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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

47 replies

unicorniann · 06/04/2019 12:57

Our almost 3 year old has been screaming a lot lately. Basically anytime she doesn't get her own way or it can be for silly reasons like she doesn't like the way I've put her cheese on her sandwich etc. It's been absolutely constant for the past few weeks. To begin with, I'd chat to her, cuddle her and try to calm her down but that hasn't had any effect. I actually think she is doing it for a reaction. The new approach we're trying is to take her away from the situation, sit her down and saying "we stay calm in this house" and letting her calm down before then talking to her. I explained last night to DH that I think not talking to her when she is screaming hysterically might be best for now. He agreed.

Then, DD started having an absolutely epic melt down at lunch, it was the worst one yet. Hysterically screaming because she didn't like where I put her apple on her plate. I tried to talk her down but the screaming got worse & worse. I sat her down to calm down but she was screaming more & more, louder & louder for a reaction. I held my nerve and just calmly waited. DH was nearer DD at the time and she turned to him saying "hand hand" she had a runny nose and had wiped it on her hand. Anyway, DH who hadn't been involved in the whole lunch drama went over to wipe her hand and started asking her what was on her hand. I said to him calmly "remember, don't talk to her". Then he sharply shouted my name and looked at me, clearly angry with me & upset.

I said nothing more but once DD had calmed down and was back eating lunch, I asked DH to please not speak to me like that again. He started getting really upset saying "I'm not the boss of him" and all this other stuff. I walked away but later returned and told him that I'd never ever try to be the boss of him and that it's just because I'd dealt with the whole melt down and had held my ground with her and I really didn't want him to come in and start communicating with her. DH was shaking his head and sort of tensing his lips together the whole time I spoke. I've just left it. I'd hate to think someone thinks I'm bossy in that way but I also should point out I do 95% of the parenting because of DH working away for long spells.

I'm just upset that I can't have a conversation with him without him shaking his head and being angry with me.

Is this all my fault? Was it wrong of me to ask him not to talk to her? I feel so confused by this whole thing.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/04/2019 12:59

I'd calmly take her lunch away and tell her she could have it back when she'd calmed down. Then walk away.

You can't reason with a tantruming toddler.

Bankofenglandfiver · 06/04/2019 13:02

Nothing tests your patience like a toddler in a tantrum. Other than a teen doing similar.

Let him have a turn of doing it while he’s home.

Original poster
unicorniann · 06/04/2019 13:02

NannyOgg don't mean to drip feed but that's actually what I had done. The tantrum started over me rolling her sleeves up, then I took the plate away, gave it back when she had calmed down and that is when she lost it completely over the apple. She's clearly going through a phase and I think it's important that she realises that she won't gain anything by screaming. I've been doing a lot of explaining to her that if she's upset about something she just needs to talk to me about it and we can sort it. Hoping she comes out of this phase soon.

OP posts:
Hotsummerplease · 06/04/2019 13:02

Yanbu, definitely best to give a tantrum no attention at all. He's being a bit horrible about it all.

MoMandaS · 06/04/2019 13:07

He reacted like that because you challenged what he, like so many other men, perceives as his innate male authority.

Friedspamfritters · 06/04/2019 13:07

Those toddler tantrums always make everyone stressed. I would leave this incident for the time being then have a conversation and agree about what you'll do in the next situation. Once the toddler is in tantrum mode they can't think rationally so no amount of reasoning will help. I would stay close to her but not actually engage until she's calmed down which it sounds like is what you were doing. DH shouldn't have spoken to you like that - hopefully once he's calmed down himself he'll apologise. For what it's worth kids model how to handle stress from the adults. If he can't stay calm how can he expect a toddler to?

MoMandaS · 06/04/2019 13:09

I mean, I don't know him so it's only a suspicion, but it was the first explanation that sprang to mind.

PregnantSea · 06/04/2019 13:15

Parenting needs to be a united front. If you've agreed on a course of action then you should really try to stick to it. If one parent thinks you need to change this then it's better to discuss it away from the child rather than just wading in and doing whatever in the heat of the moment

That being said, there was a shrieking toddler. That pushes everyone to their limits... So as long as you've talked it through and both understand where the other was coming from then it's probably best to just move on from this.

