Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Becoming more introvert as I get older- aibu to worry!!!

66 replies

Mangetoutrodney · 06/04/2019 07:00

As per the title really- I am 46 and am turning into a real introvert! I used to be really sociable (but have always enjoyed my own company) but these days, I barely want to leave the house!!
I was out with a group of friends last night. When I was younger, I would be the last person standing! I don’t really drink anymore either because of perimenopause anxiety so went out for a few hours & had a nice time but couldn’t wait to be at home again 🙈
I have a wide circle of friends but these days seem to prefer 1-1 rather than groups and prefer lunch rather than evening outings.

I think I am just worried that I will isolate myself as I still love seeing people but seem to be becoming more & more introverted!

Aibu to think it’s a mid life thing or is it just me changing?

OP posts:

Luglio · 06/04/2019 07:32

We socialise madly when we're young because it's the mating season.

Staying home where it's comfy, quiet, warm & safe is the normal, natural and sensible preference for human beings.

O4FS · 06/04/2019 07:33

And I’m a single parent.

Writing this down, I probably need to get out more. 😬

talkingjapeneseireallythinkso · 06/04/2019 07:33

i've finally met my people ! so good to know i'm not the only one who finds idle chit chat tedious in real life.i can't be bothered with anyone other than my dh and adult dc

Grandadwasthatyou · 06/04/2019 07:34

I completely identify with this. I just said to dh last night that I really didn't want to go to the theatre with friends, would rather have been lying on the settee with my " blanky" watching Netflix.
And on the very odd occasion when I do go out I start getting fidgety and anxious around 10 pm and just want to be home. I hate driving long distances if I don't know the road, just "put up" with people unless they are family. I never used to be like this.
Is this a medically recognised "thing" at a certain age?

TheVanguardSix · 06/04/2019 07:34

I think the "age of social media" has done that ton a lot of people

Yes! I see this with my 17 year old. He games but is otherwise pretty much unplugged from social media. Social media keeps life switched ‘on’ and we’re over-stimulated by it.

I love how recently, some of my favourite bands and artists are leaving social media and just going back to good old fashioned websites. I was 28 in the year 2000, so that young woman would be shocked to hear me say ‘websites are so intimate’ by comparison to a Facebook newsfeed. I get to explore Nils Frahm, for example, without a million comments (all lovely but still...) distracting me when I go on his actual website. I’d forgotten how intimate this is. Anyway, I digress.

You have to actively switch off from this world that insists we stay on.

Original poster

Mangetoutrodney · 06/04/2019 07:36

@O4FS I still have quite young kids in primary - one about to start secondary- work full time in a demanding job & so both those things probably feed into it aswell. I don’t have much energy for anything else. I recently joined a book club. I am naturally a sociable person- I wonder how much mid life & perimenopause feeds into all of this?

OP posts:

Sarcelle · 06/04/2019 07:41

I am 53. When I was at school I was introverted and solitary. 20s and 30s I was an extrovert, noisy, socialiser. From mid 40s onwards I have reverted back to my teenage self. I hate social events. I don't get anxious about them but they bore me, they seem pointless. I find people annoying these days so go out of my way to avoid them where possible and I am am happier at home with DH.

I used to like going to theatre and cinema and avoid those too, I just find being around people raises my blood pressure. My tolerance for shallow attention seekers is non existent. I prefer 1 on 1 interactions to large events. I would say just embrace it, do what you enjoy. Unless your living depends on you being a social butterfly I would not worry about it.

The world has a lot of noise in it now, thank god for the quiet ones!

RickOShay · 06/04/2019 07:42

I am switched off, when I am in a cafe or something and the waiter is kind of cool and over friendly in a look at me way, I just can not be arsed to engage with them, even though I feel positively towards them, I just haven’t got it in me to humour people I don’t know.

RickOShay · 06/04/2019 07:44

I am all out. Unless you are my family or an old friend and their family, I just can’t do it.

picklemepopcorn · 06/04/2019 07:45

Totally me. I was worried there was something wrong, but you are all making it look normal!

MissB83 · 06/04/2019 07:48

I'm the same, I've got a lot on in my life now so if I do get some time to myself I enjoy spending time with one close friend at a time or otherwise having some much needed relaxation on my own!

KitKat1985 · 06/04/2019 07:49

I'm exactly the same. I hate having to make idle chit chat with people. Would much rather stay home with my family where I'm able to relax.

PersonaNonGarter · 06/04/2019 07:53

I am like this too - although I dream of becoming more sociable because I love seeing friends when I do see them.

But I am so quiet now. Really quite mousey. I don’t express my opinions much and I have very dull chat. I try to appear interesting but there’s only so far a pair of funky earrings can take me. So I am just not good social value.

I’m hoping it will improve.

