to think giving a gift in this circumstance was a nice gesture?

[yarnmath]

Recently experienced a loss. Me and my sister were both given a card and a copy of 'a grief observed' book by CS Lewis. I thought it was a lovely thought, DS thought the person who gave it was insensitive to give a gift after a death and is now ignoring them entirely, which is a shame.

AIBU to be a bit upset with my sister over this? I'm bring sensitive of course but I think it's sad to fall out with someone over a thoughtful act.

Your sister is nuts.
It was a thoughtful, kindly meant gesture.

If it had been a custom made moonpig card which said " was a ugly fat pig and I hated them!" she might have a point, but what you go sounds very nice.

being

Everyone grieves differently, I can see both points of view, although I personally think it was a lovely sentiment (I send my friend treats every year on the anniversary of her mums death) if it wasn’t something people do then ‘sorry for your loss’ cards wouldn’t exist!

I think it's very difficult to get something like that right, as you can see by the way you and your sister both responded so differently. It was well-intended, but it's okay if your sister found it inappropriate. People grieve differently. I would think that as time passes, she ought to be able to see things more reasonably, that even if the gift wasn't right for her, it was well-meant and not worth falling out over. But I wouldn't make a big deal of it now.

I just think as a 31 year old woman you should be able to see it for what it is. An act of kindness. If she doesn't want to read it she can put it on a shelf, or give it to the charity shop.

I'm sorry for your loss . I think it was a nice gesture, yes. I haven't read the book - is there something about the book that's upset your sister, or is it the general idea of a gift that she dislikes?

In any event, it sounds well-meaning and thoughtful, so it is sad that your sister is blaming the giver for being insensitive - it doesn't sound insensitive at all.

It was in no way inappropriate.

Nice gesture.
Anger is part of grieving, and often misdirected. Your sister's view may change as her grief is processed.
Sorry for the loss you've both had.

She's not read it. She just thinks gifts are inappropriate after a death. I just thought her reaction of blocking all contact entirely with a kind, generous old family friend who is also suffering more greatly than we are from this loss is cruel.

I haven't heard of a school of thought that says gifts are inappropriate after a death.

Clearly some types of gift would be inappropriate - anything that suggests celebration, for instance - but this book hardly falls into that category.

Having looked it up, I can see it's a book of the author's own reflections on the death of his wife - I imagine your old family friend had found comfort in the words of CS Lewis and hoped you and your sister also would.

i gave a friend a potted rosemary when his father died,
he was in NZ and his father back home in Europe and the family only waited 2 days and had the funeral so no way he could get there in time and was as expected absolutely devastated
i wanted to do something nice so i got him a rosemary plant and put it in a nice pot and gave it to him with a card and he burst into tears and said "rosemary for remembrance" i think it was nice for him because it wasnt just a platitude it was giving him the opportunity to think of his Dad and remember him and tell us stories about him, and that night we all, from work, sat in the garden bar and he told us stories about his dad when he was growing up...

I agree it was a lovely gesture to give the book, I can’t be too critical of your sister though as grief affects everyone differently

l lost my mother to suicide three weeks before Christmas, a few years ago. The year after, my friend came to visit me in November, and brought me a lovely little box containing a charm bracelet advent calendar. "So you'll at least have something nice every day in the run up to Christmas."
When my dad died, one of the girls l worked with sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. My husband had to ring and thank her, l was sitting sobbing on the stairs holding the flowers, l was so touched.
Speaking personally, l think l'd be inclined to give a small gift like your book, or flowers or a plant. lt might just make a tiny bright spot, a little comfort in a very dark time.
l agree with the previous posters - anger is part of grief. Your sister may well think different as time goes on.

One of my friends had lost her mum who loved a particular type of horse. I saw a small ornament of that horse type and bought it for my friend. Maybe it wasn’t appropriate but she seemed touched and it’s just so hard to know the right thing to do /say when someone is grieving and you desperately want to help.

I think emotions can run very high when grieving, but in this case Ithink it wS an incredibly thoughtful appropriate gift. I would have thought this had someone given me such a gift when my parents or my sister died.

You say this person would be most likely grieving too, and possible more so than you? I wonder if there is some sort of ...not sure of the word...rancour or jealousy? On your sister’s part that this person might have been closer than she was to the one you lost.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

'differently'

I think that's lovely. How strange for your husband and sister to feel offended at this kind and thoughtful gift. I hope you don't ignore this person too because of them? I'm sorry for your loss.

OMG that's a lovely thing to do. Your sister is directing her grief in the wrong direction.

I have suffered significant losses and I would be very touched by this gift. When I lost my sister one of my friends gave me a rose bush to plant to remember her by and I thought that was a lovely gesture.

She's not read it. She just thinks gifts are inappropriate after a death. I just thought her reaction of blocking all contact entirely with a kind, generous old family friend who is also suffering more greatly than we are from this loss is cruel.

So do I.
Does your sister have form for making events 'all about her'? Does she think her grief weighs more than anyone else's?
To pile more misery on top of a death by sending someone to Coventry for a thoughtful gesture seems hopelessly immature.

It's also very 'punishing' behaviour to hurt the old family friend - especially as from what you describe, they were closer to the departed person that you or sister.

YANBU, & sorry for your loss as well as the fallout from it.

What is your sister like normally? It's a ridiculous and nasty reaction to an act of kindness and I'd tell her so if she were my sister. It's probably just her grief and she'll calm down in a few weeks, try to get her to not do anything drastic to sever the friendship in the meantime. If she already has, then I would apologise for her to the family friend and explain the gift was clearly sent in kindness but DSis is reacting strangely from grief, hopefully they'll understand.

Condolences to you too, I hope you're able to find the space to grieve for your own loss.

I have that book, I bought it after my child died. I couldn't read it past the first few lines though, it was far too close to how I felt and I just wasn't ready. But sending it to you and your sister was a lovely, thoughtful thing to do.
Flowers are a gift, and sending them wouldn't have been unusual or offensive, so I can't see why a book would be. I think your sister just needs to be angry at someone right now, hopefully she will feel differently as time goes on.

People deal with grief in different ways.

Some people - your dsis - do it in really destructive stupid ways. She needs your help.

@Margot33 definitely just my sister. I don't have a husband.

For context the woman who gave the book to us is an old family friend. Close friend of our mother's and definitely a strong female role model. It's her husband who died so she is most definitely suffering more than we are. Confused by my sister's actions but glad it's agreed she is being unreasonable. Thanks to those who responded