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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand how my parents can live in a grotty house?

32 replies

holeyrug · 07/04/2019 16:26

My parents moved houses soon after I moved out. They bought a pretty big victorian cottage type thing. This was 20 years ago.

They have three showers. They are all broken. They have no carpet on the stairs or sitting room. A hole in the roof. Dishwasher broke ten years ago. Overgrown garden.

wtf!

These are two highly educated professionals. They go about their normal lives then return to the wreck.

They have no debts or mortgate but save for retirement and take multiple holidays a year

OP posts:
Notcontent · 07/04/2019 16:33

Some people just don’t notice these things or lose a sense of what is “normal”.

lilabet2 · 07/04/2019 16:37

I was going to say that perhaps they cannot afford to fix the hole in the roof and the dishwasher or fit carpet but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

You could maybe just talk to them about it and suggest replacing everything that is broken, especially the showers.

Rachie1973 · 07/04/2019 16:38

Perhaps they just don’t care? It’s fair enough, it’s their home.

SingleMumFighting · 07/04/2019 16:39

For some people this is indicative of untreated MH issues. With my relatives its partly due to anxiety (being attached to possessions) and being out of touch of reality and their inability to take care of themselves. They are high functioning so they do well in the work place.

Bringbackthestripes · 07/04/2019 16:57

It’s surprising what you get used to. It gets to the point that you don’t notice the state of the place anymore.

When you say the showers are broken, do they have baths or are you saying they don’t even keep themselves clean?

keepingbees · 07/04/2019 17:03

Some people just don't notice. Or some people just live for work and see home as a base to eat and sleep. I lived next door to a very nice highly professional doctor who let the house and garden get into such a state she was evicted.

Dottierichardson · 07/04/2019 17:05

They might just hate dealing with contractors, particularly for a range of small things. Not having carpets is quite normal though, a lot of people have painted/stained floorboards and rugs. We had an electric shower we left for a while as were having the bathroom replaced so no point having it removed, the wall dug out to disconnect/remove and retiling before that was done. We had a shower attached that ran off the water system so not actually needed. Some people don't use dishwashers if they only have small amounts of washing-up, so that's explainable. The garden may be that they're not bothered and rewilding gardens is actually very environmentally sound. The hole in the roof is the real problem as will eventually cause damp or other problems; so would talk to them about sorting that out.

Badwifey · 07/04/2019 17:08

My in laws are like this. The house is filthy. It's far enough away too that when we visit we have to stay not one but two nights Envy not envy. I've stopped going now. Me and Dh have rows about it too because he's used to it, I'm not and I don't like our DD going up there because of it.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 07/04/2019 17:09

We all have different ideas of what constitutes 'clean enough', 'tidy enough', 'functional enough' etc etc

Unless it is a biohazard or dangerous then I would just let them get on with it. Broken showers and uncarpeted stairs/rooms do not suggest MH problems!

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 07/04/2019 17:13

The hole in the roof I don't get. The showers if they have no bath I don't get, the dishwasher and garden are personal choice but the carpets I get to be honest.

I moved into a flat years ago now that I couldn't afford to carpet the bedroom (managed the living room and hall) before I moved in and once I was in the thought of having to clear the whole room to then lay a carpet was too much to deal with so instead I lived for 5 years until I moved out with no bedroom carpet!

OutOntheTilez · 07/04/2019 17:14

This was my parents up until recently.

It had always bothered my mom, though, and depressed her. Never seemed to bother my dad. Finally it got to the point where even he knew something had to be done. They are now rebuilding.

Your parents may have just gotten used to it, OP. When you’re living in the midst of something, you become used to what’s around you and don’t notice things as readily as someone who sees a situation from the outside.

Dana28 · 07/04/2019 17:15

They have different priorities to you. I find an inverse correlation between intelligence and house pride.

Hadalifeonce · 07/04/2019 17:16

My mum's house is awful, my sister and I organised a cleaner, but DM & DB, don't allow her to clean some rooms, DB stands over her when she is cleaning, it's probably a bit creepy having a grown man watching your every move. We despair!

Custardandnoodle · 07/04/2019 17:23

My in laws are like this. The bathroom is so grotty I feel dirtier after having a shower. The grout has gone on the tiles so instead of fixing it they've hung a curtain rod and shower curtain over them! Everything's covered in dust and cobwebs. The kitchen is falling apart, carpets threadbare etc. It's not a financial issue, they have no desire to fix anything, they just don't notice. The mind boggles!

clairemcnam · 07/04/2019 17:30

Some people get too anxious about dealing with work people. And the longer you leave it, the harder it gets to allow someone in to fix things. Saw this in action with a mum of an ex. And yes she had mental health problems but worked full-time in a decent job.

clairemcnam · 07/04/2019 17:31

Ginky Yes we need new carpets. We have put it off as the thought of having to move everything is not a good one.

Timewarpdancer · 07/04/2019 17:32

My mums house is disgusting. She has stuff absolutely everywhere, you can’t put a pin down. Have to clear stuff off of sofas just to sit down. She is a very heavy smoker and everything is stinking.
She says my house is soulless aka clean and tidy.

flirtygirl · 07/04/2019 17:34

Dana28what nonsense.

Many highly intelligent people and many of average and low intelligence take pride in their houses. As intelligence has nothing to do with it.

Alsohuman · 07/04/2019 17:43

If they have - and use - a bath, the only thing that would really concern me is the hole in the roof. My mum first had a dishwasher (integrated in an existing kitchen) when she was 80, she kept cleaning products in it because she didn’t want to get lazy!

BlueJava · 07/04/2019 17:49

Unless it's dangerous or clear they can't cope I think you just need to leave them be - although I know that's hard. My own parents have a massive house they struggle to clean and often complain about the size of the garden (very large). I have tried to help them by offering to organise help or a retirement flat close to use or bungalow... whatever. But they rebuff all offers of help and won't move. I have just respected their decisions but I eel their life could be so much easier.

Decormad38 · 07/04/2019 18:49

It’s their business surely. Don’t be so judgey!

formerbabe · 07/04/2019 18:59

It’s their business surely. Don’t be so judgey

I disagree. They may be managing now but as they get older and more frail, their living conditions will very much affect their lives and safety and this will more than likely end up being a problem for the op to solve.

EvaHarknessRose · 07/04/2019 19:03

Was your childhood home similar? I know someone like this. I think it is probably a neuro issue, limited executive function maybe.

Onceuponacheesecake · 07/04/2019 19:10

My mum's house is like this. Definitely no mental health issues. When I lived there my room was the nicest by far. Starting in my mid teens, whenever my mum was away I'd choose a room to blitz through and throw loads of stuff out (newspapers/magazines and random bits of tat) She could never figure out what I'd actually chucked. I was too embarrassed to have friends over.

Its worse since I moved out (mould in the bathroom, pet hair, messy garden etc). It smells weird. Her and her partner are retired, not elderly at all but my mum hates cleaning. With a passion.

My house is almost always tidy and pretty clean.

EmrysAtticus · 07/04/2019 20:00

My parents house is similar. They have a massive house for two of them and the rooms are all full of junk. They have lived there almost 20 years and it's still a state. Means we don't like staying there and I dread to think how much work will be involved when they die. I imagine I will just have to employ someone to just empty the entire house and accept that some stuff I might have wanted to keep will be lost amongst the crap.

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