Family members buying gifts when I’ve said no...

[amelee]

Long story short - My OHs daughter is 12 and at Xmas my OHs brother asked to buy her the new iPhone. OH said no because he was giving her his iPhone 5 and the Xmas before she has been brought another phone and had lost the charger and smashed it - plus her behaviour hasn’t been great. She’s just let slip that my OHs brother (her uncle) has told her he’s buying her the new iPhone next weekend, this led to me (not OH because he’s too soft) telling her that she will not be having a new phone, reasons being she doesn’t need it, wont look after it, hasn’t been well behaved, it’s waaay too much money etc - I also explained that we had already said no to her uncle at Xmas and so he shouldn’t have said that to her. There were tears and she was upset as apparently all of her friends have the latest phone. Very annoyed with her uncle, should we say something to him? Am I being unreasonable (also sometimes I don’t feel like it’s my place to say as I’m not her mum, but she has no sense of money and takes a lot for granted atm/is quite rude sometimes so I dont think we should reward her with a new phone??)

SHe is old enough to understand about money. Her dad should explain to her that his brother loves her very much, but can’t afford the presents she wants. Tell him he needs his money for food and rent, and buying the expensive gifts is bad for him.

It’s an important lesson in life - she needs to learn not to take advantage, but you must also recognise that this is a problem caused by the uncle not the child.

I don’t agree that she parents can’t win, but some do overstep and in my personal experience the lady had no respect for my role as the mother.

I don’t know the set up here, but it seems OP is in danger of being seen as the bad guy, which I think is very convenient for the girls father. I don’t know if she is the step mum or not, but this isn’t about the dads relationship with his brother and his daughter. OP needs to protect herself from taking the flack beciase her boyfriend is too scared to address the problem.

She lives with us and we have been together a long time and have another child.

But you dont class yourself as her mother. So living with you hasnt meant your are her mother figure?

Dps step mum made lots of decisions for him and his older brothers. They all ou ed with their dad and her. She was definitely their mum and she is my mil. She had that relationship with them.

You cant say 'I am not her mother' then jump and make decisions. If she lives with you then I would totally understand you having a say in these matters. As you are parenting her together. But together means together. Not one of you assuming the other is staying quiet because they are soft.

But if you dont class yourself as her parent, then it's his job to parent her.

I am not judging, just trying to explain how i see it.

Not really understanding your relationship with her, are you Step Mum?

This has nothing to do with you, it's between your DP and his brother. Stay out of it otherwise it will look like your being bad cop and your SD will resent you.

Yes step mum

She's at that age where she will start to resent you when you lay down the law. I understand your point, but this should be being dealt with by her dad. If he can't be bothered to do it, then it's on his own head.

You can explain to her, as a pp said, about uncle not being good with money, etc, she's old enough to understand that. I also think you should not be bailing OH's brother out, especially if he does buy her the phone, and then taps you up for money to pay his rent/buy food, as it means you're effectively paying for the phone.

You need to speak to your partner, don't let him allow you to be the wicked step mother.