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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DP for leaving me holding the baby?

72 replies

MermaidTail7 · 06/04/2019 03:15

DP and I have a 5MO DD. When I was about 2 months pregnant DP's DF passed away very suddenly an unexpectedly. It was a massive shock to everyone and understandably everyone was very upset. DP did not have a great relationship with his DF, his parents seperated when he was young and his DF was pretty absent and unreliable. DP was the executor of his DF's will and is still wrangling with bits of his estate as he lived overseas when he passed away. DP's DSis was hit particularly hard by it all.

Today DP announces his DSis is upset as she wants the family to be together for the anniversary of thier DP's passing. This is on the same day as my DM's 60th birthday party. I offer to take DD and go to my family party so DP can be with his DSis. He says he doesn't want to. All is well and I respect his decision.

Fast forward to tonight, I have my fourth night out without DD since she was born (home by 9.30 and no booze as I am BF/expressing!! ), and I get home and she is still up clearly tired and fractious and overstimulated (her bedtime is 6.30-7pm). So I have a cup of tea, go upstairs and go to bed to settle her, leaving DP downstairs with a beer.

I wake up at 1am to a crying upset DD with a cold, and discover that DP has literally upped and walked out if the house with no note or message and gone into town for an impromptu drinking session while me and DD are asleep upstairs.

I sent him a (strongly worded) message saying I was really dissapointed in him doing that, as I felt it was selfish, irresponsible and unfair if him, especially when tonight was meant to be my night out, thus ensues a conversation where he says that I am living in a bubble, that it's not a big issue and I'm blowing it out of proportion being ridiculous, and that I am the selfish one because 'don't I realise his DF passed away a year ago this weekend'.

AIBU for being annoyed at him? 12 hours ago he said he didn't want to go to his DSis's to 'remember his Dad', as he can remember him anywhere, and suddenly (after some beers at home) he is so struck by the anniversary of his father's passing that he has to leave the house and go drinking at 11pm at night with no thought about his DP or DD.

OP posts:

Ploppymoodypants · 06/04/2019 03:26

You are not being unreasonable. I would be upset about this too. No advice I am afraid. But I think your anger is justified.

user1471446186 · 06/04/2019 03:26

I think I’d be a lot more worried about him than cross. I don’t think you are being very sympathetic. He might not have wanted to go to his sisters but it doesn’t mean it hasn’t bothered him. I don’t really get the issue about it being your night out and then you come home and have to look after the baby?

Cloudyyy · 06/04/2019 03:39

I think YABU sorry! You are sat with DD, all is fine... so why shouldn’t he have a drink? You have already been out for a bit too. Is it possible he is downplaying his feelings about his father? You could be a bit more sympathetic towards him!!!

HopefulAgain10 · 06/04/2019 03:42

Hes right , you are incredibly selfish and completely unsympathetic. He might not have wanted to go to his dsis because it may be too traumatic and emotionally difficult. But that doesnt mean that he isnt struggling.
Tbh I would have picked another weekend to go out , and been there to support him rather kick him when hes clearly down. A first anniversary is a big one, which you Obviously havent given thought to.

Nowthenforever2019 · 06/04/2019 03:47

Yabu. Also, totally off point, but you can drink and breastfeed perfectly fine.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 06/04/2019 03:52

YABU. You’ve had your night out and since come home.

Emotions are complex, particularly when it comes to grieving and even more so if the relationship was rocky. It would be very nasty and cruel to have a go at him over this when it’s the anniversary of his dads death..

AlmostAJillSandwich · 06/04/2019 03:53

Anniversarys, especially the first, are hard, especially when you didn't have the relationship you wanted with them or didn't get to say goodbye. Your daughter has you with her, you'd wake if she cried in the same room right? He's not left her alone, and you were already back from your evening out.

Purpleartichoke · 06/04/2019 04:03

It’s never ok to assume the other parent will take care of the child while you leave at a whim. He should have told you he felt the need to go out and ask if you were ok being on point while he was gone.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 06/04/2019 04:09

Why didn’t you just have a proper night out? There is no way most people would come back from a night out at 9.30. Why is it a problem for him to go out when you are home?

Original poster

MermaidTail7 · 06/04/2019 04:12

Thanks all, I guess because he has been so matter of fact about his DF passing, and every time I have suggested something related to marking it, or supporting his sister with it he's always said no, I'd not considered the possibility of him still struggling with it. I'll attempt to be more understanding. I guess I'm just upset that he just upped and left and didn't even think to leave a note or message me before he left.

HopefulAgain10 I had double checked with him that he was OK with me going out, it was for a mutual friends 40th so at least one of us going (for three hours) was the compromise as it wasn't a baby friendly event. If my DP was showing any signs of 'clearly being down' I absolutely wouldn't have gone and would have stayed to support him, but he has been his usual happy down to earth self all day, and had even said I should go and he was looking forward to some Daddy-daughter time, I felt it was OK for me to go out for three hours.

OP posts:

llangennith · 06/04/2019 04:13

YANBU! Whatever his feelings about his DF dying a year ago that's no excuse for walking out without letting you know. If he's gone out drinking then obviously he won't be up to doing much in the morning.
You must've gone out early (I assume that from your post as you say he should've put baby to bed usual time) and you were back early. Nothing wrong with that.

StoppinBy · 06/04/2019 04:15

I think YABU too and this sort of thing would normally annoy me if my DH did it.

