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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DP for leaving me holding the baby?

72 replies

MermaidTail7 · 06/04/2019 03:15

DP and I have a 5MO DD. When I was about 2 months pregnant DP's DF passed away very suddenly an unexpectedly. It was a massive shock to everyone and understandably everyone was very upset. DP did not have a great relationship with his DF, his parents seperated when he was young and his DF was pretty absent and unreliable. DP was the executor of his DF's will and is still wrangling with bits of his estate as he lived overseas when he passed away. DP's DSis was hit particularly hard by it all.

Today DP announces his DSis is upset as she wants the family to be together for the anniversary of thier DP's passing. This is on the same day as my DM's 60th birthday party. I offer to take DD and go to my family party so DP can be with his DSis. He says he doesn't want to. All is well and I respect his decision.

Fast forward to tonight, I have my fourth night out without DD since she was born (home by 9.30 and no booze as I am BF/expressing!! ), and I get home and she is still up clearly tired and fractious and overstimulated (her bedtime is 6.30-7pm). So I have a cup of tea, go upstairs and go to bed to settle her, leaving DP downstairs with a beer.

I wake up at 1am to a crying upset DD with a cold, and discover that DP has literally upped and walked out if the house with no note or message and gone into town for an impromptu drinking session while me and DD are asleep upstairs.

I sent him a (strongly worded) message saying I was really dissapointed in him doing that, as I felt it was selfish, irresponsible and unfair if him, especially when tonight was meant to be my night out, thus ensues a conversation where he says that I am living in a bubble, that it's not a big issue and I'm blowing it out of proportion being ridiculous, and that I am the selfish one because 'don't I realise his DF passed away a year ago this weekend'.

AIBU for being annoyed at him? 12 hours ago he said he didn't want to go to his DSis's to 'remember his Dad', as he can remember him anywhere, and suddenly (after some beers at home) he is so struck by the anniversary of his father's passing that he has to leave the house and go drinking at 11pm at night with no thought about his DP or DD.

OP posts:

Original poster

MermaidTail7 · 06/04/2019 06:16

The whole be going out and coming home early thing, I left at 6.15pm and I came home at 9.30 because I wanted to, no alterior motive or anything. DD is EBF and 5MO, and not yet sleeping through the night (or even close to it) so I was pretty tired (like all mums!!).

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 06/04/2019 06:17

Its not alright that he just left without saying anything. Has he done this kind of thing before? If its out of character then maybe you can cut him some slack in the circumstances

CarolDanvers · 06/04/2019 06:21

Also, totally off point, but you can drink and breastfeed perfectly fine.

What?! No you can’t.

PotteringAlong · 06/04/2019 06:25

carolDanvers you really, really can.

stayathomer · 06/04/2019 06:25

It's only about a year is it? I can understand that. Yanbu to be upset he just left without telling you but it could just be hitting him or he might be finding thit tougher than he thought so I'm not sure it's something to hash out now

jellycatspyjamas · 06/04/2019 06:25

It’s not unreasonable to feel annoyed with him - you feel what you feel - but I’d worry about his comment that you’re living in a bubble. Does that mean he thinks you’re missing what’s going on for him?

I wonder just how much he’s struggling with his dads death, it’s not unusual for someone to put all their energy into supporting other people, sorting the funeral, settling the estate and not give space to their own grieving process. By then it can feel like the rest of the world has moved on and so should you - but the grief is still there. I’d cut him some slack and try to offer support, it’s a very hard thing to lose a parent, especially when the relationship hasn’t been what you hoped for.

Original poster

MermaidTail7 · 06/04/2019 06:28

Shoxfordian-the only time DP has done something like this before was about 6/7 year ago when after a row I went to bed, and he stayed downstairs watching TV, and I woke up and realised he had gone out drinking... Since having DD because I am so tired we will often go to bed at different times and he'll stay up and watch TV for an hour or so with a beer.

OP posts:

BoomBoomsCousin · 06/04/2019 06:28

It's pretty poor that he didn't settle her while you were out and that you had to do it when you came in. It's really not on that he upped and left while you were asleep without even leaving you a note let alone asking if you were OK with taking sole charge of DD. But - an anniversary of a parent's death can be quite a big deal, even if he has seemed matter of fact about it. So I think, on this occasion, you should cut him plenty of slack.

And you should probably go out a bit more (assuming you enjoy it) yourself.

CarolDanvers · 06/04/2019 06:31

No you really, really can’t. Read NHS guidelines. OP was back by 9.30 from her “night out” no time for the alcohol to leave her system before breastfeeding unless her last drink was at 18.30. It’s not “perfectly fine” at all.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/breastfeeding-alcohol/

Original poster

MermaidTail7 · 06/04/2019 06:39

jellycatspyjamas that's a good point and I am going to talk to him later this morning, and explain that I genuinely hadn't realised he was struggling with the anniversary so much. I am also going to try and encourage him to go and see his sister as I think it might do them both good for different reasons..

I do think that DP is struggling to understand how much a massive change to your life having a baby is for the woman..in that I know it is a massive change for all active and responsible parents and (the failed bedtime notwithstanding) he is a good dad, but when I try to explain the in-built hormonal responses that impact a mum (like automatically lactating when your baby cries) he can be quite dismissive, but I know it's hard to appreciate unless you have experienced it yourself.

