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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Where is the line between doormat and good friend?

32 replies

Bigfatbaby · 06/04/2019 08:00

I can't decide. I have been friends with C for nearly 20 years, in the latter years best friends...like family. I have been there to support her through all sorts of stuff.

18 months ago she met a new friend and disappeared off the radar, we went from seeing each other a few times a week, texting most days to never getting a response to messages, being let down at the last minute and not seeing her for months at a time. She literally dropped off the radar, and it hurt. A couple of times I mentioned it, to be told all was fine, just busy, but I noticed that she had plenty of time for a very active social life with new friend.

So I stepped away, it was making me feel shit.

Now she has fallen out with new friend, big time. Turns out NF is actually not very pleasant. Now my friend is in hysterical tears on my shoulder, it's all very dramatic. Turns out she had been naively telling NF all sorts of stuff about her old friends, who had been sidelined, and NF had been telling all and sundry etc.

So she has decided to ditch new friend, but is heartbroken. She's even reading me text messages between then, sobbing. Their last conversation apparently was all about how they loved each other, but she can't have NF in her life any more because she nearly lost her husband, old friends etc.

When I asked wtf was going on, I was told that I didn't need to understand, and that she wants to forget it and move on.

But I'm struggling. I was so hurt at being ditched, made to feel like the clingy, boring old friend if I ever mentioned it...when actually I have a great life and lots of friends. I even had a baby, and didn't get a card, no good luck on day of induction, no messages or anything for nearly a month.

I feel like saying that I need to back off for a while. That I don't want to hear this drama, and these tears over NF. That given how long standing our friendship is I feel like I deserve better. That I'll be in touch when I've locked my wounds. But then I feel like a bad friend, as she needs support and to be reassured.

But at what point is loyalty and faithfulness actually doormat territory?

There's a whole lot more to this obviously, but have attempted to condense.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bigfatbaby · 06/04/2019 08:03

I need to add that she is only ditching NF because she wasn't there for her when she needed her. C was having husband problems and NF wasn't responding to text messages, and this made C realise she was being dropped. Ignoring the fact that that is how she had been treating everyone else.

I can't help feeling that she liked her better than me, and so I don't feel like being second choice. When it all kicked off between them, and C was texting her wanting support, I was actually in contact with her...but it wasn't me she wanted.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 06/04/2019 08:03

Being a good friend does not mean ignoring your own feelings and needs. Doing that is being a doormat. You need some place - that is absolutely fine and reasonable.

Blessingsdragon1 · 06/04/2019 08:05

Honestly - you are well into doormat territory

Babooshkar · 06/04/2019 08:06

Wow, sorry op that is really shitty. I would be distancing myself from this ‘friend’. You’ve been hurt, your feelings disregarded and now you’re being expected to pick up the pieces for the exact situation you’ve been hurt by. No, that’s wrong and definitely doormat territory.

I’d be slowly but surely distancing and stepping away, busy with new baby, no time etc

longwayoff · 06/04/2019 08:06

The line? Draw the line so that things are balanced both sides. You should be 'too busy' to be indulging this non-empathic vampire, show her the door. Friends should like each other.

HarrysOwl · 06/04/2019 08:09

She is not a good friend person.

Well over the line into treating you shitly - I'd keep my distance, focus on the good friends you have. Life is too short for drama like her.

MayFayner · 06/04/2019 08:10

I would feel that all the drama with the new friend was irrelevant really.

Your friend ditched you /wasn’t there for you for a long time, you had a baby and she wasn’t around, that alone would be enough for me withdraw from the friendship.

No way would I listen to all this other friend drama crap. Sorry you’re upset I’m just busy with my baby. Maybe we can grab a coffee in a few weeks when it’s all blown over.

Outnotdown · 06/04/2019 08:11

I would point out to C that she treated you just like NF is treating her, and see if she can understand how her actions hurt you

Otherwise, it seems as though the relationship can't give you anything. And I would walk away.

SummerInSun · 06/04/2019 08:11

Hmmmm. All sounds a bit weird - that's more the behaviour you'd expect from a friend who takes up with a new love of her life and then gets dumped. I'd say there was a bit of a crush there, even if neither has a past history of same sex relationships.

I'm the forgiving type (which I know on Mumsnet makes me the doormat type). I'd probably give her a second chance, but I would say to her (in a reasonable tone of voice, not angry) "do you understand that the hurt you feel for being dropped by someone who you thought was a good friend was the hurt I felt when you went out of contact with me?" I would also be very careful telling her anything confidential, since she's shown she has very poor judgment about who she repeats things to. And keep your own distance emotionally for a while at least.

Amongstthetallgrass · 06/04/2019 08:14

She did like her better than you. At that point.

I’ve been very close to my old school friend - getting on 35 years. There’s been times when we’ve drifted and come back together when life has got in the way. When she was under a lot of pressure she failed to reply to a few of my messages or took a very long time to reply. But that wasn’t because of ‘another woman’ and when she got back on track I was here waiting for her. However if I sent her an SOS message she would call me to see if I was ok.

Your friend is just looking for comfort. I don’t know if I’d be willing to give it in your shoes.

Good solid friendships are to be protected, not manipulated for one persons benefit.

vintanner · 06/04/2019 08:24

Don't be a doormat. Your 'friend' made it clear you weren't good enough and ditched you. Whey are you letting her back into your life? She isn't worth it, move on, stop all contact with her, stop being a stop-gap.

