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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I should be happy right?

49 replies

Tedcar · 09/04/2019 15:51

Namechanged for obvious reasons...
Pregnant with dc 3 not expected terrible timing. I’m on my knees with exhaustion already everything is chaos - moving house ds’x 2 schools, different area. I’ve been working on a project for 2 years in the making due to complete in the summer.
Dh mega busy with work.
I wouldn’t want to terminate but I wish we had been more careful. I’ve got no help really and I do know how this is supposed to work?

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 09/04/2019 16:02

Why don't you want to terminate if you regret becoming pregnant?

Original poster
Tedcar · 09/04/2019 16:06

The guilt I suppose

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 09/04/2019 16:09

I think you need to weigh up the guilt from ending a pregnancy with the guilt of getting further run down and the effects of this on your exsisting children.
DH and I struggle to conceive so decided to adopt. That said, despite going to such lengths to have our children, if I fell pregnant now I would terminate because I know I wouldn't cope with a third.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 09/04/2019 16:13

I don’t think you “need” to be happy, OP. An unexpected pregnancy is a lot to digest, and pregnancy in itself can make you feel pretty shitty, as you seem to be experiencing! Don’t manufacture guilt for yourself about not feeling happy! If termination is not an option, then give yourself permission for a few weeks to just wallow in your stress and misery and eat lots of simple carbs if you can keep them down. :p Then, around the 14 week mark when hopefully you’ll start feeling physically a bit better, you can begin to work out the logistics. You can start telling other people then too (or before!), which might also help you to start feeling more excited. People LOVE a new baby... I’m sure plenty of folks in your vicinity will be excited for you, and their positivity I hope will be somewhat contagious.

You’ve had children before... think of yourself as a pro. Nothing is as shocking or life changing as a first child. You’ve been there, done that. You’ll totally figure this one out. Deep breaths, and congrats. x

Original poster
Tedcar · 09/04/2019 16:15

That’s another reason I wouldn’t have chosen a third I’ve been working my way up so hard so that I have better chance of promotion and then we can afford to take the kids to Disney and Lapland that won’t be possible now. I’m worried if they’ll get to do the amount of a activities too- karate, swimming rugby all adds up

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/04/2019 16:16

When was your period due, OP?

CaptSkippy · 09/04/2019 16:16

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You accidently got pregnant. You can't live your life in a bubble without ever taking risks.

But you do need to decide which is better/less harmful. You already have children, so bringing another child into the family will impact them too. Plus, it's really not fair to bring a child into this world who is not really wanted.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 09/04/2019 16:17

Btw my mum had 3 kids, worked part time, and my dad travelled a ton for work. She was open with me a few years ago and admitted that “the years when you three were all under 6 were the most miserable years of my life”. BUT she feels it was totally worth it, loves all three of us to bits, and is now pressuring me to go for a third (DC2 is two weeks old...!) It will be hard but you CAN do this if you want to. But be kind on yourself and acknowledge that this IS a tough situation and it’a totally ok to have mixed feelings about it.

Original poster
Tedcar · 09/04/2019 17:14

Both kids unwell and my mum refuses to have them while I go to work for an urgent meeting in morning. I will have zero family help with a 3rd ffs

OP posts:
fantasticdog · 09/04/2019 17:17

you already have 2. A 3rd won’t make that much of a difference. Think about the positives.

IncrediblySadToo · 09/04/2019 17:21

How far along are you?

IncrediblySadToo · 09/04/2019 17:24

No. The third won’t need 9 months inside, then 9 months 1:1 care, it won’t wake in the night, it won’t mean they probably need a new car, another bedroom, food... daft bloody comment fantasticdog

MummytoCSJH · 09/04/2019 17:30

When I fell pregnant, at 16, it just so happened that one of my close friends fell pregnant around the same time. I kept my pregnancy, and she decided to terminate. Neither one of us feels now that we made the wrong decision - she knows that at that point in her life her and her partner didn't want to have a baby. I felt like you and didn't want a termination as I was worried I would feel guilty - and it turns out that having my son was actually the making of me. Now I've got my little boy, I can 100% tell you that I would terminate if I fell pregnant again. I want my son to have the life I've planned out for him - I've rearranged my entire life to fit him in and of course I could do it again, but honestly, I don't want to! And that's okay. I'm just telling you this to reassure you that whatever you and your partner feel is best for your family at this moment in time is absolutely the right thing to do - you've worked hard to provide for the children you already have, and if, right now it doesn't fit in to have a third (and it may never do! Neither of us want another child), that's okay. It's okay to terminate a pregnancy if your other children wouldn't have as good a quality of life due to you having another. Similarly if you do decide you want keep the pregnancy, you will be able to make it fit in, because that's what families do. I can see both sides of your situation. It is entirely for you to decide, its different for everyone depending on their circumstances. You don't have to be happy about terminating, you just have to be happy that you've made the right decision. Good luck xx

