To stop pocket money for chores when teen has a job

[PookieDo]

I started paying my teens £5 a week to do chores partly to help me but also to give them some freedom and money management
DD2 has to be nagged about choess

I would like them to learn to cook they have no interest in this at all.

I am not treating them as adults I have given them a couple of jobs to do in their own home
Also none of this ends up just taking ‘5 minutes’
if washing up takes 20 mins with 10 mins sorting out bins/mess and cleaning kitchen sides, washing clothes takes 20 mins and cooking takes 30 mins that is already 1 hour 20 mins!

They are kids. Why should they cook for you? You’re the parent.
Plus. If you don’t have time then cut back. Why clean the sides if no one is there all day? Do you need to wash every day? I don’t and there’s more of us.
Kids have to keep themselves clean and ensure I can get into their rooms to collect washing. They bring plates from dining room to kitchen after meals. Anything else is me.
They have school and HW and revision and hobbies and eldest has a couple of little jobs. Plus being a teen is stressful and exhausting.
They don’t need to hoover the whole house.

I would like them to learn to cook they have no interest in this at all.

Your house, your rules surely? As a teenager I had to stay with my mum in the kitchen a few times a week while she cooked and cleaned up in the kitchen. We became really close during this period as we would just chatter away. It helped that my mum was patient with me despite my not knowing anything, or doing things badly (i.e burning things etc). The most important thing was that I was there in the kitchen with her, and I learnt a lot that way. But I didn't have a choice in the matter.

Wolfie, when will these children who are not expected to do anything learn how to do stuff. One day they will leave home and have no idea how to do simple household tasks, surely one of your jobs as a parent is to prepare them for adult life and teach them the skills they'll need later on.

@Wolfiefan you think 14 and 16 year olds are only capable of showering and carrying plates? I feel most sorry for your children's future partners. They'll expect their partner to do everything for them as you have done.

Why should the dd's not contribute 15 minutes of their time to vacuum properly, or dust properly?

She's not asking for 15 mins. She's asking for Hoovering, dusting, litter tray changing, bin emptying and washing up, on top of tidying and cleaning their own rooms, changing their own bedding and doing their own laundry. Pretty much all the housework. While she apparently spends 2 hours cooking dinner.

I agree 15 mins would be fine. Perhaps they could take it in turns to wash and dry after dinner? That would be 15 mins, and perfectly fine, on top of keeping their rooms tidy etc.

My lads had to learn how to cook, iron, clean and tidy, it was completely selfish of me. I was already thinking of access to future gc and it paid off. So far dil's are appreciative of what they have.
Ds1 is a brilliant father and partner and I'm so happy and proud of him.
I'd have hated to have raised useless mummies boys.

My eldest is nearly 16. He has revision and school and hobbies and two jobs and he’s growing too.
He isn’t cooking for us and hoovering and cleaning out the litter tray. I don’t pay him for chores.
The OP is confusing two issues.
One is they feel taken for granted and like they have to do all the jobs. So change that. My kids don’t expect anything. They are polite and say thanks for meals cooked etc. They stack dishwasher and take responsibility for their own rooms.
The other is the money.
You can’t bag your kids to death and pay them for doing jobs poorly then decide you don’t want to pay anymore because they’re earning out of the home. (More reason for them not to do jobs for you.)
My kids go to school and do HW and keep their rooms sorted and sort own laundry. Don’t take plates and cups to their rooms. But I don’t pay them to hoover. Not their job.

MrsM, they could spend 15 minutes a day doing those jobs. Day 1 - vacuum. Day 2 change their bedding, day 3 do their laundry, day 4 empty the bins. Etc.

Mine is out of the house by 7:15 am on a school day. Full day at school. Possibly an after school revision session. Then HW and hobby time. Bed before 10pm after winding down.
I’m not setting a list of chores too.
Oh and at the weekend? Volunteering and paid job and revision etc etc.
I shall continue to make his bed whilst I have time. (And if his room is kept tidy enough so I can do it in 2 mins!!)

