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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Interfering woman or not?! Sorry I am just so pissed off after reading this!

65 replies

jellybellybeanz · 08/04/2019 12:58

This is relating to Pick Me Up magazine that I'm currently reading. I've taken a picture of it and it says 85% of people said Yes....

What is the problem here? She's 24 years old! She's an adult and can make her own decisions. Bloody interfering hag!

What are your opinions? In case you're wondering why I am so bothered about this, I'm only asking as not only has it pissed me off but because my husband and I have a similar age gap. However, He is the best thing that has ever happened to me out of all the blokes I've been with my age! We've been together for 10 years, we have a child who he adores and is a fantastic father and He makes us all very happy. He would do anything for his family. He works hard and provides for us. I can't really say any more other than he is my soul mate and we are together in sickness and in health.

My family have an opinion and one of them has even had a word with one of my parents, asking them to tell me that I shouldn't be with an older man... that's after we had our DS as well! So they'd rather me be a single Mum all because we have a large age gap.

Interfering woman or not?! Sorry I am just so pissed off after reading this!

OP posts:

Yabbers · 08/04/2019 13:33

Chronologically yes its a high possibility, but Any one can suddenly drop dead or get hit by truck while crossing the road, so. That's just a silly statement

Not silly at all. It’s about probabilities. There’s a difference between taking a risk on something that’s 90% likely and something that’s 10% likely.

Lovestonap · 08/04/2019 13:36

Each to their own.
My mum is in a relationship with a much older man. At a fit and active 65 who longs to use her retirement to explore the world she is basically his carer now.
I know she regrets it but won't leave him out of a sense of duty.

I would like my children to have relationships with members of the same generation and would be unhappy with them in relationships with such a big age gap. Doesn't mean it would be in my power to do anything about it.

You can't predict anything about life, longevity etc, but you can give yourself the best chance at having a 'life' partner

BlueCornishPixie · 08/04/2019 13:40

'Bloody interfering old hag'? nice.

I'm 24 and 48 yr old men are a lot older than me. Very different life stages, very different maturity levels, personally I can't see a way that would work without a power imbalance, tbh i really dont see what a 48yr old would see in me because we are so different, and I don't know anyone my age with that a size relationship gap in a healthy equal relationship. There always ends uk being that slight lookimg after element which is weird. My dad is only 50!

I think everyone has the right to be concerned about their DD at this age dating a 48yr old man. It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with it, it doesn't make you an interfering hag ffs! What a nasty thing to say

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/04/2019 13:42

spanishwife
I think you nailed it. I’m lol 😂😂😂

In seriousness though I’d be concerned too. It’s not just about the age gap, dying and leaving young children, which as some have pointed out can be fine. I’d want to be very sure he wasn’t grooming / dominating / manipulating a vulnerable young woman. Not saying this 24 yo is vulnerable.

jelly belly
It’s fab that it worked out for you. However not everyone is the same. I suspect it is how you feel about others comments, which have made you react so vehemently. She isn’t a hag. She’s a concerned mother. Perhaps when your children get to this age you will be able to relate to her fears more. We don’t stop being parents when our children are adults. She’s asking for help. She should have come to Mumsnet though.

I know someone in late 30’s with a man almost 30 years older. They have a preschool child together. Her first child from a previous relationship died resulting in the relationship ending and several years later she started dating this man. It wouldn’t be my choice to have a child with a man that old. But it is hers. They as parents are very realistic. He has adult children almost as old as her. Everyone gets along.

RiddleyW · 08/04/2019 13:42

What's the male equivalent of hag? I guess that would be what your husband is?

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 08/04/2019 13:44

I was 22 and DH was 43 when we got together and there wasn't anything icky about it . 21 years later we're still together and have been married for nearly 7 years. There's no way I'd have missed out on 21 years of happiness because of other peoples' opinions.

And as for the bit about making her a grandmother - I told DM at a very young age that it wasn't going to happen and thankfully she accepted it, although it would have been tough if she hadn't!

Original poster

jellybellybeanz · 08/04/2019 13:44

I've already apologised for using the word hag. I shouldn't have said it and again I am sorry!

OP posts:

Eliza9919 · 08/04/2019 13:56

My honest opinion is I'd wonder what a 48 year old man has in common with an 24 year old woman tbh. Its only a few years above legal really imo. I'd be wary of letting the man in question around any teenage daughters I had. Smacks of going just above the age he's really interested in to bat away any suspicion.

My PC opinion is each to their own.