OP posts:

JustAWaferThinMint · 06/04/2019 06:39

That seems fairly clear that you can drink and BF. Just sensibly. If you are ok to drive, you are ok to BF, roughly speaking.

CarolDanvers · 06/04/2019 06:42

Yes, one drink two to three hours before is unlikely to harm your baby. That’s not the same as drinking and breastfeeding is “perfectly fine” though is it?

CarolDanvers · 06/04/2019 06:46

Sorry OP. I don’t mean to derail your thread. I will leave it there.

FWIW I would have been pissed off too. It does seem quite problematic. My ex H did this once or twice and then it gradually moved into a bit of a habit. It’s disorientating to wake up and discover your significant other has disappeared out on the lash when you thought they were there with you caring jointly for your child. Was probably a bit of a shock.

missiswhitworth · 06/04/2019 06:51

You are both adjusting to parenthood.
My DH and I had exactly the same thing, his absent, selfish DF suddenly dying when I was only just pregnant.
I didn't have many nights out either (although I wasn't breast feeding after 13 weeks and I got mashed on mine!). I also felt that I took on the lions share of the household and parenting responsibilities.
What I didn't know is that my bloke felt he was useless with DS compared to me and so left it to me. I hustled about muttering about having to do everything, he felt rubbish. He was also dealing with the death of his dad. The fact that he's just become a father meant that he thought differently about it all.. it made my bloke really sad about the father he should have had and he grieved not for what he'd lost, but for what could never be fixed. He was also dealing with 2 sisters who grieved through rose-tinted glasses.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you may just be dealing with an extra tough time. If everything else is ok, shove on through this. You need to know if you're going to be the one with the baby, it would be nice to be asked first. This is a tough time x

Original poster

MermaidTail7 · 06/04/2019 07:05

missiswhitworth thank you your situation does sound very similar to mine.. Even down to the reletives mourning with Rose tinted spectacles.

OP posts:

Karwomannghia · 06/04/2019 07:21

My dh’s f died and similarly there was very little emotional reaction. Very much buried. I’d say your dh felt pent up with emotions last night and couldn’t handle it other than to go and get pissed. Try and be understanding of him, he’s obviously struggling to recognise and deal with his feelings.

Innernutshell · 06/04/2019 07:24

DP did not have a great relationship with his DF, his parents seperated when he was young and his DF was pretty absent and unreliable.

Even if you never met or didn't know your father the grief attached to loss can be exactly the same as if he was a very loving father. The nature of their relationship might have a more detrimental impact on your DP - particularly given that he has recently become a father himself.

I'm not sure about his subsequent behaviour however I do feel YWBU to put your mums birthday ahead of his struggle with the death of his father - even though it is a year later he might not even have started or know how to look at all the associated emotions connected to his loss. [especially if he has been preoccupied with dealing with all the legal stuff.]

for you OP - babies are hard work too.

Eggsandavo · 06/04/2019 07:32

I get the points about being worried about him but I'd be absolutely FUMING that he didn't bother to let you know he was going. YANBU at all.

londonrach · 06/04/2019 07:39

Id be worried about him. Sounds like he is struggling with his df passing.

strawberrisc · 06/04/2019 07:43

YANBU about him leaving with no word but it does sound like, despite the lack of relationship with his Dad, he’s struggling to process the situation. Children always strive for a relationship with an absent parent. Now he has to come to terms with the fact that it will never happen.

BrylcreamBeret · 06/04/2019 07:48

He doesn't need to get pissed to mark the anniversary of his father passing. It's irresponsible and though less to leave without so much as a note even if he is grieving.

Cheby · 06/04/2019 07:49

CarolDanvers you’re completely wrong on the breastfeeding/drinking thing. You can be pretty much falling over drunk and there is still barely any alcohol in breastmilk. It’s at the same level as blood alcohol; sorry for the grim thought but if you drank the blood of someone who was pissed, do you think you would get pissed yourself?!

OP. Tbh, if my husband snuck out to go out in the middle of the night with no explanation, I would probably be worried about who he was with. Sorry. Did he go to meet mates?

Ragnarthe · 06/04/2019 07:51

I would be worried, not cross.
His father's death has affected him, even though he has acted like it hasn't.
Actually it can in some ways be very hard when an estranged parent dies because it closes the door on any possible reconciliation. The feelings of rejection are very difficult.

Original poster

MermaidTail7 · 06/04/2019 07:53

innernutshell I'm absolutely not putting my own mothers birthday above his father passing. His sister only decided she wanted to do something for the anniversary on Sunday on Thursday night. I immediately said I could go to my family thing and he could go to his sister and he said he didn't want to...

OP posts:

Fiveredbricks · 06/04/2019 08:05

@CarolDanvers yes you bloody can drink and bf. And I say that as a non drinker!

Do some bloody research. You'd have to drink about 45 glasses of wine for your breastmilk to contain even 1% alcohol ffs. After a couple of drinks your breastmilk has less alcohol in it than fresh orange juice 🙄

The issue with drinking and bf is baby safety - which is why you don't get pissed. But one or two drinks is not bad for breastfeeding and pumping and dumping is pointless.

Maybe try the Breastfeeding Network instead of outdated NHS "advice" - which by the way - a majority of women know is outdated - as they have done their research

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