To ask how my 3 year old is?

[PJFaks]

Just want to know if I’m being OTT and need to get a grip here or if I’m the norm? I have a 3 year old DS. I work full time and he goes to nursery full time but until recently my MIL also had him 2 days a week. My MIL is very full on and often gives me constant updates of every tiny detail including bowl movements and lots of updates on when he has touched his ear etc “could be an infection” (she is a bit of a hypochondriac- another thread!) and the nursery often post photos of the children on a closed Facebook group of what they are up to most days. So although my MIL’s updates are a bit too detailed I am used to and happy with getting updates about DS when I’m not with him.
My own DM has DS overnight maybe once every 2 months whenever DP and I have a night to ourselves. If I text her once throughout the night to casually ask how he is she usually replies quite shortly with something like “hes fine!! Enjoy your night and stop your worrying!! He’s very well looked after here”. I know she means well completely and I know he is being well looked after. But I now feel I can’t casually ask how he is and that she could be taking me asking as a dog at her- which it is absolutely not. I also feel it is possible to still ‘enjoy my night’ and ask once how he is? Especially if he has been under the weather slightly which he has been the last few days? My DM and MIL are polar opposites and one extreme to the other.
Am I just too used to getting updated on my kid? Am I being reasonable to ask how my 3 year old is or do I need to get a grip and not ask at all?! I don’t want constant updates just 1 would be fine.

How is that helpful, redsky?

OP works FT and goes out with her partner every couple of months. How is that "outsourcing his life" or "never seeing" her son?

If you want to start a separate thread moaning about working mothers, please do so. And let us all know, so we can get the popcorn set up in advance.

OP, I'd just have a word with your mum, not by text, before the next occasion she babysits and you explain that you might just send one text during the evening for your own peace of mind, and you are not questionning her abilities in so doing. And agreed that MIL's updates are definitely too much and distracting while you are at work.

Your mum is clearly looking after him fine. I don't know how updates throughout the night will make it better. As pp said it may be time to think about how much contact you need before school as it changes dramatically then.

I think your mother might view your enquiry as a lack of trust. I do think the difference between family and paid childcare is that you implicitly trust them, including that they will let you know if there is a problem.

I do think that, if you trust her, you should leave her to it. If not, there are bigger issues.

Getting a picture of them playing play dough is meaningless and not proper parenting

Ouch.

Agree, your questions to your DM are too vague.

For your MIL, ask her to fill out a blow by blow account of DS's days in a little notebook. Many au pairs and nannies do this, especially recording ounces of milk consumed, full nappies (obv wrt babies).

She could note food eaten, pooping, any potty accidents, anything unusual like lots of sneezing, skinned knee, anything funny he said, timing of a nap if any, and timing and dosage of any medication given, if any.

This might put a stop to the texts. You wouldn't have to read any of it, though it might be nice to read of something funny.

redsky it seems you’ve made a completely unfair and incorrect assumption about me. How is me asking once how my DS on a rare time I go out with my DP is mean that I am not ‘properly parenting’ him? As for an Instagram post?! Not following sorry! I spend every minute I’m not working with my DS, and I chose a career that I could be flexible with to purposely suit his needs and be able to pick him up from nursery/school
every day and be physically there for him as much as is possible etc. Not that I should really have to explain this or justify myself. As a PP said maybe you have an issue with working mothers? As I don’t think one night out with my DP every few months is at all excessive or mean I’m not arsed about my DS or don’t truly know him?? The rest of the time he is ‘outsourced’ is because I am out
providing for him and also because most 3yo’s go to nursery? But IMO whether you’re a SAHM or a working Mum, were all just doing the best for our kids in our own individual circumstances and you’ll never find any judgement for either from me here. So yer, you definitely aren’t just being harsh, but you’re also talking absolute rubbish imo.

I do take on board completely though that I’m not specific enough. I don’t want a play by play as per MIL, I just don’t want to feel like I’m not allowed to ask. But I do completely appreciate that he’s fine and I know he’s being looked after and I would never want my DM to think I don’t trust her. I suppose I just miss him and a little text after bed to let me know he’s gone down okay etc would put my mind at rest. I do need to get used to a lack of info though as I have said and a PO has said I know school won’t be like that.

