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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - wedding nightmare with family

61 replies

Reallyevilmuffin · 06/04/2019 20:13

DP and I have been planning to get married for a while. Looking at cruises for the past month or so. Very realistic that on a 2 week cruise we expect no one to come. However it has become a big issue with my parents and brothers.

Parents keen on coming, no issues there. Brother 1 keen on coming, because it is a lot will help him to come. Brother 2 does not want to come. Basically stating limited holidays and does not want to come. No big deal, I look at sorting stuff for them and kids. I'm not particularly close with them like I don't talk to them regularly. None of DP family want to come.

Now my mother is flapping at the thought of brother 2 being left alone in house for 2 weeks. He is 23, works but still lives at home. However is concerned that he might have a mental health episode and no one will be around. Has no formal mental health issues but has called Samaritans before and does often feel left out in general and feels I get more attention as the eldest.

Now mother is saying that he cannot be left alone and wants other brother to stay so she can be worry free on the holiday. Brother 1 had been looking forward to it and being de facto BM, as only non parent adult there. Is annoyed but understands why mother is worried. However currently is not talking to him and hasn't for a couple of months. This regularly happens.

I am extremely annoyed at this. I wouldn't be bothered if any of them didn't want to come, but mother is dictating now for eventualities that probably won't happen, and if do is likely to be out of jealousy over an option that he had to attend with us and my parents paying half of his cruise fare.

DP is really upset, crying and suggesting we just call the wedding off. I'm incensed at this, and feel that she panders too much to brother 2 generally. I'm of a mind that although it'll cost us more to say sod it and just go alone without any of them. My mother is usually really helpful, often comes down to help clean our place but this is just too much for me currently.

Currently have given ultimatum of brother 1 and mother/father, brother 1/2 and mother/father, or none of them. Frankly this has left such a bad taste in my mouth I'm really not bothered if mum comes or not despite being close to her and talking most days. Or should I just let it go and just book for parents/us as they want, as this would be cheaper for us too, but I feel this is too much currently and I might struggle to get over this.

OP posts:

Marriedwithchildren5 · 06/04/2019 21:14

Your mum is probably more aware of his mh health problems than you. I assume she runs around looking after you all. Cleans your house, brother living with her etc. Now she wants to be at your wedding and (not the best choice) asks your other brother to help so she can go. I kind of feel sorry for your mum.

Original poster

Reallyevilmuffin · 06/04/2019 21:22

She doesn't clean regularly, maybe once every few months she comes down and helps out a bit. Both brothers live with parents still, both 23.

Partner is dead set on the ship now, does not want to do it in the UK. If we did then it would be the same price to get married on the ship too. I have suggested registry office to her but she doesn't want this, even though it would mean her mother and other family would attend. She feels embarrassed about not having many people to invite and so wants to do it away somewhere.

I agree, I wasn't bothered about anyone coming but mother was very insistent on going to see the wedding. I don't see it as a huge deal and just trying to please everyone as best possible. Ship is huge, could easily not run into them at all on it especially with the excursions.

OP posts:

IHateUncleJamie · 06/04/2019 21:34

It all sounds like an absolute nightmare tbh.

Your DP will have more people there from her family at a registry office than she will onboard ship, if none of her family want to come. If she’s worried about not having many people to invite then why don’t you just have immediate family at a ceremony here?

You don’t have to go for the whole legal wedding package onboard ship, you could even renew your vows onboard or something simple like that which will cost less.

It’s all a bit confusing but it sounds like you’re stuck between pleasing your family and your dp.

GemmeFatale · 06/04/2019 21:38

As your mum is causing the problem is simply rescind her invite.

Go, get hitched on the ship with your partner (and dad and brother can witness if they still want to come along)

S1naidSucks · 06/04/2019 21:43

you need to stand up to your mother and tell her that either your brother comes or no one comes and you and your partner will get married without them. If you’re old enough to get married then you’re old enough to tell her to stop interfering.

Original poster

Reallyevilmuffin · 06/04/2019 21:46

Issue with saying no mother is brother 1 is volunteering not to leave brother 2 home alone for mother so she can come.

DP specifically wants a nice easy excuse to avoid not inviting people she doesn't want there - hence ship ceremony.

Seems to be same price for renewal. Can't obviously see a price for vows only.

OP posts:

Doubletrouble99 · 06/04/2019 21:47

Why don't you go abroad (near embarkation port for cruises) to get married and take family who can come for the 2 or 3 days of the wedding preferably at a weekend so they don't need to take much if any holiday time. Then leave on you honeymoon on board a ship with them waving you both off - how romantic could that by!

Amongstthetallgrass · 06/04/2019 21:54

You DP and brother go.