CalmdownJanet · 06/04/2019 08:34

Sorry but you are already into doormat territory. I would simply say "You are here crying dramatically, hurt, and all poor me because your new friend stop replying to texts, now imagine how that would feel if a friend of 20 years did it. I don't need to imagine because that is what you did to me. You showed me who you were then, I didn't like it and I moved on. I don't have any desire to go back either, and I certainly won't be used. I hope things work out for you but you've burned your bridges here and I am not a shoulder for you to cry on, certainly not when you are being the biggest hypocrite with regards to friendships"

Cloudyapples · 06/04/2019 08:38

Turns out she had been naively telling NF all sorts of stuff about her old friends, who had been sidelined, and NF had been telling all and sundry etc.

This alone would have me running for the hills! What had she been telling about you that might have been broadcasted? Surely your trust in her has gone?

Happynow001 · 06/04/2019 08:41

Turns out she had been naively telling NF all sorts of stuff about her old friends, who had been sidelined, and NF had been telling all and sundry etc.
What exactly was she saying? How is her behaviour that if a friend?

She's only come back to you as her "new friend" has blanked her - as your friend, of 20 years - did to you.

I don't think I'd want to go back to the friendship we had - if I continued as a friend it would be at a much lower level.

Friedspamfritters · 06/04/2019 08:41

I wouldn't bother with her after all that. You reap what you sow. If she ditches you for one new friend she'll ditch you again.

Original poster

Bigfatbaby · 06/04/2019 08:43

Well, that's my concern. While I lead a very dull life and she certainly wouldn't have had anything exciting to tell her about me unlike some of our other friends, I now feel like she would have been ridiculing me. She talks about how she would see NF ignoring messages from people, lying about what she was doing to avoid seeing them etc but that she 'never thought she would do it to her'...but that just feels like such shitty behaviour that I don't know how she could have been so accepting of it, and think it was just fine as long as it wasn't done to her. It also makes me think that all those times I messaged and didn't get a response, that she was doing it to me too just like this friend was to others

OP posts:

Original poster

Bigfatbaby · 06/04/2019 08:47

She admits that I seemed boring compared to NF, as she is very sociable though and a big drinker. I feel like she may have been all "oh BFB, she's so boring, look, she's messaged again, back when she was 25;she did ABC whatever". And even if she didn't, is the fact that I don't just know that she wouldn't do that to me enough? I should just know that she wouldn't do that, but I don't trust that any more.

OP posts:

Blessingsdragon1 · 06/04/2019 08:50

She did not acknowledge the birth of your baby and you are listing to this shit ? This is not just passive doormat/ being kind you are activly damaging your own self worth by not reacting or pointing out how she has treated you

Blessingsdragon1 · 06/04/2019 08:52

Here have a new acronym DTB ; Dump The Bitch

Aeroflotgirl · 06/04/2019 08:53

She sound like a crap friend, distance yourself, you are into doormat territory.

InkyToesies · 06/04/2019 08:57

C is a piece of work isn't she? Essentially she's a cheeky fucker.

You sound like a really nice person and probably too generous-spirited for your own good. Not everyone is the same and you need to recognise this. C isn't a nice person, and isn't and wasn't a friend.

Like PPs have said, I'd withdraw, be polite and civil but not feed into the drama. Essentially I'd go grey rock on C, say "Oh what a shame" then change the subject.

Unlike other PPs however, I wouldn't bring up the similarities between how NF is treating C now with how C treated you previously. There's nothing in it for you. Your life has moved on and you're just fine as you are. Bringing it up makes you sound needy and wanting some acknowledgement from C or an apology. Any such apology from C would just be lip service and insincere. In fact she'd probably resent it and blame you for "kicking her when she's down"! She sounds like she has the insight of a pound of mince.

At worst, it suggests that you are open to resuming the 'friendship' that you and C had. IMO that would be a very unhealthy thing to do. You really would be a mug then. She's shown you who she is. Believe her. This is the real her, not the person you thought she was for all those years. There was just no opportunity for her to show her shallowness until NF came along.

I like the expression that a PP used about C: emotional vampire! Get rid asap!

Seriously OP, do you believe for one minute that if NF contacted C and wanted to be chums again, you'd see her for dust? Right!

So this is what needs to happen: your shoulder is now off-limits to C and any other cheeky fuckers. It's only available to your baby, who has first dibs of course, and your circle of real friends.

altiara · 06/04/2019 08:57

I agree exactly with CalmdownJanet.

She’s not behaving like a friend to you, don’t get confused with being loyal, stand up for yourself or she’ll continue treating you like this. And who ignores the fact you had a baby!

pasturesgreen · 06/04/2019 08:58

C has shown you her true colours.

The trust would be gone completely for me, up to you to decide if you feel able to forgive and forget or not. I know I wouldn't.

TowelNumber42 · 06/04/2019 09:02

To answer your specific question:

I feel like saying that I need to back off for a while. That I don't want to hear this drama, and these tears over NF. That given how long standing our friendship is I feel like I deserve better. That I'll be in touch when I've locked my wounds.

Yes, do this. Or don't even announce backing off, just do it. Don't pick up messages, be unavailable.

But then I feel like a bad friend, as she needs support and to be reassured. She is the bad friend. You need support and to be reassured by her. So, back off and wait for her to realise she has been a bad friend then fall over herself to beg forgiveness, at which point you decide if you want to be friends or not.

Jumping to her tune now is definitely doormat territory.

AuntMarch · 06/04/2019 09:02

Why didn't you just point out "that's exactly what you did to me. It's shitty isn't it"

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