I give my teens £50 a month allowance Eldest has just got a Saturday job I will continue her allowance as otherwise it's like punishing her for getting a job

Washing up daily/ other one drying us about 15 mins daily. Perhaps op could do Hoovering/dusting/bin emptying/litter tray changing/ wiping kitchen sides/mop floors (plus one day of rest!) while they wash up. Each person responsible for their own room, bedding and washing. Op, as the adult, also shops, cooks and cleans the bathroom.

Good god. My mum got a full time job when I was 14, sister 15. Without asking we took on household chores - I'd wash and prep dinner, sister would vacuum and tidy. We'd been cooking one meal a week since I was 9, dishes nightly since I was 7.

Your daughters are part of your household. They are old enough to pull their weight. It's rubbish that they can't help prepare dinner between when they get home from dinner and you get home. How hard is it to put on a load of laundry?

I'd be majorly upping the ante of jobs to be done for payment.

Not the point of the thread I know but what job does your dd do?
My 15 year old is desperate to get herself a little job once she is 16.

You should give them one plate, one, bowl, one mug and one glass. This is what my mom did with me and my brother and then she packed the rest away because we would just hoard everything in our rooms until nothing was left!

I don't agree with others saying that you're expecting too much and the children should never cook for you.

They absolutely should be pitching in with household chores and I think they're well old enough to be splitting everything 3 ways with their mum. Everyone keeps saying that it doesn't take that long to do the chores and OP is moaning about only a few minutes here and there so why shouldn't the kids be helping with that?

OP, just keep giving them the fiver a week if it gets the chores done. It's not like it's a lot of money and you don't want to end up in a situation where the kids think it's ok to not contribute to housework. Just imagine what sort of adults they would turn out to be. We all had one of those housemates/partners who came from a house where mummy and daddy did everything for them. They were always a nightmare and no one liked living with them.

I have majorly messed up by paying them for basic jobs! I wanted them to feel a work ethic but this has backfired on me as they don’t feel that they should contribute to their own household unless paid - they are like mini Tories

Make them sit down with you while you write down how many hours YOU work, how many hours YOU spend on chores, how much money YOU have to spend every month just to keep the household going & the 3 of you fed.
Then a separate list showing how much money you spend on THEIR entertainment, toiletries, extras.
At 14 & 16 it's high time they started to understand how the real world works, & how much of it you are shouldering on their behalf.
Once they see that the vast proportion of the work & chores is shouldered by you, you can remind 16 year old that YOU, the breadwinner, doesn't get paid for chores & now that she is earning, neither does she.

I'm not one for giving kids loads of chores, my kids do a few bits but will also do anything that I ask them to. Some weeks they might only change their beds and keep their room tidy but if there's lots going on, they will do more. They are respectful and don't moan, they know they have a good life. If they were moaning at helping to do anything I would be much tougher on them.

How would your daughters respond to you having a serious sit down chat explaining how your work is now meaning you are home later, that you are struggling a little to fit everything in and that it needs to be a bit of a team effort. Tell them you are not doing it to make their lives miserable, you just need a bit of help so that your whole life isn't work and then cleaning/tidying. I know both my kids wouldn't want me feeling my life was like that.

If you can afford the money for chores I would pay it, if they are done properly from now on.

Those saying you shouldn't have paid for chores in the first place, it's a way of your child having some money for a 'job' before they can actually get a real job so I don't think it's a mistake at all. It's the lack of respect that is the issue and that needs dealing with. They are old enough to see and want you to have time to relax each evening.

I would like them to learn to cook as a life skill I did not add onto the end ‘to cook for me’

They are not doing the entire housework with me spending 2 hours cooking. RTFT. They are not doing these jobs at all, have to be asked then complain about being asked but also complain about getting money

The only daily job they have is one checks and changes the litter tray and cleans cat bowls the other does the washing up. The bins, dusting and hoovering would be on the weekend. I get home at 6pm when they have been home 2 hours and these jobs haven’t happened so either I get in and start nagging immediately or I do them myself - both make me feel taken for granted.

