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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this babysitting arrangement with friends

113 replies

Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 18:29

I’m annoyed about a babysitting arrangement and I’m sorry, but I need to give a (long) backstory for context.

Me, DH and our two kids live in London. Our extended families live in different parts of the UK, nowhere near London. Nonetheless, they try to help us out as much as they can and my mum, in particular, frequently comes to help with school holidays, etc.

Our closest friends (literally. They live around the corner) have a daughter the same age as our eldest (six) but their families live on the other side of the world, and they therefore get no support at all.

They have a long-standing babysitter, but we help out whenever we can by having their daughter for sleepovers if they want to go out. We recently had her for the weekend when they went away for their anniversary, and my mum has had all the kids (their daughter and our two) a few times to allow us to all have a night out or attend a wedding or similar. The girls are now at an age where it’s actually easier to look after them when they’re together, because aside from the odd spat, they entertain themselves.

However, while they occasionally have our daughter for the afternoon, she has never had a sleepover at theirs. This is because our kids get up early (around 6am, there seems no way to prevent this) and, fair enough, they don’t want to wake up then. Can’t blame them, cos I don’t either ! Just explaining this, because we have had their daughter sleep over countless times - she often gets left here if they come round for dinner, it goes on late, and she falls asleep with our two. We always let them sleep in until they’re ready to come and get her the next day. The reciprocal sleepovers stand at nil.

So...one of them is having a birthday lunch in a restaurant soon. It’s not a ‘special’ birthday, but he’s taken the notion to invite lots of our friends who have left London for more affordable climes. Loads of folk are coming, they’ve all arranged babysitters, and we’d been really looking forward to it.

There was WhatsApp chat about asking one of the women who works at the nursery all our kids attended/attend to babysit while we go for lunch, but when I spoke to her she had another commitment. Our friends were making noises at that point that their usual babysitter wasn’t likely to be available.

I thought we’d either find someone else the kids knew, or just bite the bullet and take them all with us (like I say, the girls are at an age where they’re not too difficult when they’re together.)

Today, I got a message to say they’d booked their usual babysitter, but as she’s recently been in hospital, probably not fair to ask her to look after more kid than one kid, so here’s a link to a babysitting website that charges £12/hr for up to three kids.

What I took from that was, ‘I’m alright jack. Sort yourselves out!’

If I’d been in their position, I’d have felt like it would be the decent thing to see if we could sort something out together still. I just wouldn’t have sorted out babysitting for our two and left them to it. I just would not have done it.

It’s really rankled with me!

In their defence, they have ‘rescued’ me a few times when I’ve been running late for nursery/school pickup, and there was a day last summer when I was puking and they looked after my kids for the day while DH was at work. I know if we were desperate, they would do whatever they could to help us out.

Should I say this has irked me, or should I stay schtum? I am annoyed, but I know I can get overly worked up about things. I equally hate confrontation, so when stuff like this comes up, I typically silently seethe for a bit and then get over it.

But AIBU to be annoyed? Am I a wet blanket if I say nothing, or would I be making a fuss over nothing if I mentioned it had pissed me off?

OP posts:
FascinatingCarrot · 05/04/2019 19:56

You're babysitting for more kids so other friends can go and you cant?
Lovely.
Knock the sleepovers on the head ( I'm sure you wont though) A day or two in an emergency is not a fair trade. Its cfuckery

Timewarpdancer · 05/04/2019 19:57

I suspect that when they hear your not going to the meal their own babysitter will fall through and they’ll use you for free childcare.

ourkidmolly · 05/04/2019 19:59

I think I'd just ask directly if your kids can stay the odd time. Big deal 6am start once in a blue moon compared to what they're receiving in return. But you really do need to ask. Then you'll exactly where you stand. If they say no, then pull up the drawbridge of your offers. I mean you've provided them with a whole weekend, that's major.

OffToBedhampton · 05/04/2019 20:02

I think @SavoyCabbage
has the measure of it.
YANBU to think friends are a bit 'I'm alright jack' and it's a bit uneven.

So, going forward, try to make it fairer. I'm sorry to hear you're in the position OP, that your friends are less accomodating than you and your Mum.

OffToBedhampton · 05/04/2019 20:03

I do hope they don't do what @Timewarpdancer thinks they might. I'd be unavailable that lunch if they did. "No sorry but DCs and I have plans .." because I'd think they were CFs if they asked in these circs!

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 20:04

Hollowvictory the problem I have is that, when we’ve been in a ‘going out en masse situation’ I’ve helped them out with childcare. I was summoned to try to source a sitter for this lunch. Then when she wasn’t available, they didn’t even talk to me before sorting themselves out. I thought we were in a ‘In this together’ situation, given we’d all like a sitter for that particular afternoon

And they think sending a link to a £12/hr babysitting agency makes that all ok!

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 05/04/2019 20:06

But their babysitter is recovering from hospital and can't look after your kids as well. So what is it you would have preferred your friend to do?

eddielizzard · 05/04/2019 20:07

I would also be pissed off.

So I would ask them to take your kids or at least your DD for a sleepover. That has to be addressed. And I wouldn't fall over myself quite so much to help out. Or at least stop offering.

I wouldn't say anything this time though. And I would look seriously at using the agency if you can possibly afford it. No point being a martyr. They may have a flash of guilt at your missing out, but equally may not. And then you'll be even more pissed off.

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 20:08

No, I know they won’t try to foist their DD on me now that I’m not going.

There is a secret , evil, part of me that would love it if their sitter let them down on the day though.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 05/04/2019 20:10

I suspect that when they hear your not going to the meal their own babysitter will fall through and they’ll use you for free childcare.