I am not close to my family, I have seen my own father twice in about 10 years but these people still manage to have us care about them. Your DH may not have even thought this would impact him only to find it has, I think you need to have a chat with him in a kind way and ask how he is actually doing.

Original poster

MermaidTail7 · 06/04/2019 04:17

purpleartichoke thank you, you have hit the nail on the head about why I was upset..

OP posts:

StoppinBy · 06/04/2019 04:17

I do think he should have left you a note that indicated where he was by the way, I just don't think you can be upset that 'he left you holding the baby' under these circumstances.

Namechangedforbabyname · 06/04/2019 04:36

You're both unreasonable. He should have left a note, you could have been more understanding. However I too feel you're maybe being a bit of a matyr with your night out - no drinking? Home by 9.30?! And so it's not really fair to expect your partner to never drink and be home ridiculously early just because you choose to do these (unnecessary) things on your night out (lots of people breastfeed and still have a couple of glasses of wine on a rare night out!). And you did choose to cut your night out short and come home early so why shouldn't he go out?

Blondebakingmumma · 06/04/2019 04:37

I get the mourning for his father and even wanting to go out for a drink. But, he should have let you know he wanted to go out. At least sent you a message. I would be panicked to wake to my hubby missing

AceOfSpades123 · 06/04/2019 04:51

I can’t believe some of the replies on here.
YANBU
He upped and left without a word and no note. Regardless of why and who died that is not ok. That’s a shitty thing to do and shows a huge lack of respect. Did you just up and leave to go to your friends 40th? No. You discussed and planned it. Ok, he wanted a last minute drink. Fine. But he should have told you. Woken you or pinned a note to the kettle or text you. Why didn’t he do that? Now it’s your fault for blowing it out of proportion? Nope. He’s trying to provoke a row. Who’s he out with? This is a huge red flag in my opinion. Honestly, I’d be booking a marriage counselling session ASAP before his behaviour/disrespect get out of hand. Let him explain his reasons to someone with an excellent bullshit detector. If he won’t go then he goes to a bereavement counsellor on his own but he goes to one of those things. End of.

Longdistance · 06/04/2019 04:58

Why did he not put baby to bed? That’s so lazy. It would annoy me too if my dh went out without saying anything.
You should have stayed out longer and had a few drinks though. I drank when bf, dds are fine.

Bombalarino · 06/04/2019 04:59

Presumably the OP was home by 9.30 because the baby needed feeding?

I think he should have asked you. But I guess given the circumstances you should cut him some slack.

PirateWeasel · 06/04/2019 05:07

YANBU. You don't stop having parental responsibilities just because something difficult happens to you. But it sounds like he's not very responsible anyway if he let DD stay up past her bedtime to the point that she was so upset. Then casually walking out in the middle of the night? Nope.

sweetiepie1 · 06/04/2019 05:27

He might be going through something, but it wasn't a very mature way to act. If he felt like he had to go out, he should of 100% told you, not just left you to wake up to him not being there!

blackcat86 · 06/04/2019 05:30

So he left you go to bed and snuck out to drink? How pathetic. It's also very stupid and adolescent. What if he'd gone missing, there had been a fire or another emergency and thought he was home. It would have been so easy for him to have just let you know that I do wonder if he's crying to create drama. OP I'm wondering if deep down you knew he would be a bit crap looking after DD and that's why you didnt drink and came home so early. If you had drunk you may not have been in a fit state to look after DD while he waltzed off into the night. It's not about his DF dying a year ago. Women across the world have MH issues and things happen and keep going because they have childcare responsibilities so why do men get a free pass? Absolutely find yourself a good couples counsellor. One who you feel understands what you're going through.

MaverickSnoopy · 06/04/2019 06:01

YANBU. I have been in a similar position where my DH did that years ago pre children (minus the bereavement) and frankly it was terrifying because I had no idea if he was ok at all and no clue what was going on. It's an incredibly selfish thing to do, let alone when you have children, whatever the reason.

I know that it's the anniversary but given the fact that he'd been so blasé about it I would be wondering how much of an excuse it was for a free pass to act like this. Yes people can be feeling all sorts of things and not speak about it but mostly you get a sense for how someone is coping with something.

My DH has lost both of his parents and did a few inconsiderate things when newly bereaved and I handled it as a two pronged approach - 1) understand and support but 2) explain how it made me feel and that I was upset about what he had done. A year down the line though with no show of upset or much discussion and I'd be approaching it as you have but I probably wouldn't have confronted it over text. I would have waited to have had a proper discussion about it. I'd also be inclined to keep asking over the next couple of weeks how he's doing in case he did need the support.

LividLaughLove · 06/04/2019 06:08

My exH’s dad died and he dealt with it “weirdly”, insofar as grief can be normal.

He practically ignored it on the surface, but inside he started on a spiral that ultimately led to alcoholism.

Your DH was wrong to leave without saying, but I’d be worried it’s a symptom of his unmanaged grief. Even if he seems okay on the surface.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/04/2019 06:15

You were home and in bed. He should have left a note. If this is something he does regularly not fine. However it sounds like he wanted to mark the anniversary of his dad’s death in his own way. Probably a bit in denial and confused about his feelings.

Have you not experienced parental death?

I would be more annoyed with not putting your baby to bed. I’m wondering if you knew you couldn’t trust him hence returning so early.

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