi hunni"?

Fazackerley · 10/04/2019 10:30

I’d be managing her out of the business.Really? On the basis of her behaviour as described by OP? Then you’d probably be managing yourself into an employment tribunal
🤣🤣

Fazackerley · 10/04/2019 10:30

(I agree)

IHateUncleJamie · 10/04/2019 10:35

If you read your posts back, @littlewitch123, you are constantly making excuses for your DH when in reality he is complicit in this woman’s unprofessional behaviour. Therefore, you can’t lay all the blame at her door.

The very first time she emailed him as “hi hunni” and with kisses, he should have had a quiet word and said that the level of informality is not professional so from now on could she address him as Dave or whatever.

Secondly, anyone barging into the middle of a conversation is rude and unprofessional. That’s simple manners. Yes, she shouldn’t have done it but he should have stopped her in her tracks and said “littlewitch and I are talking; I’ll be with you in a minute.”

No need to cause a big scene but a Manager should know how to handle his or her staff and set clear boundaries.

Yes, be annoyed at this woman by all means but you should be equally annoyed at your OH for essentially enabling her unprofessional and rude behaviour. Not constantly making excuses for him and saying we don’t understand your particular environment.

ZebrasAreBras · 10/04/2019 10:36

If you don't feel threatened by her, and are secure in your relationship - then act that way. Beyond, maybe, the occasional raised eyebrow at her familiarity, just ignore it.

Nothing worse than petty jealousies between women at work - don't lower yourself. Be dignified - concentrate on your own stuff, and rise above it.

VanGoghsDog · 10/04/2019 10:39

Stop asking your colleagues about it, you're just making yourself look stupid.

I had a guy at a place I worked who called me pet names and signed every email with kisses. I just told him to stop. He whined that he was 'just being friendly', I said 'well don't, this is the workplace, it's not professional'. Nipped in the bud as soon as it started.

Your OH should have done that. The fact he hasn't is his problem.

To be fair to her, this probably is 'just what she's like' and if no-one has told her it's not OK or that they don't like it then why would she stop?

It's not really any of your business though, he needs to deal with it and you need to stop mithering your colleagues about him and your relationship - that's just as unprofessional as her behaviour (and they will all be talking about you behind your back, 'trusted' or not).

TheStuffedPenguin · 10/04/2019 10:43

You only need to go to Relationships to know how these things start ...men are pretty stupid creatures at times and either don't see ( yes! ) a woman coming onto them or enjoy the little bit of buzz . I'm not sure which of these your partner is .

However you say she has "always " been like this and she was there in the company before you joined - what has changed ?

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