To stop pocket money for chores when teen has a job

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I started paying my teens £5 a week to do chores partly to help me but also to give them some freedom and money management
DD2 has to be nagged about choess

I’m struggling with them seeing this is an issue it’s really upsetting. I have recently been forced to change jobs where I am no longer home at 4.30pm and they know this. I have a longer commute (relocation) and I am really struggling

But every time I ask for help they bring up the money or ‘it’s not my mess’. The cat is DD2’s but I am the one who does the donkey work with the cat. I have with held the money back for a few weeks now and not given them any and led to tension rising and a very fraught evening of clearing up with everyone bickering about whose job is whose. DD2 has no cares for money whatsoever

I willingly want to spend time with them but they are teenagers and don’t generally want to spend any time with me anyway!

Hang on, if they sort their own rooms, change their own beds, do their own washing (and presumably ironing), and on top you expect them to do the washing up, the hoovering, the litter tray, the dusting and emptying the bins, then what are you doing? The cooking (doesn't take 2 hours, and is generally the most "fun"job), the shopping, the bathroom and looking after your own personal washing etc . You're expecting them to do the bulk of the housework!

I think chores are good, but I wouldn't expect school children to be doing the main running if the house. Their own room tidying/cleaning, washing and bedding changes, plus generally being agreeable and respectful is all I would expect of teens who are going to school, working and revising. And I'd continue to give an allowance (not linked to chores) until they left school.

A child can’t be fully responsible for a pet. That’s not fair.
It’s not their fault that your hours have changed.
My eldest is being expected to do 50 hours of revision over Easter. Never mind a paid job. He’s not going to hoover too. And why should he?

My dc are fully responsible for their guinea pigs. I remind them to do them, but i certainly don't do it for them, so yes, children can be fully responsible for a pet (as long as the care is overseen by an adult).

A cat isn’t the same. Deflea and worm. Clean teeth and litter tray. Get them in at night. Vaccinate etc etc.
And no adult should ever get a pet assuming their child will look after it for the rest of its life (cats can live over 20 years!)

I don't think you ABU about expecting them to contribute to the smooth running of their home.
It doesn't sound like the list of jobs is particularly arduous.
What do they say when you talk about the division of labour? Do they really think its fair that you have to do 2/3 hours of jobs each night, while they do nothing, or a little bit with a lot of moaning?

Sounds like they do a fair amount to help out (as they should) and this is not a large amount for teenage pocket money, £5 a week. Your DC sounds pretty responsible working one day a week at 16, good for her personally would not stop giving this little weekly pocket money. No one 'wants' to do chores. Sounds like you have some great DCs.

I agree that a cat isn't the same as a guinea pig. I was merely pointing out that a child can be fully responsible for a pet (although, always overseen by an adult).
The donkey work with a cat is the feeding and litter tray, both of which should be done by the dd who wanted the cat. Other things like worming, vet trips would be handled by the adult, but i don't see why the dd can't look after the cat day to day if that is what she agreed to.
And yes, cats can live for 20 years, I'm sure the op is aware of that and is prepared to take on the care of the cat if the dd has left home. But while she is there, i would expect her to do the majority of the cat care.

I think if the children are revising different situation.

However with my 11 year old I say we are going to do half an hour sorting , tidying etc . We out songs in and tidy up . I set a timer so long as he has been helping he gets to go do what he wants I finish Moffat . I am also a Lp btw.

He does this because he is part of the family. He gets £2 a week because his job is to be a school boy.

I would sit down with them when exams are done and tell them time for a new approach . I would also look at what you are making I cannot think of a single dish I make that requires anywhere near 2 hours attention

Sorry but I would never get a pet I wasn’t prepared to look after. A young child can have no concept of what proper care involves.
It’s the money issue. The OP has always paid and now doesn’t want to. I don’t pay my kids. They aren’t expected to do masses around the house but I’m not their servant either.

How is the op doing 2/3 hours of jobs per night? Her children are looking after their own rooms, bedding and washing, plus being expected to wash up, hoover, dust, empty the bins and change the litter tray. They are being expected to do the lions share, there's barely anything left for OP to do!

Tbh, even if her children were doing nothing, it doesn't take 14-21 hours to clean a house lived in by 1 adult and 2 teens who are out at work or school all day!

Also, why aren’t the chores rotated? I’d be fucked off always doing the washing up or cat litter.

I did no chores and it was terrible for me. I’ve been thinking about what I’ll do when it comes to my children. It’s not easy but in my mind I feel keeping rooms tidy, their own laundry plus maybe one household task each is enough. I don’t know though.

I would continue to pay them as long as they agree to do the jobs with no fuss. They need to learn how to be responsible for themselves and environment, so this is good practice.

If they continue to make a fuss you stop paying.

Obviously the major parts of cat owning I would always oversee

All DD2 has to do is change the litter when required and wash her bowls. Put food in bowls. It is not arduous. No one minds being first one up, first one to feed the cat/last one up feed cat etc. But it’s not fair on the cat to have dirty litter or bowls so I either do it myself or have to nag nag nag

They are not doing the jobs even when ‘paid’ to do so. When I ask they complain even if being paid! Less I feel like paying out

I get home at 6pm and cook dinner usually have to wash up from night before because I need what needs washing! I have to wash all DD2’s washing still, all our towels and bed linen. DD1 washes her clothes only.