HavelockVetinari · 08/04/2019 13:56

I suppose it's not what any parent would want for their child - when the older half of the couple reaches old age the other one will either still be working or will have just retired and want to travel/enjoy their freedom. They're unlikely to be able to do so to the same extent they would if their partner was their age.

That being said, it's not on to write into a magazine about it. The daughter can make her own choices, although if I were her mum I'd at least make sure she'd thought through the implications for later life.

Piccalino3 · 08/04/2019 13:59

If I were this woman's mother I would be worried too and I have a 17 year age gap with my husband.

We have a lovely relationship most of the time but if I could change one thing I would make him the same age as me. I lost both of my parents in my 30's, my mum at 58 and my Dad at 70, it has made me worry and feel guilty so much about the future I have chosen to bestow on my children. On one hand they have a great father who will hopefully be around a lot when they are teens/young adults but he likely won't be there to see them well into adulthood. Of course you never know what will happen in life, plenty of younger people die early and lots of people are living longer but still, on the balance of probability and all that...

I would advise my daughters to enjoy their youth and not to be involved with anyone who has children, stepchildren have been a huge strain on our relationship and at 24 you have so many options. At the end of the day though everyone makes their choices and had to live with the consequences, I would just like a more 'normal' life and set of worries for my daughters.

MaxNormal · 08/04/2019 14:00

tbh i really dont see what a 48yr old would see in me because we are so different

To be blunt... a firm body and pert tits.

Katterinaballerina · 08/04/2019 14:04

Who would want their 24 year old getting together with a man old enough to be her father who has two young children from the last 20 something he was involved with? It’s not like there is a huge man shortage. There have to be better options out there.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 08/04/2019 14:08

I have sons, but I'd be horrified if my son was in a relationship with a woman just a few years younger than me; I just cannot imagine being attracted to someone young enough to be my child.

dworky · 08/04/2019 14:15

I'm more annoyed by your misogyny than any interference you've suffered, to be honest.

Lizzie48 · 08/04/2019 14:16

I would be concerned about such an age gap if it was one of my DDs, but not particularly because of their children potentially losing their parents young. That can happen at any age; my DM lost both her parents when she was 10, 3 months apart, despite there being an age gap between them of over 30 years.

My DH lost his dad at age 64, when he was tragically killed in a car accident. (My DH was late 30s, I personally don't see that as all that young, but that's because of my family experience.) His mum is still going strong at 78. You just never know how long any of us have got.

My concern would be more that there might be some coercion involved, especially where DD1 (currently 10) is concerned. She is emotionally vulnerable as a result of being adopted (they're both adopted but I don't have the same concerns with DD2).

Singlenotsingle · 08/04/2019 14:17

It's not a word we see used very often OP. Ageist and sexist. You'll probably see a few more comments...

StarbucksSmarterSister · 08/04/2019 14:26

The Hop,My dad died when I was 21. My sibling was 13. Dad was in his mid 50s. He was 3 years older than my mum.

Your father can die when you are any age.

Thehop · 08/04/2019 14:27

I’m sorry for all of you who lost very young parents.

I realise there are always instances like that but can’t help feeling much older parents have a higher chance of dying whilst their children are younger than is average...for a child to lose a parent? Does that even make sense? I’m sorry, I’m tired!

havingtochangeusernameagain · 08/04/2019 14:28

I've already apologised for using the word hag. I shouldn't have said it and again I am sorry

Too late OP - people are too lazy to read the full thread even when it's still as short as this one is.

Damntheman · 08/04/2019 14:28

There's nothing wrong with big age gaps once both are adults. It's got a lot more to do with compatible personality/energy levels. My parents were 14 years apart, my dad was 54 when I was born (56 when my sister was). It was never a problem for us, he was a hugely energetic man right up to his 70s when he developed Parkinsons and it all went downhill. He died two years ago when I was 33 and yes, it was devastating but I don't consider myself particularly young to have lost a parent and you might well lose a 24 year old parent to a car crash so it's a silly thing to consider.

This mum is RIDICULOUS. I would not forgive my mother for a) getting involved and b) writing to a magazine/paper about me like this! She'll be lucky if she gets to even see her daughter for a long while I suspect.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 08/04/2019 14:41

I must ask my husband if he only wanted to go out with me because he was trying to avoid suspicion

Jesus, MN is unbelievable sometimes!

ShowMeTheKittens · 08/04/2019 14:42

You do realise they make these stories up, don't you?

MrsAitch13 · 08/04/2019 14:42

17 Years between me and MrAitch. Together 31years. He died in February aged 69. I would do it all over again.

Lizzie48 · 08/04/2019 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 08/04/2019 14:44

Apologies, wrong thread!!

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