AIBU- EX threatening to "kill me" if I don't stop child maintenance

[helpmetoseeagain]

Hello,

I wrote a thread about this before and I received some good advice but I'm terrified and I'm in two minds about the situation. To start...

DD's dad is one of those dads that we won't hear for 4-6 months at a time and then shows up out of the blue. He Is consistent for 2 months, then something happens and he goes like a genie. I warned him that if he does he's disappearing act again, that he should keep walking and doesn't turn back as he has done this for the past 7 years.

Anyway, we have had no contact from him in 3 months and DD is getting one. Whilst I was out, I received a random call from my sister (we live together) that DD's dad has showed up and he would like to talk to me, and that he has his friend (who I know of) with him.

I was honestly like "what the fuck". Anyway I reach home and I meet DD playing with her dad and kept saying "your back, your back". I then asked DD to play in her room.

Moving on, the reason why DD's dad came was because he wants me to stop pursuing child maintenance. He said he is in debt, he is about to lose his home, he is only working 15 hours and cannot afford to provide for DD. I told him "that I gave you (him) chance after change to give me some money, I didn't hear from you when I texted you to ask what was going on, I warned you that I will pursue child maintenance and ask them to do a collect and service (where they do a direction of order) if I didn't receive any money).

He's friend then pipes up and tells me " I know you wants DDs dad to be a responsible father but have some compassion, he is in debt, a week ago he asked me to pay for he's electric. Your studying right ? Why can't you sacrifice your studies and get a job and provide for your DS yourself ?". He then adds " if DDs dad doesn't pay, then I will pay you the money". I told him to not be stupid , my child ain't he's responsibility.

I then asked DDs dad how much can he afford to pay, he said "Honestly... I have no money, I can give you 10 a month or maybe £20... but there will be a few months that I won't be able to pay". I told him that he can't be for real. He then starts shaking in anger (I know) and pipes up "why can't you leave me alone ?! Just drop the child maintenance and I won't have anything to do with DDs life". I replied to him "That I'm sorry but I want the best life for DD and unfortunately, I need your money. You can decide on whatever relationship you want with DD but you still have to provide for her".

He then gets up and starts shouting "I will give sign over my rights, I will let you have full custody of DD but drop this child maintenance, if you don't drop it, I will come for you". He then turns to his friend and says "she needs to go".

I then told him to "get out" and they both went.

I cannot be arsed with this boy child, I'm thinking of leaving Child maintenance so myself and DD can have a peaceful nice. My friend told me that I shouldn't but if I don't do it, I have a death wish hanging over me.

You've done the right thing. Keep the police up to date with any changes, no matter how small.

Thanks everyone. I've also decided not to pursue CM. I want him out of our lives. I want to cut the link.

Why don't you want to pursue it? He's a father and has a responsibility. Is this because of the threat?

They all say they will drop rights.then you stop asking for money and believe me he will come crawling back when he's got nothing else he will want his daughter he will want a human contact and you will not be getting any money so you will be left in even more shit. He cannot hand over any rights and he will every time come back to his daughter whether he's giving money or not

Do you think he will disappear if you don’t pursue CM?

What is stop him pursuing contact, once you stop CM?

He hardly sounds trustworthy!

Personally I think youre doing the right thing op. I would stop the maintenance too. Its not worth it.

I will pursue CM later on. But right now- no. I'm worried about the threat and so forth and I don't think it's worth angering him further at this stage. At the end of the day, desperate people do desperate things.

I'm hoping to move in the next couple of months and I think it'll be safer to pursue CM then.

His friend is an arsehole for getting involved in such a manner as well. You need to report every incident to the police so it’s all logged and keep a written log yourself, make sure you take note of the police officer’s details each time. Also contact women’s aid for help.

I would drop the CMS claim personally if it meant getting rid of him but in all likelihood he will still crop up in your lives so keep pursuing it, it’s your DD’s money.

If he is struggling so much financially he should get a full time job rather than giving you grief for studying and trying to better yourself.

@helpmetoseeagain : your username implies you want us to help. The advice is: report these threats to the police and get some protection for both you AND your daughter. If you take his behaviour serious enough to want to drop this, then it's serious enough for the police to be involved.

The CM isn't for you: it's for your daughter so your ex is denying her the basics that she deserves and needs.

He's not desperate. He's a manipulator and he's manipulating you to get his way. I agree with others; this won't stop him. If he wants to swan into your daughter's life to try and give himself some later benefit, then do you think that he won't? Do you think that he cares about anyone other than himself? The answer is no.

I'm hoping to move in the next couple of months and I think it'll be safer to pursue CM then.

I think this sounds like the best idea.

Report the threat to the Police. Speak to Woman's Aid and go get an urgent Non Molestation Order. He sounds like he has Drug debts to pay off, not your problem. The CSA can accurately calculate his maintenance based on his earnings given by HMRC.

Do not respond to any texts, emails, calls. Document everything. Do not let him in again.

He has made a very serious threat, I would be very concerned.

Thanks Scarlet. He has housing benefit debts. I was thinking of getting an non molestation order. I would speak to the police and see what they'd advice.

Instead of dropping the claim, is it possible to ask the CMS to refrain from collecting until after you've moved? That way, you don't lose any money.