I suspect you are right!

How will you reply if they ask, OP??

Holidayshopping · 05/04/2019 20:11

No, I know they won’t try to foist their DD on me now that I’m not going.

How do you know?

Rtmhwales · 05/04/2019 20:11

Why are you babysitting for other friends attending this lunch? Why are you always the one who gets stuck with the kids?

I'd say no more sleepovers or babysitting - if they suggest their DD sleeps over just say it doesn't really work for you, unless they're willing to have the girls the following night? Ideally they'd take both your kids 1/3 of the time (so you do two sleep overs and they take both your DD and DS one time) so you and your DH could get some kid free time too but it sounds like they're not interested so I wouldn't be babysitting at all for them.

Maybe just reciprocal play dates during the day. They can wake their DD up and take her home.

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 20:12

I’d like to say I’d say, ‘soz, I’ve got too much on my plate,’ but I’d probably try to help them out.

They won’t cancel their sitter though. They’d only come to me if she let them down

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 05/04/2019 20:13

Imho for what it's worth I think you are overanalysing this whole thing and blowing it out of all proportion.

I would just get my own babysitter and then cut back on offer of help if you feel resentful.

7salmonswimming · 05/04/2019 20:13

Timewarpdancer - I agree. They've already said the babysitter is iffy/recovering from illness (probably accepted because one 6yo for a few hours shouldn't be difficult). But I could totally see them telling her that if it's too tricky for her she should say so, they'll find someone else (OP). That'll help their relationship with her (easygoing clients who don't push, understanding and "caring").

I'm really surprised you're staying at home to babysit other people's kids so they can go. You're facilitating their life at your expense. Not even being paid for it. I'd do this for my siblings and nieces and nephews, that's about it. None of my friends would dream of asking me to do this, it'd be so embarrassing for them to be out at something I'm invited to but couldn't go to PLUS I'm being their (unpair) babysitter?! CRINGE!

I have a sneaking suspicion that you offered ("yeah it's a bummer but we're skint this month anyway, can't afford a babysitter so we've decided only DH will go. I'll stay at home with the kids. Hey, why don't you drop yours off on the way?? They'll have fun together! Honestly, I don't mind!")

MargotLovedTom1 · 05/04/2019 20:14

You really are being a martyr! You said in your OP that everyone else had babysitters sorted, but now you're missing the lunch looking after 'one or two' other children as well as your own.
I suspect you wanted your friend to backtrack when you said you wouldn't be able to go and that didn't happen. If you were skint then the option of sharing a babysitter 2/3 to 1/3 and going to the lunch wouldn't have appealed but that's what you said you wanted your friends to do.

I think you need to be honest with yourself, and ask if you really are happy to do these sleepovers etc without reciprocation, as it seems there's a fair amount of resentment bubbling under the surface.

gamerchick · 05/04/2019 20:14

Plan is that DH goes to the lunch while I stay behind and look after our two, plus one or two of our friends kids (who also struggled to find a sitter)

Convenient, sure they won't shove their kid on you?

Well you'll be looking out for it now anyroad.

Drum2018 · 05/04/2019 20:17

*Thanks all, perspective is good!

Plan is that DH goes to the lunch while I stay behind and look after our two, plus one or two of our friends kids (who also struggled to find a sitter*

Why would you now take on other people's kids - don't be such a bloody doormat. Can you not get a minder from the agency suggested by your neighbour and see if they can mind your 2 and the other people's kids together to reduce costs?

When you have their dd over to sleep is it because they ask you or you invite her? There is no way I'd have any child to stay if they get up at 6am and in any case there is no reason for them to have your Ds. You need to stop having their child over to stay if it's causing you annoyance.

Onceuponacheesecake · 05/04/2019 20:18

I see it as two separate issues. Nothing wrong with them booking in their babysitter imo.

But never offering to have your daughter while happily having theirs stay at yours over and over is taking the piss. Can't you ask outright?

gamerchick · 05/04/2019 20:20

Well have your reply ready if they ask you for last minute babysitting for this thing.

'oooo we can all take the kids now and I can come'.

Sorted.

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 20:20

One other couple in the group (two-child family) is struggling re babysitting. They think her mum can take one of them, but they were looking for a solution that would mean they’d be child-free.

I offered to look after their two as we can’t really justify the cost of babysitter + lunches. We are a bit skint this month. Although we are fortunate to have some savings and if I hadn’t felt so narked by the situation, may have splurged for the opportunity of a child free lunch with old friends!

OP posts:
Caterina99 · 05/04/2019 20:21

I absolutely get why you’re a bit upset by it. But there’s a big difference between looking after a 6 year old (or 2 x 6 year olds that get on well) and a 3 year old too. Especially if the girls don’t want to play with him. I’m sure if it was just the girls then the babysitter would take them both, but presumably they don’t want to say that to you as you’re still stuck finding someone for the 3 year old anyway.

I do think they should be offering sleep overs for your eldest though. I wouldn’t have her again unless they reciprocate in some way

MargotLovedTom1 · 05/04/2019 20:21

Presumably it's been mentioned, as OP knows why they don't want to do it.

OffToBedhampton · 05/04/2019 20:24

But surely if the other friends' babysitter falls through, you can say "sure, let's go halves then so I can go as well like you, as my friends babysitter who is looking after hers fell through for me too!!" Or "great, you can have mine so I can go this time"

OffToBedhampton · 05/04/2019 20:27

Please don't be the one that loses out all the time OP as you help others but doesn't sound like help you to se extent! Yes a 3 yo is harder work, but I help my friend about all the time (I have 3, SP) and have same help offered back proportionately.