Sounds like you have a lot of childcare help I'm jealous! I really wouldn't worry snout it either way with the updates. Of course your dm would let you know if there was something you needed to know.

redsky wow what a nasty post!

Surely if it's a night out, your child is asleep so what would the update be anyway?! I think you'd be told if there was something wrong so there's no reason to worry. Ask a specific question if you want a specific answer.

I think you've hit the nail on head OP. You miss him, when you are out. So a little snapshot for a brief second is lovely. Maybe it is an Instagram moment, mental or real image, but hey if it keeps OP happy , so what? It's not unusual to miss your child and feel comforted by a photo on your desk, phone or brief text.

I'd prefer to hear, "yes they're great, just been drawing and down the park, enjoy your meal" or "Littlebed is tired & snotty so we're snuggled under blanket watching Barbie" than "fine, don't worry". It doesn't mean I don't trust my parents (if they are visiting to look after youngest DC) but that, every now and then, when I've stopped between cases, I often think of my DCs and it's so nice to imagine what the youngest is doing. I'm a working single mother, doing slightly shorter hours to see DC more, who rarely goes out unless with or for my DC.

I never get updates from childminder until pick up but she will say 'oh if weather is good, we're doing this today' at drop off, which I equally like. It makes me happy at work to know they are having fun, to slightly picture it or get excited for them, and it easier to share stories on drive home.

My MIL is the same when she very rarely babysits our toddler. She always makes a point of saying how we should 'go enjoy your night, I won't be in touch' and we always say well actually we'll relax better if we do get the occasional photo or update, but she won't do it unless we message her and specifically ask. We are very grateful when she looks after dd and they both love it.

So I think just tell your mum that you WANT an update or two just so you can relax. Tell her it's nothing to do with not trusting her but more about you being able to relax.

I'm in my late 50s so presuming your dm is the same. We grew up with no mobiles and raised our kids with no mobiles so we are not into the regular messaging. It's not being mean or taking insult we just don't think of it. Your dm is a sensible woman who will let you know if anythings wrong. It's just her personality and one would deal better with than your mils constant updating. Just accept both as its brilliant to get a night out.

If you trust your DM to look after him then I think you should leave off the text, knowing she will contact you if anything is amiss. You have a rare evening off with DH so just enjoy and concentrate on each other knowing DM has a rare evening of DGS to herself and they are enjoying themselvs as well.

You haven't said how old your DM is but could this be a generational thing? I'm not that old but my children were young before constant communication and photos every 2 seconds were a thing.

If I was babysitting I wouldn't be sending updates either and until now it wouldn't have occurred to me that this would be a problem.

Err. No news is good news.

If you are having a break why would you need updates.

Very jealous of having a child free night and particularly regularly. Most people don’t have that at all

Think this is definitely a case of realising how fortunate you are

Actually if this is causing you enough concern to post on the internet maybe he shouldn’t stay over so frequently and yes every couple of months is frequently particularly when you work full time

offtobed thank you. That’s exactly it. It’s not that I’m panickng or flapping over him, of course I KNOW he is fine. It’s just nice to have one little update and know that he’s having fun. And I think this is what I’m going to say to my DM, I’m not worrying, I’m just casually asking and there’s definitely no criticism here. Last night I wasn’t as specific with my asking but in the past I have been and still get the blanket ‘he’s fine stop worrying!!” coming to think of it.
My DM is mid 50s. But tbh she is very active on social media and is the kind of person who checks into places she goes and is always the first to like a post etc. So it’s not unusual for her to be near her phone etc.