RickOShay · 06/04/2019 07:56

personal
why would you like to improve?

SallyWD · 06/04/2019 08:10

I think this is quite common. I read that in our teens and 20s we're naturally very sociable as biology is driving us to get out and mingle, meet a mate and reproduce. It seems natural that in our 40s when we're approaching menopause the desire to be out all the time declines. I've spoken to other friends in their 40s and they say they all feel different now and don't want to go out so much. I've always been an introvert but was a very sociable introvert before. Like you I was always the last one standing. These days I just want to be in and my heart sinks when I have evening plans. I think you just need to make yourself go, maybe come back early. I find I prefer daytime plans with friends. Meeting for lunch or tea, a nice walk in nature.

ushuaiamonamour · 06/04/2019 08:12

Introversion isn't a degenerative disease, you know. I know labels from psychology carelessly applied are part of internet culture but it might be helpful to stop applying them to yourself if you can. You prefer a night in playing solitaire or writing fan fiction or putting ships in bottles or whatever to going out these days. So what? As pps have said that's not uncommon, and it's probably a very good thing that your tastes are still changing--surely it would be very dreary to be so rigid that your personality/inclinations are exactly the same at 40 as they were at 20. And I don't think you're likely to wake one morning to find that you want to retreat to a cave and relinquish all human contact either, so your withdrawing altogether from society probably isn't worth worrying about either.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/04/2019 08:18

I’m another one who was quiet when I was a child, then always wanting to be out in my 20s and now I’m mid 40s I could happily only go out a few times a year, which I do and it’s usually with family anyway.

As someone else said, though, it’s just nature. If everyone stayed home in their 20s and 30s the human race would die out! I also think in your 20s you are much more adventurous generally and again I think it’s nature making sure we push on out there to find a mate. Happens in nature documentaries too, they’re always taking extreme risks cos they’re horny!

What do we need in our 30s? To make sure we are staying home and caring for our offspring and not off out neglecting them. For me, there is just no urge to go out partying much anymore.

There are people my age at work who I see on social media out in massive groups celebrating somekne’s Hen night or birthday in a massive group. And it looks like my idea of hell! We’re all different though and it could be that my partying urge comes back once in through menopause and my children are “safe”!

I do wonder what would have happened if I just hadn’t met DH in my early 20s and settled down. Would I still be enjoying going out? Who knows...

greyby25 · 06/04/2019 08:20

I'm nearly 21 and I'm exactly like this 😂 I had my DD young and since then pretty much have zero interest in going out, it's a hassle and I'd rather be at home curled up on my sofa with a pizza than out with my friends, I used to hate my own company but I can't get enough of it now. I do worry what I will be like as I get older x

O4FS · 06/04/2019 08:44

I think it’s really interesting that a couple of you have raised the point about reverting to what you were like as children. I hadn’t thought of this, but actually it rings true for me too. That’s really given me something to think about.

Also, driving in the dark. Having been a confident driver for 30 years, I’m now more nervous and as for driving in the dark - I hate it. Might be something to do with diminishing eyesight.

I am reassured by you all. Good to know it’s not just me.

PersonaNonGarter · 06/04/2019 08:45

I’d like to improve because... only connect.

I think loneliness is a disease that creeps up on people and before they realise it is too late. Being sociable is when I learn new things about myself and friends and new things in general. It is also fun if done right . I don’t want my children to feel like they are mine/DH’s source of company.

hipslikecinderella · 06/04/2019 08:46

I used to lie to my parents so I could go out with my friends.
Now I like to my friends so I can stay in!

hipslikecinderella · 06/04/2019 08:46

Lie

GaraMedouar · 06/04/2019 08:51

I think I've always been an introvert but pushed myself to be more extroverted as that was what was expected. Now at 50 I accept me for me, complete introvert. Single mum too and very busy working so no time for going out. I miss having a partner but never likely to meet anyone now (as I don't go out out!) I don't want to date just get to the comfy slippers stage straightaway!

Original poster

Mangetoutrodney · 06/04/2019 08:52

@persona that’s a very true point about kids. I have always tried to maintain my friendship groups & my social life for the very reason that I don’t want my kids to feel like they are our source of company at all! And obviously it’s important to have your own life.
So that is part of my worry I guess!
I see a friend once a week on average- I run with one friend & we chat a lot or I go to the park with a friend etc.
So I guess I am still technically quite sociable - but I just don’t want to go out out partying

OP posts:

FriarTuck · 06/04/2019 08:54

I just want to move to the mid of nowhere in Scotland (think skyfall) with my husband and kids and farm and grow our own veggies and only see someone when I have to travel to the nearest tesco.
I could definitely go with this, only I'd have my shopping delivered so avoiding most people, and would be living alone

Flip

1 2 3