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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Overreacting?

32 replies

Sprinkes101 · 08/04/2019 15:55

Hi all,

Looking for a bit of perspective.

I have been with my partner 1.5 years, currently live together.

2 weeks ago he came home quite drunk after a night out, me and my friend were sat in the living room having a catch up whilst sharing a bottle of wine. I escorted him up to bed as he was stumbling on his feet, and once upstairs asked me to go get said friend. His intention was 100% threesome and he has since admitted this.

He was apologetic and sheepish the next day, however my issue stems from the lack of sex life we have had in preceding months with him putting the issue on his part down to stress and overworking. I'm starting to believe it's me he doesn't want sex with, I've tried communicating the effect its having, however he tries for about 2 weeks, then the same patterns continue.

He informed me last week that he has recently took on a employee again, one who has previously slept (before our relationship) with that he knows I had concerns over in the past. The manager currently working for him he has had previous history with also, I think that's what screwing my judgement. 2 members of staff that he's slept with, one on multiple occasions.

Is it just my own insecurities playing up here or is this behaviour somewhat weird, I think my question is, would anyone else find it weird or wary? I have been insecure in the past, 100% admit this however I'm not sure if this 'niggling' feeling I currently have is normal or if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill?

OP posts:

Duchessgummybuns · 08/04/2019 15:59

I don’t think you’re overreacting, he sounds entirely disrespectful of you and your feelings. The threesome comment was vile, but to reiterate it while sober shows what a cunt he is. I’d get rid personally but things are never usually that simple. Does he have any good points?

CoffeeConnoisseur · 08/04/2019 16:00

It’s almost like he’s deliberately needling at you to keep you feeling insecure - doesn’t want sex with you but wants a threesome with your mate, telling you about members of staff that he works with and he’s previously slept with.

Well the good news is, you’ve only wasted 1.5 years on him. Not long at all. If your sex life is dire now, when you should still be in the “at it like rabbits” stage, it ain’t gonna get any better.

Cut your losses with this one, there’s much better out there.

Chocolateisfab · 08/04/2019 16:01

He isn't ready for a monogamous relationship is he?
Ltb.. And get checked out too.

Original poster

Sprinkes101 · 08/04/2019 16:04

Apologies I don't know how to direct quote,

He does have good points, however the things mentioned above has been niggling me to the point I brought it up yesterday. The threesome comment he said the next day he doesn't know why he said it, he was trying to 'spruce' up out sex life (we have recently found out a couple we know are swingers, I don't know if this played a part in his thinking)

It got hurled that I'm paranoid and insecure. When he calmed down he said he understands why I feel the way I do, however if I cant get over it then we should leave it. I agreed, and still do however just wanted to know if I was being dramatic with my thought processes. The main reason I want to leave it, is how my thoughts and feelings were diminished when I brought these points up.

I admit I am sometimes insecure, however I think he is playing on this to make me look the bad one? He stayed at a friends house last night (I think!) and will be coming home tonight to discuss going forward.

Just wanted a different perspective.

OP posts:

Babooshkar · 08/04/2019 16:04

You already know the answer is he can’t be trusted, sounds like you’re not ready to quite admit it yet.

Good luck op!

Original poster

Sprinkes101 · 08/04/2019 16:04

So many typos - apologies!!

OP posts:

CoffeeConnoisseur · 08/04/2019 16:07

When he comes to talk you should tell him “you’re right, I’ve been doing some thinking and I am paranoid and insecure, and I’ve realised that your actions and behaviour are what is making me feel that way. I’ve decided that it’s in my best interests to end this relationship now”.

And watch his face drop!

Duchessgummybuns · 08/04/2019 16:09

Life’s too short to be worrying that your partner wants to sleep with your friends and his colleagues. He doesn’t sound like he’s falling over himself to reassure you that he wouldn’t. Better to be single and know where you stand imo.

Happyspud · 08/04/2019 16:10

What kind of a scumbag man thinks some friend of his partner is sitting downstairs just WAITING for an invite to experience his spectacular offering of sex.

I’d have dumped him that second. The utter disrespect for you AND your friend. He must have some low opinion of women thinking they are just there to be used when he fancies it.

mgtow101 · 08/04/2019 16:11

A couple of things to unpack here. First is that you spoke of a lack of sex life and the second is that he hired someone that he slept before our relationship and lastly the coming home drunk and thinking that a 3some was a good idea.

First and foremost, if there is a disconnect in your sex life then you both need to talk about it and see each others point of view.

If he hired someone who he prev had sex with before he knew you, that should not really be a problem if you trust him and his ex. After all everyone needs a job these days!

Lastly the coming home drunk and wanting a 3some, that's not cool and disrespectful tbh and he should be called out on it. The way to phrase it is to ask him how he would feel if it was the other way round.