I have been very very lucky with MIL having DS 2 days a week for me for the past 2 years. I am eternally grateful to her. This was to save money on childcare and I worked part time, he did go to nursery 2 days a week until a few weeks ago when his 30 hours came in and now I want to give MIL a break so that’s why he goes full time but I unfortunately need to work FT to accommodate the cost, it’s catch 22 but such is life.
SEsofty I personally thought it was normal to wonder what you’re child is up to when you’re not with them, whether you’re having a break or not? You don’t stop caring for your child just because you’re having a rare night/day off? And nope, this is definitely not a case of realising how lucky I am at all- I was already very aware of that. I don’t think staying over at his grandparents house every few months is excessive, and I don’t see what me working full time has to do with it?! This post was not about me being ungrateful. It’s not causing me major concern, I was after an outside opinion as to whether it was the norm to ask how your child is or not, so MN was a good place to start!

@PJFaks

I think because your DM said 'dont worry he's fine, relax and enjoy your night out " in your OP it's become reframed as that being your reason for asking and you haven't noticed. That's why PPs are posting about you not needing to be anxious. They didn't notice that nowhere in OP did you say you were anxious or worried.

So just reframe it back. "I'm not worried Mum, I know he's in good hands. I just miss him when he's not with us and love to hear a little snippet of what he's doing at that time or just done . Love you and thanks xxx"

I’d be grateful I had what seems to be a very supportive child care network in place and not get myself worked up about this. By checking on your dc you are suggesting that you don’t trust your dm to let you know if there is something wrong. It’s such a minor issue and whilst you might not be happy you need to either accept this is how your mother is or ask your mil to do the evening babysitting duties too, which would be a shame.

I agree with pp. It would never have occurred to me that I should be updating my dd/dil when I was minding my dgc before reading this thread. I'm focused on the children, not wondering how their mother is getting on. I'd feel I was intruding on her time off. And my response would have been the same as Op's dm if I'd had a similar text.

Op, saying that you're not anxious, just wanting to know what ds is doing, is disingenuous. Your ds is 3, not a small baby. You sound as if you're struggling to adapt to him growing up and growing away from you. Your dm is doing the right thing. She's easing the transition from one life stage to another. And surely it's better that you're focusing on your dp at this time, being a couple, not just parents.

I disagree with last two PPs and whilst they may mean well, it's coming across a bit patronising to suggest she's being disingenous. My parents and my DSis used to reply to my 'hi how's it all going?' texts with 'hey back, all are very happy we've just been out to park' or 'all sound asleep 😴😁' (once I'd explained if I needed to, but they are close and would feel same).... If they'd sent me back 'stop worrying, they're fine' defensive texts I'd be a bit and become less keen for them to babysit when I had others more sensitive.

It's lovely OP has so many sources of support and clear she isn't asking for a 'play by play'! A 3 y.o. is still young. She may feel different as DS gets older/goes to school or not, but it's not for MNers to tell her how she feels or claim to know her "deep real reasons" ala amateur psychology , that are somehow 'nefarious' /indicative of a mistrust!!!

Sometimes things just are what an OP says they are!

I am in my mid 50s now, grew up without phones, etc.

When I was younger I was a nanny for a while, to the baby and toddler of a woman who was younger than me. I sent little updates because she was used to mobile phones for her entire adult life and the relationship she had with her children and the feeling of connectedness to them as she went about her working day was incredibly important to her.

Plus the entire business wasn't about me or what I was used to or comfortable with. Your DM isn't an employee, true, but this thing isn't about her or her feelings or her priorities or what she is comfortable doing or used to. She is effectively chiding you about an element of motherhood that is important to you. Someone who is taking care of your child really can't fold their arms and decide not to do something that is important to the mother. It's akin to deciding to feed a child a vegan diet because you think it's better.

Your DM should be able to see it's not a trust thing, that it's you missing your DC and needing the feeling of being connected to him.

It's one night every couple of months, and your DC is 3, not 3 months, so I think it's a way a bit ott. At school nursery or school you won't get updates beyond parent teacher consultations or what they tell you - so presuming your child is verbal, it's a good opportunity to get in the habit of chatting about your day when you're not together.

If you must hear more then agree about asking more specific questions.

Your mum bought up kids (you) so I'm pretty sure she's fine! Chill!