Where is the line between doormat and good friend?

[Bigfatbaby]

I can't decide. I have been friends with C for nearly 20 years, in the latter years best friends...like family. I have been there to support her through all sorts of stuff.

18 months ago she met a new friend and disappeared off the radar, we went from seeing each other a few times a week, texting most days to never getting a response to messages, being let down at the last minute and not seeing her for months at a time. She literally dropped off the radar, and it hurt. A couple of times I mentioned it, to be told all was fine, just busy, but I noticed that she had plenty of time for a very active social life with new friend.

So I stepped away, it was making me feel shit.

Now she has fallen out with new friend, big time. Turns out NF is actually not very pleasant. Now my friend is in hysterical tears on my shoulder, it's all very dramatic. Turns out she had been naively telling NF all sorts of stuff about her old friends, who had been sidelined, and NF had been telling all and sundry etc.

So she has decided to ditch new friend, but is heartbroken. She's even reading me text messages between then, sobbing. Their last conversation apparently was all about how they loved each other, but she can't have NF in her life any more because she nearly lost her husband, old friends etc.

When I asked wtf was going on, I was told that I didn't need to understand, and that she wants to forget it and move on.

But I'm struggling. I was so hurt at being ditched, made to feel like the clingy, boring old friend if I ever mentioned it...when actually I have a great life and lots of friends. I even had a baby, and didn't get a card, no good luck on day of induction, no messages or anything for nearly a month.

I feel like saying that I need to back off for a while. That I don't want to hear this drama, and these tears over NF. That given how long standing our friendship is I feel like I deserve better. That I'll be in touch when I've locked my wounds. But then I feel like a bad friend, as she needs support and to be reassured.

But at what point is loyalty and faithfulness actually doormat territory?

There's a whole lot more to this obviously, but have attempted to condense.

Just distance yourself. Be unavailable and busy. She's not being a good friend. You don't owe her anything.

I'm a forgiving type but I think what you do depends on how much you still value her as a friend and want to see her. And I certainly don't think you should be in a position of consoling her.

To start with, I'd just say "look, I'm sorry you're so upset, but it was pretty hurtful being dumped by you, especially when X was born, you didn 't even bother sending a card or a message. I 'm worried you are only back here now because nf dumped you so I think I need some space ATM thanks."

put it to another perspective, you've been with dh for 20 years and love him like life itself. he announces he's met someone else and leaves you for this all singing, all dancing gorgeous younger woman. she gets bored and dumps him then he contacts you for a shoulder to cry on and how miserable he is etc. you are there for him as you still, in a way love him, so you listen and say how awful it all is.
he in the mean time doesn't want you back but you are handy for out pourings of tears and grief. you have become a door mat.
let this so called friendship go and move on.

Is she really that dense or unaware that she's crying to you about something awful that happened to her that she actually did to you too? And she's not sorry? I would not be making time for her personally. I would point it out to her first though.

Even giving her head space is a waste. Never mind your time.
Your precious baby is keeping you sooo busy.

Block her and move on op.

I certainly wouldn't allow her to try and take over your life again. You have other friends and lots of other things to do. Emotional vampire does seem to fit it - she wants you 100% focused on her because her friend isn't being nice to her!

She sounds awful. Don't give her your time or support. She will be off like a shot the moment she gets a better offer.

Her 'drama' is all self-inflicted.