To ask how my 3 year old is?

[PJFaks]

Just want to know if I’m being OTT and need to get a grip here or if I’m the norm? I have a 3 year old DS. I work full time and he goes to nursery full time but until recently my MIL also had him 2 days a week. My MIL is very full on and often gives me constant updates of every tiny detail including bowl movements and lots of updates on when he has touched his ear etc “could be an infection” (she is a bit of a hypochondriac- another thread!) and the nursery often post photos of the children on a closed Facebook group of what they are up to most days. So although my MIL’s updates are a bit too detailed I am used to and happy with getting updates about DS when I’m not with him.
My own DM has DS overnight maybe once every 2 months whenever DP and I have a night to ourselves. If I text her once throughout the night to casually ask how he is she usually replies quite shortly with something like “hes fine!! Enjoy your night and stop your worrying!! He’s very well looked after here”. I know she means well completely and I know he is being well looked after. But I now feel I can’t casually ask how he is and that she could be taking me asking as a dog at her- which it is absolutely not. I also feel it is possible to still ‘enjoy my night’ and ask once how he is? Especially if he has been under the weather slightly which he has been the last few days? My DM and MIL are polar opposites and one extreme to the other.
Am I just too used to getting updated on my kid? Am I being reasonable to ask how my 3 year old is or do I need to get a grip and not ask at all?! I don’t want constant updates just 1 would be fine.

Can’t win with some MNetters. If I work full time and ‘outsource his life’ and have the occasional night out I’m not invested in him personally and I don’t know him and don’t parent properly. But if I casually send a text along the lines of “hope DS being a good boy and has perked up a bit since earlier (he seemed a bit whingey right before she picked him up)- he’s honestly been fine all day. See you tomorrow” (almost identical to what I sent and typical of what I might send at any time he stops overnight) then I’m way OTT and am struggling to adjust to him growing?! As a PP said sometimes it’s exactly as I say and there’s no need to be making assumptions and reading between the lines based on some paragraphs online.

As it turns out, my DM and DF actually took DS to A&E last night as he was vomiting, had a temp and seemed floppy. He was diagnosed with tonsillitis and perked up after some ibuprofen. I knew absolutely nothing of this as she didn’t tell me until I picked him up. She didn’t want to ruin our night and said they could manage. She said if it was anything more serious she would have told me and come to pick us up herself (as we had been out watching a comedian which wed had tickets for since Xmas, and she knew we’d have had a drink). I was upset at first that she didn’t tell me and felt helpless. But I do understand her logic and am just glad they took him. He seems much better now although I’m keeping an eye on him. I had an inkling there was something not right when she took him and I suppose now that’s why this niggled with me in particular last night. DS is the type of child who braves everything so none of the signs were there before last night.

Wow, although I wouldn't expect much more of a reply than 'all is fine enjoy your night,' I would be absolutely fuming had anyone taken my dc to a&e and not told me! I don't think I'd ask them DM or not to babysit again in that case.
We use the nursery nurses from dds nursery to babysit occasionally, may be an idea.
Hope your ds is feeling better soon x

Ofgs that's ridiculous that your DM didn't tell you earlier, he was in A&E and she didn't call you??!! So people can't keep saying she's call you if there was a problem as clearly she didn't . Even if she dealt with it, she was not his parent who ought be told even if you couldn't drive to be there with him.
Well that has to shut up the other PPs.

I would be upset if I was you OP. That's outrageous. To not call you at the time. And it'd massively affect my trust in your DM.

We are now way beyond "miss him and like to hear a snippet " and into what the actual fuck are you doing if you don't call us when he is unwell enough to go to A&E??!!!

Your DM sounds a bit of a control freak.

@PJFaks

Well that was a major drip feed - obviously you should be told if your DC is in hospital but the rest you're just being fussy. Having so much childcare is a massive luxury - you don't need it and most people make do without it. If your mum is not communicative enough for you just don't leave DS there overnight.