Original poster

Sprinkes101 · 08/04/2019 16:19

Just to clarify regarding the work situation,

Employee A has worked for him for around 3 years, with previous sexual encounters happening before our relationship.

Employee B worked for him before our relationship, with encounters also happening before our relationship. She got dismissed last year, and he informed me on Thursday he has since hired her again.

He knew my concerns at the start of our relationship regarding both of them and working closely beside people he has slept with. However knowing this then hiring her again, even after having to previously sack them?!

Thank you for all the replies!

OP posts:

Chocolateisfab · 08/04/2019 16:21

Maybe agree (pretend) to a threesome with a male friend of yours??
Make sure you choose someone a step up from him? That won't be difficult for such a worm....

mgtow101 · 08/04/2019 16:23

If your feeling insecure, was that from this relationship or something else?

If he has cheated on you in the past then you should,of course, be more diligent and keep an eye on the relationship rather than just assume all is well. If he has not and its just baggage from a prev relationship then you do need to deal with your insecurities. Guys have the same problems.

Original poster

Sprinkes101 · 08/04/2019 16:25

mgtow101

I have been cheated on in every relationship I've been in, and stupidly got into a relationship with someone who has never been faithful. To my knowledge, so far he has never cheated on me.

I know if the shoe was on the other foot, he wouldn't be happy with me hiring previous sexual partners and working closely alongside them daily. However, he seems to be unable to understand my view point other than "I get you, now shut up about it"

OP posts:

BeanTownNancy · 08/04/2019 16:30

18 months in, it shouldn't be like this.

Cut your losses and get out. It's only downhill from here if you don't.

SunshineCake · 08/04/2019 16:45

You can't get over i5 so want to leave it or him?

Leave it means you never mention it again and he gets away with being a twat.

Leaving him means you get to rebuild your self worth and find someone who wants to shag you.

SunshineCake · 08/04/2019 16:45

it, not i5

SunshineCake · 08/04/2019 16:48

Nah, he tells you to shut up when you've been with him five minutes. Got shot for all sorts of reasons.

Original poster

Sprinkes101 · 08/04/2019 16:56

Leave him,

He is causing me to doubt myself, and I've never been like this before. I wasn't sure if I was making a mountain out of a molehill and just being dramatic.

Hence the reason for this post!

I appreciate all replies. Currently feel sick at the thought of seeing him tonight.

OP posts:

AppleCiderVinegar · 08/04/2019 17:04

OP it doesn't sound like this man is good for your self-confidence! Dismissing your feelings like that is a particularly bad sign to be honest.

outpinked · 08/04/2019 17:07

If he isn’t cheating already, he will be soon. Sorry OP, things don’t look good. If my DP wanted to sleep with my friend he’d be out on his ear!

magoria · 08/04/2019 17:15

Life is too short. A year and a half together, he is making you doubt yourself, you are unhappy with your sex life and he wants to have sex with others.

You deserve better.

Original poster

Sprinkes101 · 09/04/2019 08:46

He came over last night apologising profusely both for his behaviour and his disregard to my feelings.

He said he completely understands why I am upset, tried to explain the 3some comment again on previous discussions we had regarding our friends being swingers, saying he know he doesn't satisfy me and thought in madness it would spruce it up. He has swore that he has no interest in anyone else, nor my friend but understands why I'm having these thoughts.

Regarding the employee, he said that it was a one time thing and it never went any further, he likes her as a friend. I pointed out that things did progress with them, enough to fall into bed with each other.
He also understands my thoughts but I have completely nothing to worry about.

He reiterated that he has never been faithful to anyone but me, and to him that's a testament to how much he loves me. Apparently never had the incline or notion to even entertain anything.

He apologised for the name calling and calling me paranoid. He actually asked me if anything was bugging me on Sunday which prompted me to bring these issues up, he apologised for then going on a rant about how I need to essentially move on or drop it. He admits he was out of order and completely embarrassed by his behaviour.

He stated that he wants a life with me, said all the right things (that could be said I suppose in this situation).

He spoke about reducing the amount of businesses he had last night, two have been a bit up in the air and causing a huge amount of stress recently - he's hoping this will reduce his stress personally hoping to see an improvement with our sex life.

I'm not sure what I want just now, what I want to happen and where I want it to go. I do love him, he has many good points but I don't want to be treated like a mug.

He asked if he could stay last night, I agreed but only to the spare room.

OP posts:

Bluestitch · 09/04/2019 08:49

He's a sleaze, a serial cheat and a sexual harrassment suit just waiting to happen. I'm sure you can do better.

Happyspud · 09/04/2019 08:51

He’s playing you.

He’s have to be thick as mince not to be able to put together those empty useless words he tried on you. But they mean nothing. At. All.

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