I also have to cleanup the kitchen before it is used because even if they do wash up they won’t clean the sides down and have made food after school. Go through fridge and fruit throwing out what hasn’t been used. Put out recycling, bins and food waste. Sweep floors. Sort out what has been dumped in laundry basket, wash and hang it. Fold dry washing and give over/put away. Clear up bathroom left like a shampoo covered tsunami. General sort out post, bills, etc. Shopping for the food. Hoovering is never actually done by them usually me. Dusting is done badly. Floors need washing. Shower curtain washing. Gardening. Toilets need cleaning. I don’t all that every day obviously but it all adds up when it’s just you doing the majority of it. DD2 may will wash up after school but leave last nights dinner ‘to soak’ I don’t have unlimited pans plates and utensils it is so annoying. Bin day is Wednesday and I have to nag for them to put their rubbish out

Not rotated as DD16 won’t touch the litter tray or do any of DD2’s jobs. I’ve tried that!

They aren’t there all day. Neither are you. I can’t see it being all that arduous.
You need to stop paying and stop expecting them to do jobs.
Stop nagging and don’t pay if they’re not done.
Or set new boundaries. No food upstairs. Leave bathroom tidy. Consequences if not followed.
At the moment you’re treating them like other adults in a house share and cheap labour too. Time to be clear.

Firstly, they shouldn't eat in their room upstairs- stop that habit asap. And it sounds like there isn't much family time OP. I would address that first as chores are naturally less tedious when done together.

There's no reason why you can't all cook together- maybe alternate which daughter cooks with you/ dries the pots, and which one washes the pots & dishes. And then eat together so you get some bonding time (from your latest post it doesn't seem like any of you talk/ catch up inthe evenings).

It's no wonder your daughter sees helping out in the house like a transaction...you've created an environment where each person looks out for themselves rather than doing things together as a family (fun things like meals and necessary things like chores).

If you do fun things together as a family it'll be easier to get them to do boring things for the family. I hope I don't sound too negative- your eldest daughter seems very responsible for her age and is just responding to chores how she has been taught.

I can quite see that there is a lot to do with running the house. Would you consider listing all the jobs you do and present that to the dd's. I did that once to mine, (not all the jobs, just what needed to be done before i could watch tv with them one night). They didn't have any idea of how much i did out there in the kitchen while they were on their computer games. It certainly gave them pause to think and then they were much more helpful.

Get both your children to do all their own clothes and bedding. The bedding is part of their rooms. If any dried laundry is theirs put it in their rooms unfolded and leave them to deal with it.

In regards to the other tasks - the 14 year old is expected to be sloppy in some areas and it would be worth it to show her how to do things properly e.g. wiping down counters. You will have to do this 3-4 times for each task. The 16 year old shouldn't be but only if you showed her as she got older how to do things properly and got her to teach the younger one.

Oh and all teenagers moan about doing house work.

I totally agree I have made this transactional and really need to turn this around

I was struggling to get them to help and this initially worked really well but has backfired!

If it is not clear, they are barely doing the jobs they are ‘paid’ for in the first place let alone anything extra like clearing out the mess they made in the car.

The 2 hours mostly seem to be cooking food clearing up and laundry

Most of the things you are listing are either 5 minute jobs, or occasional ones.
Look at the organised mum method, 30 mins a day for all cleaning/washing. Then add in maybe 30 mins for dinner prep/ washing up. Plus an hour for the supermarket shop (or less if you do it online)
Let your children do their own rooms, bedding and washing, and leave it at that. They are children, not housekeepers. It's not up to them to compensate for your long hours or lack of a partner.

I get mine to cook a family meal one evening a week and this has been a big success.

Cat chores though I'm having a lot less luck with!

If they are leaving the bathroom untidy, or leaving things laying around etc, then that is a different issue. You need to set boundaries and parent them. But they are children. Their job should be school, homework/ revision and looking after their own rooms and clothes, not adults in a houseshare responsible for a third of the chores

They are children, not housekeepers. It's not up to them to compensate for your long hours or lack of a partner.

Rude. OP is not a housekeeper either nor is she running a hotel. Everyone should contribute to family life once they are physically able to as everyone contributes to the mess. Even my 2 year old helps to hoover and tidied away his toys after playing with them (with my help obviously)

Teenagers are perfectly capable of more than making a bed. How will they cope when they move out if they haven't regularly helped to cook, wash dishes, sweep floors, hoover etc. They'll be floor annoying useless people in house shares and the OP would be doing them a disservice to treat them like guests in their own home.

Mrsm, you're right that they are only 5 minutes jobs, but its easy to do 6 of those consecutively. Clean loos, wipe surfaces, finish washing up from last night, sort post, put washing on, that would take me getting on for half an hour. Then you've added 30 mins for food prep and i'm assuming 30 mins for clearing away as well - so that's 1.5 hours.
Why should the dd's not contribute 15 minutes of their time to vacuum properly, or dust properly?