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Original poster

Family members buying gifts when I’ve said no...

31 replies

amelee · 07/04/2019 18:15

Long story short - My OHs daughter is 12 and at Xmas my OHs brother asked to buy her the new iPhone. OH said no because he was giving her his iPhone 5 and the Xmas before she has been brought another phone and had lost the charger and smashed it - plus her behaviour hasn’t been great. She’s just let slip that my OHs brother (her uncle) has told her he’s buying her the new iPhone next weekend, this led to me (not OH because he’s too soft) telling her that she will not be having a new phone, reasons being she doesn’t need it, wont look after it, hasn’t been well behaved, it’s waaay too much money etc - I also explained that we had already said no to her uncle at Xmas and so he shouldn’t have said that to her. There were tears and she was upset as apparently all of her friends have the latest phone. Very annoyed with her uncle, should we say something to him? Am I being unreasonable (also sometimes I don’t feel like it’s my place to say as I’m not her mum, but she has no sense of money and takes a lot for granted atm/is quite rude sometimes so I dont think we should reward her with a new phone??)

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 07/04/2019 18:38

Your oh needs to tell his brother. Since when does a non parent get to decide to buy a child a gift that she’s been told no to? I would be really annoyed at him. It isn’t fair to have that dangling then taken away but I wouldn’t cave, I’d just blame him. Asshole.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 07/04/2019 18:39

Why is he so desperate to get her a phone?

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 18:47

If my dp told my child what they couldnt have as a gift from my brother, I would tell him to keep out of it.

If I say no, then change my kind thats up to me and dp would accept my decision though he may not agree to it.

The uncle wants to buy it because he can and will forever be uncle cool. Lots of Teens and preteens would love this.

When I was at school it was kickers and Adidas trackie bottoms. All cost a fortune. Then the Leeds arc clothing. Times change.

Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 18:48

Agree with it.

Original poster
amelee · 07/04/2019 18:49

He doesn’t have any kids of his own - has a history of getting her very expensive gifts (got her an iPad Xmas before last without telling us) and so she knows that she can get him to buy her things, I think she’s been begging him for a new phone when she’s seen him/been texting him and calling him for one because she knows we won’t get her one.. also I think he thinks we’re being cruel for not getting her the latest stuff all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
amelee · 07/04/2019 18:52

We aren’t opposed to treats - she has lots of new things all the time but it’s getting a bit ridiculous with him spending A LOT of money on her when we have specifically told him not to, this is due to the fact that we are trying to teach her to look after the things she already has (I.e she had a new phone and broke it and didn’t care about it, was just like ‘oh well you can buy me a new one’)

OP posts:
Jessgalinda · 07/04/2019 18:52

Does the iPhone 5 still even update?

If not it will stop working pretty soon.

Original poster
amelee · 07/04/2019 18:55

Yeah it’s a 5s (so 6 functionality)

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 18:56

I don’t think it was your place to say anything.

OKBobble · 07/04/2019 18:59

It wasn't for you to say no to her. You say OH is too soft. So presumably he didn't actually have a problem with her having it after all or he would have said something.

Yes she might damage it or lose it but that would be her problem. You don't mind her having an internet enabled phone just don't want her to have a nice one.

I think it sounds like OH doesn't really mind but you won't allow her to have it.

Original poster
amelee · 07/04/2019 19:03

It was my OH who said no directly to his brother at Xmas - so no he doesn’t want her to have a new phone. And it’s not that we don’t want to her to have a nice phone it’s that she will not look after it but will expect a replacement if broken.

