AIBU - wedding nightmare with family

[Reallyevilmuffin]

DP and I have been planning to get married for a while. Looking at cruises for the past month or so. Very realistic that on a 2 week cruise we expect no one to come. However it has become a big issue with my parents and brothers.

Parents keen on coming, no issues there. Brother 1 keen on coming, because it is a lot will help him to come. Brother 2 does not want to come. Basically stating limited holidays and does not want to come. No big deal, I look at sorting stuff for them and kids. I'm not particularly close with them like I don't talk to them regularly. None of DP family want to come.

Now my mother is flapping at the thought of brother 2 being left alone in house for 2 weeks. He is 23, works but still lives at home. However is concerned that he might have a mental health episode and no one will be around. Has no formal mental health issues but has called Samaritans before and does often feel left out in general and feels I get more attention as the eldest.

Now mother is saying that he cannot be left alone and wants other brother to stay so she can be worry free on the holiday. Brother 1 had been looking forward to it and being de facto BM, as only non parent adult there. Is annoyed but understands why mother is worried. However currently is not talking to him and hasn't for a couple of months. This regularly happens.

I am extremely annoyed at this. I wouldn't be bothered if any of them didn't want to come, but mother is dictating now for eventualities that probably won't happen, and if do is likely to be out of jealousy over an option that he had to attend with us and my parents paying half of his cruise fare.

DP is really upset, crying and suggesting we just call the wedding off. I'm incensed at this, and feel that she panders too much to brother 2 generally. I'm of a mind that although it'll cost us more to say sod it and just go alone without any of them. My mother is usually really helpful, often comes down to help clean our place but this is just too much for me currently.

Currently have given ultimatum of brother 1 and mother/father, brother 1/2 and mother/father, or none of them. Frankly this has left such a bad taste in my mouth I'm really not bothered if mum comes or not despite being close to her and talking most days. Or should I just let it go and just book for parents/us as they want, as this would be cheaper for us too, but I feel this is too much currently and I might struggle to get over this.

I would elope. Arrange it yourselves, and don't tell anyone.

It does seem a bit mad to get married on a TWO WEEK cruise. I know you said you might well not bump into your family but... what if you do? Every day? Not much of s honeymoon for you.... also a bit of a crap holiday for them unless the three of them regularly holiday together?

If your partner really can't stand any of the alternatives (Gretna Green? Quick registry office with the same people invited on the cruise?) I would go with pp's suggestions and make it a short weekend cruise. That way db won't be left on his own for ages, or might choose to come.

If all else fails, is there a friend or neighbour who could pop in and check on him?

Just get married at a registry office with everyone there. Get your wedding blessed on board and honeymoon on your cruise JUST the two of you.

You'll certainly have deserved time alone after the unnecessary fuss by your mother. 🌷

Get married quickly at a registry office with no-one there, have honeymoon on cruise with no-one there - that way you get a quiet wedding, you both have the same number of people there (nil) and you get the wedding on the ship that you wanted.
I'm guessing that OP's partner is upset because she had this fabulous vision sorted and then MIL decides to put a spoke in it. Lots of people get upset at things like that, particularly when it's a big thing like marriage! It's perfectly normal and posters who are having a go should remind themselves that not everyone is the same as them.

Scrap the cruise idea its not working. Have the cruise as honeymoon.
If your dp is crying over your wedding plans I'd question their resilience, that's ridiculous. There are a million ways to do a wedding. Are they always this dramatic I'd find that a tiresome and unattractive quality.

So sorry for you that you have this drama around something so special. Me and DH went to the Caribbean for two weeks on our own and got married on the beach. It’s not for everyone I know that but I can honestly say it didn’t feel strange not to have anyone there and the memories we have of the whole holiday I will treasure forever. It was fantastic having just us two to please, eating when we wanted and doing what we wanted every day. We are both close to our families but Our decision was based on what we wanted and that was no fuss!
We had a big party with everyone and wore our wedding gear again when we got back. Good luck I hope you can come to a compromise that works for you all.

@Aquamarine1029 I know; I agreed with you.
It was Contraception who said that.

We had many family related issues when we were planning our wedding - my parent suddenly decided they had a fear of flying and refused to travel at all and insisted the wedding should happen in their local region, which meant that 99% of the guests - Dh's family, all our friends and myself and DH would have to fly 6,000 miles to get married, plus pay for accommodation & food, guests having to take time off work etc. This parent also made it very clear that they would be devastated if we had the wedding in the country we both lived in because they couldn't be there.

We eloped. And never regretted it! Ironically, the parent with a fear of flying went on holiday to Italy a few months later, by plane of course. They have bravely managed to take several foreign holidays that required flying ever since as well.... Parent has now admitted that they just didn't fancy visiting the country that we live in and didn't want to spend money flying to place they had no interest in visiting (apparently their daughter's wedding was not enough of a reason). At Christmas last year, after a few glasses of wine this parent complained about what a shame it was that we eloped and didn't have a proper wedding!!

I am quite happy living six thousand miles away in a country my parent will never bother to visit

I'm guessing that OP's partner is upset because she had this fabulous vision sorted and then MIL decides to put a spoke in it.

But the DP is “dead set” and refuses to consider any other options. Weddings can be troublesome enough as is, without one partner refusing to compromise at all.

OP, you’ve said what you want to happen. Pause the planning and wait to see if your mother changes her mind.

And talk to your brother about how he feels and would like to handle any issues he has about being alone. If he has his own plan for managing his mental health your mother would worry less.

I really couldn’t be arsed with the drama. As long as the two most important people are there - you and your DP, nothing else matters. Step back and re-think, but don’t rely on others being there and then you won’t be disappointed. Rewind and start again as circumstances have soured this one, and just centre everything around you two making happy memories with renewed ideas and arrangements.