I was fuming when she first told me I could feel my blood boiling and I have told her I’m very annoyed she didn’t tell me and that was our choice to make and I should’ve known that. But now that I’ve processed it I do at the very least understand her logic and that she meant well. We live around 30 miles away from DM and she was thinking they were taking him ‘to be safe’ and when it turned out not to be anything too serious she thought there was no point worrying me and getting us racing over there in a taxi (which I absolutely would have done!). It’s definitely pissed me off though and it has made me wonder if she’d do the same again. Hopefully though I’ve made my feelings clear and she has apologised several times to me now and I’ve told her I understand where she was coming from.

I haven’t massively drip fed at all . I didn’t know the A&E thing until today, clearly. And I don’t need the childcare? My MIL looked after DS 2 days a week for 2 years whilst we worked as we would have massively struggled paying for 4 days of childcare. MIL doesn’t look after him at all anymore. The only other childcare I have is nursery, which again I absolutely do need as I work. Staying over at a grandparents house every now and again is an added bonus, but also, as my DM and DF don’t see DS all too often, is something they enjoy and look forward too and is not technically ‘childcare’.

I wish I didn’t have to reiterate repeatedly how grateful I am to have a supportive family. Of course I am, I could go on to explain further as to why but I’d probably be accused of drip feeding and it’s not necessary. Also why do people keep making mad assumptions about me and my life based on this thread?!

Well if you're going on a night out it's not desperately needed childcare it's a luxury. Definitely an appreciated one I'm sure. All free childcare comes with difficulties - you just have to decide whether it's worth it. If not don't use the childcare!

Not sure why you are getting such a hard time about the childcare. I'm a single parent so rarely get any time for myself but even I can see that grandparents babysitting once every 2-3 months is not excessive. It's, what, 4-6 times a year??

I can only assume people have misread about MIL's childcare and think that was for leisure time when it was actually for work.

My MIL gives me blow by blow and my DM would just say “all fine here”.

I totally understand though, it’s odd when you get MIL and nursery updates normally and then get very little.

I would say just accept the “its all fine here” reply and enjoy the night after that 😊

@PJFaks

It's ok, glad Ds is ok. Ignore the nitpickers who haven't rtft or haven't been able to read clearly and made extra false assumptions.

There quite a few if us that understood your OP and didn't read things not there.

The irony, your complaining about your MIL giving you too much info and updates on your DS, now I can see why she does!
Your also complaining because your DM does not update you enough!

If leaving your DS concerns you so much on a rare night out, I suggest you stay in, instead!

Be bloody grateful you have 2 loving GP who help you out as much as they do.

Of course if we are on a rare night out it’s a luxury. If we didn’t have that luxury then we wouldn’t go out. Last night was a Xmas present and was tickets for a comedian. I think I asked my Mum to have DS before Xmas actually.

Thanks to the posters who has rtft and get what I meant! I don’t think a night off for ‘luxury’ time every couple of months is excessive either. And saying ‘most’ don’t have that luxury of GP’s to mind DC every now and again isn’t true in my experience. Most parents I know can rely on their own DP’a every now and again and their DP’s are more than happy to spend time with they GC.
I mentioned MIL and the style of her updates as to give context, and to suggest that perhaps I have been spoilt with them! I wasn’t angry at MIL or my DM. I just wanted to know if I was U to ask at all as my DM seems to suggest I am ‘worrying’ when I am just casually checking in once on DS. Given what happened last night I’d say my mother’s intuition is pretty spot on! That’s not to say I don’t trust my DM- I very much do and am just sending one text to touch base with my young child.
Not appeasing anyone else who tell me to be grateful again. Not one single thing I have said suggests I’m not grateful. I very very much am. In fact I just seem to be justifying things to people who have got the wrong end of the stick now. Thanks so much for all of the helpful and genuine responses.

I think you are underreacting to the A&E visit and lack of communication at the time.

Does your mum have authorisation to agree to any procedures a doctor might want to perform?

She overstepped her authority there.

It is actually very controlling of her to make decisions and keep you in the dark. You are not a child any more but she wants you to accept that 'mother knows best' - even about your own child and even in a health emergency.