HollowTalk · 06/04/2019 13:17

But I think that she was talking to him because she wanted her mood to end and you stopped that happening. Sometimes a third person coming into the room can stop a tantrum.

If he's not often home and when he is you try to control how he is with your daughter, I can see why he's unhappy.

RaspberryBubblegum · 06/04/2019 13:26

So you both agreed that the approach would be to ignore her when she's screaming and then he immediately breaks that approach when you were holding it together? Did you ask him why he agreed and then didn't follow through? He is in the wrong not you.

Widowodiw · 06/04/2019 13:30

Jesus that’s it’s go in for the kill on the husband. You clearly said he wasn’t involved in the incident and came in the room. So toddler was shouting at you not your husband. Child saying needed hand wipe ya a sign they are perhaps moving on from said tantrum and husband talking to them could have diffused the situation. It’s called teamwork for a reasons sometimes it’s good and bad cop.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/04/2019 13:34

  1. your approach about ignoring her is what I would do

  2. I would start letting her “make” her own lunch (obviously with you right there to supervise having pre cut etc)

  3. never undermine your partner infront of the child. Wait until the situation is over then speak to him calmly away away from her.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/04/2019 13:37

The tantrum started over me rolling her sleeves up, then I took the plate away, gave it back when she had calmed down

Please don’t do this! Food is not a reward for good behaviour.

Original poster
unicorniann · 06/04/2019 13:39

She was still screaming when she was shouting "hand". She hadn't calmed down and wasn't in the process of doing so. Interestingly as soon as he spoke to her, she stopped screaming. To me it's obvious she screamed until she got the attention. I would rather she had screamed for longer but come to the realisation that we won't communicate with her until she is calm.

OP posts:
Original poster
unicorniann · 06/04/2019 13:41

Please don’t do this! Food is not a reward for good behaviour.

You are right, food isn't a reward for good behaviour. However, i took the plate away because when we sit down for a meal together, there shouldn't really be screaming at the table. The lesson is that once you are calm, we will sit and have our meal together.

OP posts:
Original poster
unicorniann · 06/04/2019 13:42

Equally, if she was having a tantrum over a toy, I'd take the toy until she is calm and then return it to her so I think taking her plate is consistent with this message.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/04/2019 13:46

Please don’t do this! Food is not a reward for good behaviour

No it's not. But the OP wasn't doing that. You can't eat whilst you're screaming. And she would have probably refused it anyway.

She got it back when she was ready to eat it.

CheshireChat · 06/04/2019 13:46

ILoveMaxiBondi it doesn't sound like a reward in this scenario, more like take it away so it doesn't end up on the floor.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/04/2019 13:46

However, i took the plate away because when we sit down for a meal together, there shouldn't really be screaming at the table.

Yes, which is why you remove the screamer. “DD please leave the table and come back when you are calm and ready to eat with us.”

Toys and goodness are very different.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/04/2019 13:47

Goodness= food

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/04/2019 13:48

more like take it away so it doesn't end up on the floor.

No it wasn’t

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/04/2019 13:51

You can't eat whilst you're screaming.

So no need to remove the plate then. It was removed as power play. Do as I say and you can have your food back.

Original poster
unicorniann · 06/04/2019 13:52

There's no difference between removing the child and removing the plate. You're still not letting them eat until they're calm. You're still giving them food at the end of the tantrum. I think when people use food as a reward it's more "if you do what you're told, I'll give you a sweetie" which is entirely different to what I did in this scenario. I removed the plate until she was calm enough to eat with us.

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 06/04/2019 13:53

Sorry, but we'll have to agree to disagree.

She wasn't going to eat right at that moment and you're just asking for mash on the ceiling if you don't take it out of range Wink.

ScarletBitch · 06/04/2019 13:55

She is old enough to go sit on the naughty chair for 3 minutes, keep returning her every time she screams or gets up. As for your DH, tell him to shut up, grow up and stop interfering and overriding your parenting in front of your DD. If he feels threatened by you because he thinks your bossy, that's his issue not yours. Tell him you already have 1 child having tantrums, you ain't got time to put up with his!

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