Single mums are great in bed but no good for a relationship...

[Kerolina]

This is what I was told today, amongst a group of colleagues on a KIT day. Apparently because they are usually idiots who used a man for a child or are no fun anymore as they only do kiddy stuff. But apparently are 'gagging for it' as they're no good at relationships do don't get regular sex (anyone else thinking wtf? They all laughed and agreed). They don't know that during my maternity leave (currently on) I left my abusive DH and am now a single mum. My manager knows and is very supportive but it's confidential so nobody else knows. They have no idea I'm single. I didn't have the energy to question it. I left very quickly and sobbed in the bathroom.

Why am I so upset over this? I'm so fragile and I hate it.

I wouldn't just raise this with my manager, I would be going straight to HR with this.

Not only is it an appalling viewpoint it’s also completely inappropriate for the workplace. I can understand why it upset you as they have lumped all single mothers into a category then sexualised them whilst simultaneously degrading them. I’d definitely report it, I’ve seen a similar situation go through formal HR grievance/disciplinary process. But it is understandable if you don’t want to do so.

I've seen variations of this on my local fb page - some men commenting on how single mothers had different men over every night of the week! I can't remember even what they initial post they were commenting was on now, but it was only vaguely related and these comments seemed to come more from the darkest recesses of those men's imaginations than any actual experience. I raged at them that actually most single mothers have other things to think about (such as a child to care for) than desperately needing a man. It's really off putting as a female to see this incessant mocking/hatred of single mothers (by both men and women) - it certainly doesn't make me want to 'find a man'! Oddly you never hear these people mocking or hating on the dads who don't pay maintenance.

I have to agree that their assessment is fairly accurate. When you’re a mum you constantly have your kids around, you’re always doing “kiddy” things, you’re not free to go out and do adult pastimes, you’re stuck at home most nights while they’re in bed, and I can see why a lot of single men don’t want to sign up for that. And it’s also true that you probably don’t get much opportunity for sex.

HOWEVER they shouldn’t have been discussing it at work and certainly shouldn’t have been saying it in a derogatory way and laughing. It’s not appropriate workplace behaviour and I’d complain.

You are not wrong for feeling upset at all. Kit day is a very wobbly thing anyway, tears in the toilet, without the abhorrent banter, would be perfectly understandable.
Have a quiet word with your manager, you say she is supportive. She should have your back.

Ugh what horrible men. I'm so sorry you're upset OP. Men certainly do get together with single mums for serious relationships, and many of them are single dads. All this means is that twats like this don't, and that's a good thing for you.

Single mothers are rock stars. And if we lived in a world that valued the actual worth of humans, we would all know that. If a man left a bad relationships, worked, had the DC most of the time and also did the housework, they'd be throwing a fucking parade.

MrsTP's post!

What they’ve said it wrong and completely inappropriate, but it’s not a personal attack.
You can complain that there are inappropriate conversations taking place, but you’re allowing your current vulnerability to perceive this as an attack, which it isn’t.
KIT days are hard, and I expect your feeling sensitive, your certainly shouldn’t be considering leaving your job over this. That’s the last thing you need.
I’m currently sat in the office with women talking opening about how brief sex with there partners is (yes, in a jokey way), I’m sure if there was a guy suffering with premature ejaculation listening he’d be upset- but it doesn’t mean it’s directed at him.

I'm sure there are single mothers who enjoy casual sex. That doesn't make them desperate, or bad at relationships. It's just that certain other people can't cope with that idea, so have to malign them.

Are these people you work closely with? Do you want to pursue this? You could report to HR and ask them to promote a more inclusive atmosphere at work (there is some legislation around toxic work environments that this could fall under). You could quietly ask your manager to remind people that the office is a work environment and not a place to be sharing sexist 'banter' about sex, even in the lunch room.

If these are people you don't have much contact with, you could just choose to ignore them.

Misogynists like these men will always find a way to run women down - you just happened to hear their "single mums" version.

Still single with no kids in your 30s? couldn't get a man.
Kids and married? Dull, boring, unattractive, just does kiddy stuff
Don't want kids? Unnatural, cold, unfeeling
Want kids? baby obsessed, will probably trap them by getting pregnant
blah, blah, blah...

All total bollocks obviously!

I think definitely try and speak to your manager or HR about these men. How can they think that kind of conversation is acceptable at work?!

This is completely unprofessional to bring up at work. It may have been break time but that sort of language should not be tolerated in a professional setting. HR should be able to advise you further. This is sexual harrassment and needs reporting. Acas have good advice and support on this sort of thing. www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=6078

That’s grim OP!
Shame you didn’t say anything (although I really do understand why)

These type of people are the same people who wonder why there’s an international woman’s day and don’t see anything wrong with their sexist views (my dad is like this - he makes me feel sick) and believe that woman are here for their entertainment only.