OP posts:
negomi90 · 07/04/2019 19:03

You need to be very careful here.
I can see where you are coming from, though I don't personally agree with tying quality of birthday and christmas presents to behaviour.
But from your 12yo point of view. There is something she really really wants which is important to her. You won't buy it for her - fine. But someone else can and is willing to do so.
From her point of view, saying no is you deciding to deprive her of something important to her because you can.
Her getting the phone does not hurt you financially. You aren't against her having a smart phone - its not an age/antiphone thing - otherwise you wouldn't let her have her dad's old one.
She knows all this.
Saying no, once its been offered and she knows it is an option will be devastating to her. She will view it as a power play on your part and resent you for it.
Her trust in you will be affected, her behaviour will worsen.
There is a difference between not getting a child the present they really want, and actively stopping from getting it from other legal means.
As to if she pushed him to it - well he's an adult and he had the power to say no. He didn't.
He behaved badly by telling her and not clearing it with you. You are in now in the position of saying yes - making your daughter incredibly happy (you can still have rules about the phone, and take it away as a consequence if need be). Or saying no and potentially worsening your relationship with your her. Saying no will be the sort of thing she remembers for life.

negomi90 · 07/04/2019 19:06

Let her have it. Don't replace if broken. She learns (and best thing is its not your money).
Best way of her learning is for her to break it and not have it replaced.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 07/04/2019 19:06

It’s literally bugger all to do with you. You’re not her mum. If my dh told my kids they could or couldn’t have from their uncle I’d be pissed off.

Butt out.

mimibunz · 07/04/2019 19:07

Are you her stepmum?

IvanaPee · 07/04/2019 19:08

But her dad didn’t tell her uncle no. So why did you? None of your business.

SkintAsASkintThing · 07/04/2019 19:08

Sorry but a stepdad posting this would be slaughtered. And rightly so.........you need to beak out and let her dad deal with this.

Bookworm4 · 07/04/2019 19:10

Not every 12 yr old has a £1000 phone so don't fall for that old chestnut. Your OH brother is out of order, he's going behind your OH back and undermining him, he needs to stand up to his brother and tell him not to buy the phone.

mimibunz · 07/04/2019 19:11

Ah, I see. Yeah, you really should stay out of it. These are decisions for her actual parents to make. It’s not your place to teach her about money or anything else. If I were her mother I would be livid at your involvement.

Dippypippy1980 · 07/04/2019 19:12

As others have said you need to tread carefully.

Does your oh’s daughter live with you full time, is her mother in the picture? From reading this, her uncle has agreed to buy her the phone and as far as she is aware the only person objecting is her dad’s wife? Girlfriend?

Do you have a parental role here, do you have the authority to speak for a parent, or as a parent?

I say this because my ex’s girlfriend started laying down the law for my daughter. They broke up shortly afterwards, and she overstepped massively. If one of daughters uncles had wanted to buy my daughter a present and her dads then girlfriend had said no, she would have been ignored by all.

Leave this to her dad to sort out, if he really doesn’t want her to have the phone he needs to address it. Don’t let him paint you as the wicked step mum, and don’t fight his battles.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 07/04/2019 19:13

Step parents just can't win, can they?

Original poster
amelee · 07/04/2019 19:13

Yes I actually agree with that and didn’t think of it that way, we don’t what to continue this with her uncle though, he has financial problems - borrows money off of us for food etc but then buys big gifts when he does have money, this is his decision, but we don’t want to worsen this by making her think it’s ok to keep asking for expensive things all the time.. any advice?

OP posts:
Maybe83 · 07/04/2019 19:13

It really wasn't your place to say anything to her.

It's her uncle through her dad if he feels that strongly he needs to deal with it. By not he is also setting you up to be blame guy which ist fair.

I'm a stepmam and I wouldn't get involved in something like this between dh his brother and son.

Your partner has two choices as I see it. Let's her have the phone and keeps the current phone with understanding of anything happens to the new phone shes straight back to the old one no arguments.

Or he deals with it himself and tells her and his brother no she isnt having it.

Onceuponacheesecake · 07/04/2019 19:14

It's not down to you to decide what gifts people can and can't get her. At all. Leave it to your OH but I don't even think you should be offering your opinion on this unless your OH asks for it. Never mind taking it upon yourself to tell her she won't be having it Shock

Original poster
amelee · 07/04/2019 19:16

She lives with us and we have been together a long time and have another child.

OP posts:
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