fantasticdog · 09/04/2019 17:32

All children need care until they are at least 16 years. Pregnancy isn’t an illness. If you already have 2 children a third won’t make much of a difference. Few months sleepless nights. Every woman is entitled to 12 months maternity leave. Breast milk is free. She has a husband. It’s not a bad thing. Nor is it daft to tell someone who is pregnant and doesn’t want to terminate to think about the positives!!!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/04/2019 18:02

Do you want the baby, OP? I mean really want it, as opposed to feeling like you should have it. Because if you don't then you shouldn't feel guilty about considering a termination. You'll get a lot of people on this thread saying "I've got 3, it's great!", which is lovely and well meaning, but they're not you.

Raver84 · 09/04/2019 18:20

I think you need to think carefully about if you want to continue. You life basically is on hold for two years after the baby is born. Maternity leave and lack of sleep etc. I've 4 and notice it only gets back to normal after 2 years. My house only just looks normal and I'm just getting round to jobs I wanted to do round the house (above and beyond general cleaning) . Decorating and the like.

I work part time and just could never manage more hours, mine are 9 down to 2. Perhaps once my 2 Yr old starts school. I can up my hours. Those who say 3rd don't make a difference are talking absolute bollocks. They cost more money for a start. They have time being ill meaning more time off work for you and dh. There are more appointments, plays, housework, washing, school trips, shoes to buy. It incereses your work by 33 per cent.

Don't get me wrong it's entirely worth it but I wanted a 3rd and a 4th and I love them to bits but they cost a fortune. When they were very young I worked even less hours than the 20 hours I do now each week and was a sahm for a long while. Its the only way we could make it work. Childcare for 3 is huge, even with one in nursery and 2 in school. I work evening around dh yo make any profit at all. I enjoy my job and children so much but oh my goodness it's tiring.

Please don't think I'm being negative I'm not they are amazing kids but weigh up your options. I did it without any help and you can too. Just think it all through. Is your work flexible and can you take a break?

I have had to terminate a pregnancy before due to abnormalities with the baby. It was hiddious, I felt and still feel guilt, but I accept that it was and still is the right decision.

fantasticdog · 09/04/2019 18:34

Your life does not need to be on hold because you’ve had a baby. Hectic hard work tiring yes but on hold? No

Original poster
Tedcar · 09/04/2019 20:18

Thank you all had a long and difficult chat with Dh and he feels the same. Heart in some ways saying yes in others no (due to guilt of other dc missing out). He’s also concerned about finances and how we will cope due to lack of help. He was very open with me due to his mental health struggles in the last year he might find it difficult. We’re going to sleep on it but we are both thinking about our options thanks for your help all and lack of judgement.

OP posts:
NCforpoo · 09/04/2019 20:30

Oh what a horribly difficult decision to make OP. No advice but I hope you manage to agree a way forward with your DH.
Flowers

Mississippilessly · 09/04/2019 20:34

You have to do what is right for your existing children and yourselves. Don't have another baby just because you feel guilty. It isnt a conscious thing yet - it cant think and it doesnt have feelings. But it will when its born and thats when your actions do matter.

Sparklesocks · 09/04/2019 20:39

Sorry you are struggling at the moment OpFlowers. You need to do what’s right for you. No judgement here no matter which way you go ❤️

JustHereForThePooStoriesFella · 09/04/2019 20:43

OP, I wouldn’t be happy if I was faced with an unexpected pregnancy.

I hope you come to a decision that you and your husband are both happy with.

CaptSkippy · 09/04/2019 20:52
Flowers Whatever you decide I hope it all works out.
Original poster
Tedcar · 10/04/2019 06:12

Thank you all.

OP posts:
user1480880826 · 10/04/2019 06:22

Don’t feel guilty OP. Do what you need to for the sake of your family.

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