It’s not fair mother is dictating who can go to your wedding

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2019 22:41

I mean this as nicely as possible, but your partner is being a HUGE pain in the arse. She is making this so unbelievably difficult and complicated for no valid reason. She is seemingly incapable of acknowledging we can't always get what we want, even if it is for your wedding. She needs to compromise or everyone's life is going to be a misery.

IHateUncleJamie · 06/04/2019 22:43

I agree with Aquamarine. If your DP would compromise, things would be a LOT easier.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 06/04/2019 22:45

Why should the partner compromise on her wedding to please a MiL?!

clairedelalune · 06/04/2019 22:48

Why would there be faff with invites for reg office here? Surely same as ship? Just without commitment to 2 week holiday?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2019 02:47

@IHateUncleJamie

Why should the partner compromise on her wedding to please a MiL?!

Because it's not just HER wedding. It's her partner's, as well.

Flaverings · 07/04/2019 03:10

Currently have given ultimatum of brother 1 and mother/father, brother 1/2 and mother/father, or none of them.

How is this an ultimatum?

Peopleshouldread · 07/04/2019 03:28

Just a throw in from left field.
I know you say your partner is set on a ship, but a lot of the cruise lines are disease hot beds for vomiting and diarrhoea , flues and all the rest. I'd be very leery about the potential for whomever the wedding party eventually consists of all coming down with the squitters for part of the trip.
That and you'll probably have a pile of random observers leering away at you, who want to join the party and will follow you round the ship for the rest of the time commenting and congratulating you all. I find cruise ships( been on one once NEVER again) not romantic, lacking in privacy and somewhat hellish with the type of people you may get stuck with.
If you must do things this way, choose your cruise line very, very carefully.
Get married at a restaurant or a registry office and then get on the boat. I think both your partner and your mother are being a bit unreasonable .

Letterkennie · 07/04/2019 04:01

Crikey, from your mum’s POV she clearly sees your brother as a suicide risk and is terrified of leaving him as a result!

Your crying DP needs to calm down. He’s worried about you backing out and yet he’s talking about calling it all off? Are you really sure he’s up for this? He’s making it as tricky as possible!

strathmore · 07/04/2019 04:32

A 2 week cruise?

Do it on a 3 night mini break one.

To take 2 weeks of anyones time is really inconsiderate.

Bagpuss5 · 07/04/2019 05:44

Did everyone miss the bit about the Samaritans. If I had a slight worry about my DS even considering taking his own life I don't think I'd leave him -how could you?
You could just go on your own, OP, Qiuet ceremony, just a witness.

jameswong · 07/04/2019 08:00

Bring DM and DF only. After ceremony throw your DM overboard, quickly followed by a life preserver. After she's fished out, look her straight in the eye and say "that was some BS about DB2, but now we're even". Done.

You're welcome.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 07/04/2019 08:06

If your mum is worried then she can stay home I stead of forcing her worry on to someone else.

CatandtheFiddle · 07/04/2019 08:11

The problem is that you’ve chosen to make a public and legal declaration of your life partnership in a way that precludes actually sharing the event with your family and friends.

Why oh why? Just get married somewhere where everyone can attend and then go son a bloody cruise with your new spouse as a honeymoon.

Having a 2 week cruise as your wedding? Madness.

CherryPavlova · 07/04/2019 08:23

A two week cruise as your wedding is close to madness. Have it as a honeymoon as has been suggested. Do a nice lunch for the wedding.
Personally, I’d be a bit concern about one of mine marrying someone incapable of considering the needs of those closest to them. Two weeks is a very long wedding and it feels like an entirely selfish arrangement- never a good thing.

Twenty three with mental health problems would be a concern for a parent. It’s not so very old and if there have been a need to contact Samaritans previously, I can understand that consideration of the impact on him might be important. You can’t know the full extent or whether it’s a formal diagnosis. Worse still, it might be a significant mental illness that is not being treated professionally for whatever reason. You don’t stop being a parent and worrying about illness etc when they reach 18.

Politicalacuityisathing · 07/04/2019 08:32

From the info posted, I have come to a different conclusion from many. I think those talking of DB2 as the "golden child" is bizarre. If you subscribe to such a view I think you're missing the obvious here....OP and her DP sound very emotionally immature - e.g. unable to assert yourselves in a constructve way. Your poor DM - she's the one having a nightmare here. Stuck between her "golden child" and her son struggling with mental I'll health.

I'm also not clear from what you've said that you know you can get legally married on board. A renewal is not a legal ceremony.

TixieLix · 07/04/2019 08:49

Totally off subject, but how can your DM expect your DB2 to move out (you say she's been trying to get him to move for over a year) when he's not even mentally stable enough to be left on his own for two weeks?

getback · 07/04/2019 08:51

How rude are all the posters sneering at the ops wedding plans - she isn't asking advice on the wedding they have chosen. It is what they want! They are also perfectly accepting that people may not come. MIL is being ridiculous

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