AIBU- EX threatening to "kill me" if I don't stop child maintenance

[helpmetoseeagain]

Hello,

I wrote a thread about this before and I received some good advice but I'm terrified and I'm in two minds about the situation. To start...

DD's dad is one of those dads that we won't hear for 4-6 months at a time and then shows up out of the blue. He Is consistent for 2 months, then something happens and he goes like a genie. I warned him that if he does he's disappearing act again, that he should keep walking and doesn't turn back as he has done this for the past 7 years.

Anyway, we have had no contact from him in 3 months and DD is getting one. Whilst I was out, I received a random call from my sister (we live together) that DD's dad has showed up and he would like to talk to me, and that he has his friend (who I know of) with him.

I was honestly like "what the fuck". Anyway I reach home and I meet DD playing with her dad and kept saying "your back, your back". I then asked DD to play in her room.

Moving on, the reason why DD's dad came was because he wants me to stop pursuing child maintenance. He said he is in debt, he is about to lose his home, he is only working 15 hours and cannot afford to provide for DD. I told him "that I gave you (him) chance after change to give me some money, I didn't hear from you when I texted you to ask what was going on, I warned you that I will pursue child maintenance and ask them to do a collect and service (where they do a direction of order) if I didn't receive any money).

He's friend then pipes up and tells me " I know you wants DDs dad to be a responsible father but have some compassion, he is in debt, a week ago he asked me to pay for he's electric. Your studying right ? Why can't you sacrifice your studies and get a job and provide for your DS yourself ?". He then adds " if DDs dad doesn't pay, then I will pay you the money". I told him to not be stupid , my child ain't he's responsibility.

I then asked DDs dad how much can he afford to pay, he said "Honestly... I have no money, I can give you 10 a month or maybe £20... but there will be a few months that I won't be able to pay". I told him that he can't be for real. He then starts shaking in anger (I know) and pipes up "why can't you leave me alone ?! Just drop the child maintenance and I won't have anything to do with DDs life". I replied to him "That I'm sorry but I want the best life for DD and unfortunately, I need your money. You can decide on whatever relationship you want with DD but you still have to provide for her".

He then gets up and starts shouting "I will give sign over my rights, I will let you have full custody of DD but drop this child maintenance, if you don't drop it, I will come for you". He then turns to his friend and says "she needs to go".

I then told him to "get out" and they both went.

I cannot be arsed with this boy child, I'm thinking of leaving Child maintenance so myself and DD can have a peaceful nice. My friend told me that I shouldn't but if I don't do it, I have a death wish hanging over me.

Seriously, if he's threatened to harm you, this needs reporting to the police. You then need to get a non-molestation order in place. There are organisations (such as women's aid, other national ones, or you will probably have local DV charities) who can support you with this.

You then need to pursue the CM claim. He is her father and has responsibilities.

Given the fact he's been violent in the past I'd be taking his childish threat seriously and pushing for police involvement. Threats to kill is a serious offence, although he may be able to wangle his way out of that part if he didn't directly say "I'm going to kill you"

The police can be shit but they can also be brilliant in cases where there is or has been domestic violence, I say that from a place of experience. They were great with me.

You are all right !

I need to bite the bullet and report it to the police. I'm just so scared that it will make him even more angrier.

Report to the police.
And I’m going through the same thing with CM however if he is that skint then you might get like £10 a month prepare your self for that one. My ex who’s a millionaire has a dodgy accountant that makes him look like a minimum wage hobo. It’s taken months and months

Excellent advice on the first thread- including from a poster wat CMS

(at CMS)

Report him to the Police, you can do it now online if you wish.
I'd also get a restraining order out on him, no way would I have him anywhere me or my child again. Contact the CAB/Womens Aid for help.
Tell your sister to never him or his mate in again. Get a spyhole and a chain on the door.
I wouldn't drop the CM he should pay, he a cunt.

You're not listening.

Either do the mature thing or accept this shit.

You posted this exact thing before. A few days ago, either report it to the police or cancel the child maintenance if you think the police wont do anything 🤷‍♀️

Police. Protect yourself and your kid and don't stop the CM. If he's struggling maybe the police can get him the help he needs ( whilst also not letting him get away with death threats).

15 hours a week? If he is short of money and has responsibilities then he should change his job to full time. If he has an issue finding the required amount based on his previous employment then he should ask for a review. His debts are not your problem but turning up unannounced with a friend and threatening you, is.

Personally I would scrap the maintenance and just cut him out completely, and hopefully he won't ever turn up again. You and your Dd better off without him. What good is he to either of you anyway

I'm going to sound very harsh but either report it to the police and continue with your CMS application.... or don't. But be at peace with your decision.

It's totally up to you what you do but you're just going round in circles and posting identical threads

Just call them.

I've told the police and I've arranged to see them at the station to give them a full report of the incident.

Forgot to add.

I am also going to call CM and let them know that he is threatening and for them to refrain telling him anything about the case.

I'm still undecided about pursing CM.

The police can't do anything if you don't tell them what's been going on.

Make it clear this is a long term pattern of violence.

In your shoes I'd have as little as possible to do with him and be delighted if that meant nothing to do with him at all. He's a dead beat and I'd be surprised if he ever amounted to anything that would make it worth your while to ask for maintenance payments.

I have informed CM of the threat and they said that I will be receiving £195.00 a month.. this includes the arrears.

Brilliant, well done you. I know you said you were worried about him getting angrier but fuck him, YOU should be angry! He’s a twat, a shit dad, a shit person, your kid deserves better and so do you!

You’re left to do the actual hard work of raising a child alone, he doesn’t deserve to be pissed off with you, how dare he?! His circumstances are entirely his own fault, yours are not, he’s partially to blame for that too. I’m so bloody angry for you OP, but proud of you for sticking to your guns. Now you’ve done the hard bit, don’t let him call the shots anymore.

Well done OP. I can understand your concerns about him getting angrier, I too had been scared to report things for that reason, but if he does then good (well not good but ultimately good) , you call the police and he can be arrested. Any further negative contact with him, record everything you can. I have a voice recorder app on my phone for this purpose. Whilst technically these recordings cannot be used as evidence, my solicitor has said that should I choose to record conflict, threats etc a court may well decide to listen to them anyway, whilst also stating that they cannot condone it.

I think it's really brave you're going to talk to the police.
If you explain this is coercive control or domestic abuse they will have trained police officers who can support you.

Child maintenance can also support you if you say there was domestic abuse especially if he's spent nights in the cells.

That's evidence of his treatment of you.
I know it hasn't yet stopped him from acting this way but the police will bear it in mind.
The law changed fairly recently and their practice is catching up.

Does your sister often let men into the house when they've harmed you?

He doesn't have the right to link contact with your dd in with maintenance.
He's not renting her.

Contact is for your dd's benefit.
If he's like this it might well not be in her best interests to see him, but that's separate to maintenance.
And obviously he has no right to threaten you.

I doubt very much CMS can force him to pay if he is broke, but it is good that you have reported the incident to the police. Boxing won’t keep you safer, but telling the police frees you from being forced into mediation with a bully if things end up in court. Hopefully he would also think twice before being aggressive to you or your child if he knows there is a police record about his previous behaviour.

Well done OP. Be proud of yourself. Also make sure your sister doesn't let him or anyone else in in future!