I don't think she is really acknowledging that you are the mother of your DS here, and your DP is the father, both of you with full parental responsibility, and she is not in that category.

I think you have the glimmering of an idea that there are blurred boundaries here (you do feel anger) but you maybe have a habit of accepting her decisions and her controlling nature is familiar, so you have decided you see the logic in what she chose to do. Has she ever come across to you as a bit domineering?

Ultimately you need to start recognising her attitude as a problem and you need to try to assert yourself a bit more, or face the possibility of more encroachments on your role by her, and more dismissal of your maternal feelings, and more sidelining as happened last night.

I know it must seem I’m undereacting. Honestly when she told me I was livid and very upset. BUT I do understand where she was coming from. She dealt with it very wrong. Of course she should have told me. I’m his mother and my child was sick enough to warrant A&E and regardless of what we were doing she absolutely should have told me. She definitely crossed a line.
However, this isn’t something that happens often or something I can relate to anything else. My DM looks after my DB’s 2 children ages 3&6 every single weekend, and once through the week also. My DB only sees his DC of a weekend and their DM has other children and she would never check up on them and to be honest takes the piss out of my DM expecting her to have them every weekend. In terms of my DS my parents have never had the responsibility of any sort of decision like that with him. They have him over night for one night every few months. This weekend my DM told my DB’s ex that she wasn’t having their DC as she wanted to spend some quality time with my DS on his own. She said she acted impulsively and took him to A&E to be safe. She didn’t want to worry me as he perked up after some ibuprofen and was playing with the toys in the waiting room. He woke this morning his usual chatty self and had a lovely day with them. She has now sent me about 20 photos of their weekend.
I’ve told her she absolutely should have told me and she has apologised and admitted she was out of line but she did what she thought was best at the time and didn’t want to ruin our night. I’m not arsed about our night I should have known. But ultimately I’m glad they acted in the interests of the welfare of DS immediately and I know she meant well. Doesn’t mean I’m not fuming I am. But DS was well looked after and that’s the most important thing. I wouldn’t say she’s ever done anything to be controlling with my DS, but tbf, has never had the opportunity to do so. To my surprise my DP has told me he understands why they didn’t tell us and told me to ‘let it go’.
My OP was asking if it was ME being U by asking how he is as I wondered if I’d gotten so used to MIL’s in-depth updates that I no longer knew the norm. It wasn’t a criticism of anyone else. I’ve decided I’m not being U by checking in once. Although, as understand as I’m finding it in myself to be atm, if my DM ever keeps anything like that from me again there will be a fall out I think.

I don't think the problem is even that she won't volunteer information, it's that she chides you when you ask, as if she can't understand that you have an interest, being his mother and all. She doesn't think you would want to be bothered - and that is very strange. It's as if she can't put herself in your shoes, or put herself out even the little bit it would take to send a text or reply with actual information to a text of yours. To just refuse such a small thing that would mean a lot to you - why?

I do think you need to spell out to her that any medical emergency as she sees it requires immediate contact. This is what any decent nanny would do, even if it was the nanny herself who decided to give ibuprofen at home. Your mum is not a nanny but the child is yours and she needs to completely respect that.

Op at 1.34am - aibu to want minute detailed updates from my mum about my 3 year old when she looks after him one night a month?

Mn- yes, pretty much

Op at 8.31pm - well actually she took him to A&E without ever telling me. For real.

One request to check alls well is plenty. My family often just check in to see if alls well

stuck where did I say at all that I wanted minute detailed updates from my DM? I asked if I was being U to ask once how he was? Have you actually read the post?

And yep your point is? That I made up she took my DS to A&E and then defended her when people called her controlling on a post on MN? Okay sure.

Taking your child to A&E without telling you is madness. I was one who posted here saying no need for updates but that's crazy stuff. I wouldn't leave him again. That is extremely irresponsible and to be honest l couldn't trust her again.
Wanting to know if he is happy playing with granny is completely different to not being told he is extremely I'll. Totally no!!