Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a load of old bollocks?

57 replies

KaleidoscopeEyes · 09/04/2019 15:00

Have had a furious row with OH today regarding housework.

I am SICK TO THE BACK TEETH of being the one in the house that's responsible for all the shit work, and this is one of those cyclical arguments that is never resolved.

So apparently in this particular episode, he has decided that I should do more in the house as I earn less than him? Is this a thing? I am LIVID.

OP posts:
Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 09/04/2019 15:24

Ok, so I should do more because I work less hours. That I get. I do everything though! All the cooking, cleaning, dishes, washing... that's not fair in anyone's world, is it?

OP posts:
beenandgoneandbackagain · 09/04/2019 15:25

Has he read this:

She divorce me because I left dishes by the sink

He needs to read it and let it sink in. Then apologise to you for being such a massive dick.

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 09/04/2019 15:27

Do you know what it is? It's the assumption that that's what I'm good for. Nobody else needs to even think about it, even consider it, because it'll all be done automatically.

You know how some most men take to their bed when they're ill? I can't do that, or I'll have 2/3 days worth of shit to do when I'm better.

I can ask him do do stuff and he will do it. But why should I have to ask?? He's an adult like I am.

OP posts:
Seeline · 09/04/2019 15:29

Stop cooking for him.
Stop doing his washing.
Stop doing anything you can that helps him.
See if that helps concentrate his mind a little.

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 09/04/2019 15:30

Wow that article is interesting reading. I might send him that later when I'm on a 12 hour night shift...

OP posts:
strathmore · 09/04/2019 15:36

I work on average 40 hours a week, including unsocial hours and nights. He works about 60.

You need to work out commuting time as well but yes you should do more than him until you both have the same amount of free time.

So start with- we both get 12 hours free time a week (in total not solo, some joint etc). What does that leave? As he does 60 hours then I expect he gets no free time on working days? Get up, get to work, 12 hours, home, eat, sleep?

Your teens can help as well. What do they do? Rota them in.

cuppycakey · 09/04/2019 15:40

Swap him for tax credits.

ginghamtablecloths · 09/04/2019 15:41

Traditionally we women got lumbered with the vast majority of the wretched housework and thank goodness those days are over. I guess it'll always be a sticking point between you unless he either changes his ways (unlikely) or you care less and let the shit build up.

If he also dropped his clothes on the floor and expected me to pick up after him it would add to the annoyance. I expect good old Mum did this so he grew up with this expectation. I can't advise as my DH was a reasonable human being.

downcasteyes · 09/04/2019 15:41

There's every chance that you earn less than he does BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING THE HOUSEWORK. Therefore, in order to level the playing field, he needs to take on more.

Read this, OP. What you're talking about has been well discussed and analysed, only women have sometimes not read the material so they don't have the toolkit to get out there and kick some ass. Basically there is a circuit of unpaid, unwaged work that is PART OF CAPITALISM called social reproduction. It consists of all the tasks that are necessary to ensure that someone is able to go to work - so buying groceries, cooking food, washing clothes, cleaning the house so it is hygienic etc etc etc. The wage depends on this work, as much as it depends on the person being at a desk actually doing their job.

Some early stuff from Federici here.

www.commoner.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/04-federici.pdf

FriarTuck · 09/04/2019 15:43

If he does 60 hours and you do 40 hours, then yes, you should do more housework than him because you work less hours (nothing to do with how much you're paid.)
This ^^.
There's every chance that you earn less than he does BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING THE HOUSEWORK. Therefore, in order to level the playing field, he needs to take on more.
What?!! Confused If he shoves the hoover round OP's boss will give her a pay raise? I don't think it works like that....

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2019 15:43

So based on hours it should be 60/40

It’s not a thing your husband is being awfuk

downcasteyes · 09/04/2019 15:48

So many women end up being stuck in jobs that are frankly beneath their skills and intelligence because they are factoring in childcare and housework and thinking "God, I can't take on any more". They aren't working a 40 hour week, they're working a 90 hour week with a bloke who is sitting back and saying "Oh, I do 60 hours so I an entitled to put my feet up".

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 09/04/2019 15:51

Those days aren't over though. You only have to read all the posts here saying their partner does fuck all around the house.

