I should be happy right?

[Tedcar]

Namechanged for obvious reasons...
Pregnant with dc 3 not expected terrible timing. I’m on my knees with exhaustion already everything is chaos - moving house ds’x 2 schools, different area. I’ve been working on a project for 2 years in the making due to complete in the summer.
Dh mega busy with work.
I wouldn’t want to terminate but I wish we had been more careful. I’ve got no help really and I do know how this is supposed to work?

[CaptSkippy]

I really wish I could take your guilt away, OP. I don't think you need to feel guilty at all. Considering what you described in this thread, I think you are making a selfless choice for your family.

[KellyW88]

Days away from having DC3** don’t know what happened with that sentence 😳

[KellyW88]

I am days away from ha and my first pregnancy was twins, when I found out I was pregnant my twins weren’t even a year old yet, DH and I had taken all ahem precautions and thought we were safe, but I caught anyway.

We had to decide between termination and keeping DC3, for so many reasons, how would it affect our care for the twins, financially can we manage another, could I appreciate that 3 children under 5 years old was going to exhaust me mentally and physically for years to come (I’m a SAHM so can’t imagine how a career would have impacted our final decision you have my sympathies).

I ended up on the “keep” side of the decision. I realised very quickly that I couldn’t go through a termination. I had a difficult pregnancy with the twins that ended in an emergency C Section and several months in several NICU’s before we could bring DD and DS home, this made DH all the more wary and it scares me still that DC3 may have to go through the same, but I just knew I couldn’t.

If you know in your gut what is best for you, and that decision is to terminate, then follow it.

DC3 isn’t here yet but I don’t regret my decision and even though it took a long time for DH to come around, he’s actually excited (if not still extremely worried) to meet DC3 in the not too distant future.

OP trust your instinct xx

[Tedcar]

Thank you all I can’t speak to anyone in rl about this apart from my Dh but he doesn’t fully understand how it feels to feel pregnant the emotions of it all.
I’m trying to put it out of my mind now decision is made. I can’t get in until week of Easter Monday so bit of a wait until then hopefully it goes fast.

[Asta19]

OP please don’t beat yourself up over this. I had 2 DC at a young age and got pregnant a third time. I decided on a termination. I won’t lie, I felt horribly guilty and quite depressed for a while afterwards but I don’t regret it. Yes I would have coped but I could provide for two, three would have pushed us into poverty. There is absolutely nothing wrong in considering what is best for your two existing DC. Over the years I’ve seen that I definitely made the best decision, the two I have would have missed out on so much if i’d had a third. Take good care of yourself and please understand you are not a bad person and you do not deserve to suffer. You are making a decision based on your whole families needs, that’s actually a very selfless thing to do.

[Mississippilessly]

Oh OP please be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes. You dont deserve to suffer at all.

[jackstini]

Oh Tedcar, you don't deserve to suffer at all
You are going about this decision thoughtfully together with all the info and making the best choice for your whole family
I know you will suffer, whatever you decide, but please don't believe you deserve it, you don't

[Tedcar]

Thank you all for being so understanding when in this instance it’s been a monumental f**k up on my part so frustrated that I’ve put myself in this position. I do feel more centred today if that makes sense I know it will be horrible and I will feel guilty but I also think that within the not too distant future (I hope anyway) that I will feel relieved.
The process sounds awful - thinking medical rather than surgical but I think I probably deserve to suffer anyway for my stupidity. Hopefully if that’s the price I pay.

[WestBerlin]

Personally I would terminate in your circumstances. There’s no reason to feel guilty for doing what is best for yourself and your family.

It doesn’t matter what you ‘should’ feel (according to whom, anyway?), or what anyone else would do, or what they think. What matters is what you want to do, what is best for the life you’re leading and want to lead.

[Cath2907]

I have a delightful DD (aged 8). Having more children isn't something I want. I have good contraception but in the event of a failure and a pregnancy I would sadly terminate.

[Springwalk]

I wouldn't be happy, and I would definitely consider terminating in your position. I have no family help, and over the years it has been really, really hard. Especially in emergencies. And there seems to be lots of those when the children are young. Combined with the timing and the fact you really would not have chosen to be in this position, you may be doing the whole family a disservice by going ahead.

Please don't feel guilty. These things happen all the time. Better to have a life you can manage, and cope with, than to take on too much with the years of stress and strain ahead.

Good luck with whatever you decide op. You will need courage whatever you decide. I hope it works out best for all of you.

[Tedcar]

I have to also add although the termination experience was awful and the initial time after I felt tremendously guilty- it was all I thought about for many months. I have for a long time looked back and thought it was the right decision.