In reality I am getting home having to wash up most of what was used last night before I can start making food, clear the worktops, take out rubbish, sort dirty laundry, put into machine, fold up dry laundry, hang out new wet laundry.

There isn’t a lot of dusting and hoovering to be done during the week but by the weekend I am the only one doing the hoovering, dusting and cleaning bathroom and they are not maintaining their bedrooms nicely either. I can’t stop them taking things in their room as this also ends up in a row or when I am not looking but good idea to take away the plates and cups so there is only 1 each and I Will do this today!

If I sit them down for a chat it may end the same way as always so I was looking for some advice on what to say as my way isn’t working. I will pay if done properly with no moaning but this doesn’t work either so I see no option but to stop paying!

DD got a job WASHING UP 🤦🏻‍♀️😂 through a friend of a friend they are also very flexible re her exams

If they were revising I would feel more supportive but they are messing about in their rooms usually not revising at all.

I have lived with these children when they turned 18 and went to uni and Mummy had done everything for them. They couldn't cook, clean, use a laundrette, they were my first year house mates and I hated them. Nothing worse than wanting to cook and finding 4 day old plates piles high in stagnant water it the washing up bowl. I used to lift it out the sink, wash my stuff, put theirs back. Thank goodness I had my own pans and crockery.

I also have a 16 year old about to sit GCSEs who is already on Easter break and revising. He helped make pulled pork last night and the salsa that went with it.

@PookieDo I think what you are asking is completely reasonable. My two sons 16 and 13 help prepare meals, the 16 year old is off duty because of revision but can make about 3 different meals for the family because he has learnt. It is a nice time together.

Dinner is eaten around a dining table which they set together, we all clear away but they children stay in the kitchen until everything is in the dishwasher or handwashed because they understand the importance of learning how long things take.

They know that the 1st week of the month is me cleaning out the dishwasher trap, the tumble dryer filter (the big one) and cleaning the iron out (steam generator.)

They strip their beds, make them, their rooms are tidy, they each take responsibility for one bin each (recycling, kitchen) they are emptied twice a week on set days so you never have an overflowing bin and they do it as they leave the house for school. They also hoover their rooms once or twice a week.

I am a SAHM and I am teaching them to be fully functioning adults. Dh was raised by a SAHM who taught him everything too so I didn't marry a lazy arsehole when it comes to housework.

All the people commenting about how long things take have probably got a tidy house and it is easier to keep that clean and tidy but when it is chaos to begin with it is much more difficult.

I highly recommend The Organised Mum method. It's 15 minutes of daily, plus 30 mins of specific. Have a look here scroll down for the specifics.

Being a lone parent must be hard. Everyone should be helping out, not saying that's not mine.

If talking to them hasn't worked (and I'd still be interested to know their answer if you asked them if they think it's fair that you do everything), then you could go for the more radical approach of doing nothing.
So, come home from work at 6 o'clock, sit down, get your phone out, go on mumsnet and do nothing. Eventually they'll ask where their food is, shrug and say you can't start preparing it until the kitchen is clear. Then, if they do clear up at that point, make them a sandwich or something easy, as they'll be no time to cook properly.
Wait til they need you to drive them somewhere, and then start the vacuuming, so you are too busy to take them.
Every time you come across a job that they haven't done, or haven't done properly call them in straightaway to do it. You could even try switching the Wi-Fi off, or the electricity in their rooms if your fuse box allows it.

I think the taxi service should be paid for by chore tokens.

You can’t stop them taking food etc to their rooms as it causes a row? Yes you bloody can. It’s your home.
Get all the washing up done after a meal. Then you won’t be washing up before cooking each night.
Why on earth are you sorting washing etc each day?
Sounds like you’re making this much harder than it needs to be.
Not doing the jobs? Don’t pay them.