Do you think you would be able to raise this to your managers? This type of thing would not be ok at the place I work at and the people involved would be given a warning!

Come & work with me! Most of my colleagues are single mums & everyone else is lovely.

Seriously since I started work in the nhs years ago I've never heard the disgusting sexism I had to put up with in the private sector especially in offices. It was awful.

Please report this to HR at least.

What lines of work are you that employs such imbeciles?

It's not an actual thing OP it's this:

Sexist nobbers have ways to reduce women of any age and situation to sex. Cougars, MILFs, a few more repulsive ones. It says everything about them and nothing about women.

It is 100% misogynistic bullshit.

Ugh, this is disgusting!!! I'm so sorry you have to deal with sexist pricks like this. I had similar experiences at a previous job, it constantly made my blood boil, and I'm so glad I got out of that toxic environment.

If you feel safe doing so, I'd report this to your manager or HR.

It's a load of sexist bullshit. Don't let it get to you. Use it as a tool for determining which dickheads aren't worthy of your company! They need to put women down and degrade them to feel powerful. It's pathetic. As another poster mentioned, men would get a bloody medal if the roles were reversed and they coped half as well in the situations women routinely find themselves in when ending a relationship involving children. I was a single parent. I was also a teen parent so I got extra abuse. Funnily enough, my son's father was never vilified for having created a baby, let alone for rarely seeing him and paying no maintenance for the first nine years of his life. He quite happily lived his life with everybody acting like he was a great bloke.

I'd go to HR to be honest.

And for what it's worth, I was never short of interested men. Interested in a relationship, not just sex. In fact, I entered into a purely sexual relationship with one friend for fun and he ended up telling me he was in love with me and wanted a relationship. We're married now. So quite the opposite of what those men were suggesting. Normal men will not regard you as damaged goods. What a stupid, sexist phrase that is. I can pretty confidently say that no man with children would be considered damaged goods. I hate the bloody phrase. Implying that a woman's worth is tied up in how pure and virginal they are whilst comparing them to something you would buy and pay more for pristine condition. Yuck.

Dating asingle parent means that youre never number one in their list of priorities- so to that extent, single mums or dads arent great for relationships

That's derogatory to women. I think you should tell your boss to have a word with that person. Imagine if they were discussing how disabled people are a financial drain on the nhs?! Or how men who like children are always paedophiles?! What they are saying is inappropriate in the staff room. They need to save their gutter talk for the pub. Report to your boss and tell her it affected you. What they are saying is absolutely untrue. I hope you feel better soon. Sending hugs.

I’ve heard a man say this before so it is a thing. I’m a single mum so was super chuffed to hear it

Awful for your colleagues to say this, but agree says more about them than it does you!

I'd report them, regardless of your own status, sexual banter of this nature is not appropriate in the workplace and in regard to your own status contributes to a hostile work environment.

It is totally unprofessional for men to speak this way in the workplace.you would have a case for saying they made it impossible for you to work. You need to raise a formal grievance about this behaviour and insist that this kind of bullshit is not tolerated.it is not ok for them to spread their sexist ideas around and objectify women.
I am sorry that you had this experience, sounds like life is hard for you right now.

Sadly I don’t think it’s just sexist nobbers that think this way. There’s a few variations but I have never felt so looked down upon and have painfully understood that others perceive me as having little worth since I became a single mother. Even my own family look down on me and seem to view me almost as a child again since I stopped being in a couple to give me value. That people say this is no shock to me. I had a romantic interest laugh at me and ridicule me for saying I was tired. “What do you do that makes you so tired?! You haven’t even got a job!” No I care for two autistic children full time alone apart from a weekend every six weeks when I might be able to get some child care. Needless to say that didn’t go any further.

It wasn't a personal attack but it was a horribly misogynistic comment made by a group of men presumably outnumbering the woman/women present. "Gagging for it", women ensnaring men to have a baby etc. would make any woman feel extremely uncomfortable. It's not appropriate.

OP, how about writing an email to HR. I'd point out the above, rather than making the complaint about their comments on single mums in particular, or about you.

I'm frankly amazed that these men know anything about single mums' sexual preferences - how on earth have they managed to persuade one to go to bed with them? Fortunately there are plenty of men out there with more brains, when you eventually do start to take an interest in the other sex again.

Honestly they will say this about any group of women

Single parent - gagging for it and will put up with anything
Married - will drop their pants if anyone interested for some excitement
Older women - cant get anyone so gagging for it from young men will put with anyone

Blah blah blah.

It about them. Not you

The problem is the bloody men who fuck off and leave, not the women pickiing up the pieces afterwards, and doing their best for their children I am sorry you have to work with a bunch of bastards!