[maras2]

tedcar Whatever you decide best wishes from me.I had a termination 45 years ago as my boyfriend and I were very young students.We've had a long and happy marriage and have adult children and grandchildren and although termination is not ideal, I think that had we not opted for it we wouldn't be in the position we are now, recently retired and on good pensions due to us having had good careers which would not have been possible, for me anyway,had we not made the decision we did all of those years ago.Mx

[Thurlow]

Focus on the fact that you are deciding to do this for the family you already have. You're doing this for your children too.

Fwiw I terminated an unexpected pregnant between DC 1 and 2 because the impeach mentally and financially would have just been too much. It was a difficult decision to make and I do wish it hadn't happened, but I don't regret it at all. It was the right decision to make for the DC we already had.

[Confusedbeetle]

Be very sure that you make the right decision. I have no time for the pro-life brigade but I also know people who have had a termination for reasons that might have been worked through, and who bitterly regretted it. Between the lines, I can't help feeling that your heart isn't in it and you are looking to Mn and your OH to validate what you feel is the sensible decision. I think realistically you should go for some counseling at a pregnancy advice clinic to sort out what you really want. Please be absolutely certain. You say you are heartbroken. I don't think the impact on your first two would be so massive, they don't need masses of material things, they need happy parents. This is about you primarily, the first termination didn't sound a good experience

[Tedcar]

Thank you all I’m at work today and it’s been nice to be too busy to think until now. We’ve looked into different options and it would make so much sense not to carry on right now. Think we are both heartbroken but it’s not workable and would negatively impact on our 2 dc massively so that’s helping shape our decision.
I did have a termination years ago as a teenager and it was an awful experience I needed months of counselling afterwards due to the guilt.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I am chronically ill and disabled. I only had one child through ivf. I wasn’t ill or disabled until ivf btw. If you think your pregnancy will have a big impact on your existing children then you are right to seriously consider not having any more. I was berated as selfish for only having one. But I knew two would never have worked even if I even managed to get pregnant. I struggle so much with just one. It was very very hard to reconcile my intense desire for another child and dds yearning for a sibling.

[tomhazard]

If I fell pregnant with a third I'd be pretty miserable but probably wouldn't terminate either, so I get this. If you and your DH really don't think you could cope you could look a bit more closely into termination if you think you could live with it guilt-free.

If you're going to ahead regardless then think of the positives- another person to love and enjoy bringing up, another playmate for your DC,

[kateandme]

mum didn't think she could manage a 3rd.for all the reasons you've mentioned op.but then she realised that she would love it but only didn't want to becasude of guilt and fear like you mentioned.but oce she realise it its amazing how things were worked out.and she was able to make plans and sort her job and has never regretted it.so although your scared for yourself and the other two.a family that is loved and able to make reasonable financial plans will and can be ok.
keep talking to eachother.
forget guilt over how this happened.it did.it does more often than people think.guilt wont change it now.
take lots of care.it must be so hard.
the fact you caring so much over this decision shows what a good mum you are.so you will make the right choice.

[Borderterrierpuppy]

Hi Op a friend of mine had a termination after unexpectedly getting pregnant with third. She has never regretted it though it was a hard decision at the time. She said she felt huge relief afterwards.
Good luck with whatever you both decide.

[cordeliavorkosigan]

Think about how you feel, not just (or mainly) how your DH feels and how you think you should feel. Termination is a genuine option - there are enough children in your family (since you are happy with it!) and on the earth generally; this would affect your other children, your career and life -- you don't have to continue if you don't want to and you don't have to feel guilty.

[teyem]

Having three children is not the same as having two It strikes me as rather perverse that the pro-life crowd grossly underplay the amount of money, energy, patience and logistical resources that's required to bring a life into the world, nurture it and support it to adulthood.

A quick search on MN will show an abundance of women who'd love a much wanted third child but who agonise over whether they can meet the shift from two to three and the extra capacity it demands financially, emotionally and physically. It's not to be entered into lightly.

I have three but wouldn't have wanted the decision foist upon me in these circumstances op, I'm not surprised you're not happy.

[Rertee]

I was in a similar position and terminated. Obviously I don't know your full situation or feelings but all I would say is I never regretted it or looked back. I'm grateful for my life now and the life we can give our two. Marie Stopes have really good over the phone counselling. Good luck to you X

[Shutuptodd]

A third does make a difference. I was in the same boat as you when I found out I was pregnant with my third. I always remember crying a few months after having them thinking what the fuck have I done. I wouldn't change him for the world but it was so hard. Splitting yourself 3 ways is also difficult. We had to buy a bigger car at the time and all the baby stuff again. It wasn't new but still cost money.

Now he is 8 things aren't quite so bad I'm now a single mum which brings even more hardships but now they dont all need car seats I have a tiny two door corsa and they all fit.

I think you really need to weigh up the pros and cons and try not to feel guilty. If it gives your children who are already here a better life then that's a good thing.

[user1480880826]

Don’t feel guilty OP. Do what you need to for the sake of your family.