I would never have got with someone that I believed thought like that.

OP posts:
IceRebel · 09/04/2019 15:55

I would never have got with someone that I believed thought like that.

So now you know he believes that way, what are you going to do about it?

Because grumbling; although cathartic, doesn't change his behaviour.

RomanyQueen1 · 09/04/2019 15:57

OP, he can't be like this and ok in every other way. I bet if you start looking you'll find lots of little red flags.
If you work fewer hours though, you should do more, but not substantially more.

downcasteyes · 09/04/2019 15:58

"You only have to read all the posts here saying their partner does fuck all around the house."

Exactly.

It doesn't have to be this way, though. DH helps around the house and garden a LOT for the reason that he's a feminist - and he works an exceptionally long week.

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 09/04/2019 16:00

It's something I'm going to have to think long and hard about. This is a deal breaker for me, and I thought he knew that.

It's the lack of respect. Don't just treat me like all I'm good for is to pick up everyone's pants and clean skid marks out of the toilet. How fucking dare you.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 09/04/2019 16:08

What?!! confused If he shoves the hoover round OP's boss will give her a pay raise? I don't think it works like that....

No, but current research I've read recently on working hours (we're cutting working hours based upon productivity studies) takes into account that women often take on an additional mental load and manual labour at home more than men. Which, in turn, affects their ability to function at work.

Now, my DH is doing ok in these respects - with my, erm, input, shall we say. But I was away this weekend, and the place was still scruffy as hell when I got back - if I'm alone for the weekend, the place gets steadily cleaner, not messier. I do his jobs as well as mine if I'm the only one there to cause them!

Mitzimaybe · 09/04/2019 16:13

Well, there's two things that you shouldn't be doing at all. You have only teenagers and adults in the house so should all be picking up their own pants and cleaning their own skid marks. I'd give fair notice and then any pants left on the floor after that would go in the bin.

Does he have to work 60 hours a week or does he choose to do so?

YANBU and it would be a deal breaker for me too.

longtimelurkerhelen · 09/04/2019 16:14

Please can every Woman stop saying "HELPS" around the house.

They are not helping, they are contributing to the upkeep of THEIR own Home/Garden.

Helping implies it is your job and they are doing you a favour.

OP YANBU He should do his fair share and get the teens in on it too.

KickAssAngel · 09/04/2019 16:15

If he shoves the hoover round OP's boss will give her a pay raise? I don't think it works like that..

For Friar Tuck, and anyone else who can't work it out.

NO - if she isn't kept busy shoving the hoover round/running the kids round/shopping/cooking etc etc, she can stay late at work, network, apply for better jobs, study for a better job, take on responsibility, take on more shifts, be more energised and successful at work etc etc.

The thing about inequality is that those who do better out of it end up better off, not because they are better, but because someone else has been forced into being worse off.

QueenKubauOfKish · 09/04/2019 16:19

The thing is even paying for a cleaner doesn't cover everything - far from it. Someone still has to do all the everyday jobs, remember to put the rubbish out, dishes, laundry, shopping, cooking.

And it's also the responsibility as OP specified - being responsible for it, sorting everything out, knowing what needs doing. I can understand taking on a bit more housework in respect to working fewer hours, but the other person should still do a fair share, and not just a fair share of actual labour, but a fair share of taking responsibility and being on top of stuff.

As for suggesting you should do more because you earn less Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry

There are many reasons why women earn less and yes one of them is lazy men prioritising work and leaving it to women to manage the home; as well as all the other patriarchal reasons. What matters is the hours you're doing and the effort you're making. I wonder if he'd agree that he should do more housework if he earned less. Ask him.

This is one of the many things that drove me mad OP and caused me to eventually leave my ex. If that is what you decide to do, that's a totally valid reason and it is what we should do about men who don't pull their weight domestically. Stop tolerating it. All of us.

Thunderwing · 09/04/2019 16:37

it is what we should do about men who don't pull their weight domestically. Stop tolerating it. All of us

^ This ^

Provincialbelle · 09/04/2019 16:50

So you have got an accountant, not a husband?

SadieContrary · 09/04/2019 16:54

My DH earns 8x my salary but we both work the same hours so housework is split - the money is irrelevant. It's about the amount of time we spend out the house which is the same