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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this babysitting arrangement with friends

113 replies

Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 18:29

I’m annoyed about a babysitting arrangement and I’m sorry, but I need to give a (long) backstory for context.

Me, DH and our two kids live in London. Our extended families live in different parts of the UK, nowhere near London. Nonetheless, they try to help us out as much as they can and my mum, in particular, frequently comes to help with school holidays, etc.

Our closest friends (literally. They live around the corner) have a daughter the same age as our eldest (six) but their families live on the other side of the world, and they therefore get no support at all.

They have a long-standing babysitter, but we help out whenever we can by having their daughter for sleepovers if they want to go out. We recently had her for the weekend when they went away for their anniversary, and my mum has had all the kids (their daughter and our two) a few times to allow us to all have a night out or attend a wedding or similar. The girls are now at an age where it’s actually easier to look after them when they’re together, because aside from the odd spat, they entertain themselves.

However, while they occasionally have our daughter for the afternoon, she has never had a sleepover at theirs. This is because our kids get up early (around 6am, there seems no way to prevent this) and, fair enough, they don’t want to wake up then. Can’t blame them, cos I don’t either ! Just explaining this, because we have had their daughter sleep over countless times - she often gets left here if they come round for dinner, it goes on late, and she falls asleep with our two. We always let them sleep in until they’re ready to come and get her the next day. The reciprocal sleepovers stand at nil.

So...one of them is having a birthday lunch in a restaurant soon. It’s not a ‘special’ birthday, but he’s taken the notion to invite lots of our friends who have left London for more affordable climes. Loads of folk are coming, they’ve all arranged babysitters, and we’d been really looking forward to it.

There was WhatsApp chat about asking one of the women who works at the nursery all our kids attended/attend to babysit while we go for lunch, but when I spoke to her she had another commitment. Our friends were making noises at that point that their usual babysitter wasn’t likely to be available.

I thought we’d either find someone else the kids knew, or just bite the bullet and take them all with us (like I say, the girls are at an age where they’re not too difficult when they’re together.)

Today, I got a message to say they’d booked their usual babysitter, but as she’s recently been in hospital, probably not fair to ask her to look after more kid than one kid, so here’s a link to a babysitting website that charges £12/hr for up to three kids.

What I took from that was, ‘I’m alright jack. Sort yourselves out!’

If I’d been in their position, I’d have felt like it would be the decent thing to see if we could sort something out together still. I just wouldn’t have sorted out babysitting for our two and left them to it. I just would not have done it.

It’s really rankled with me!

In their defence, they have ‘rescued’ me a few times when I’ve been running late for nursery/school pickup, and there was a day last summer when I was puking and they looked after my kids for the day while DH was at work. I know if we were desperate, they would do whatever they could to help us out.

Should I say this has irked me, or should I stay schtum? I am annoyed, but I know I can get overly worked up about things. I equally hate confrontation, so when stuff like this comes up, I typically silently seethe for a bit and then get over it.

But AIBU to be annoyed? Am I a wet blanket if I say nothing, or would I be making a fuss over nothing if I mentioned it had pissed me off?

OP posts:
Cailindeas35 · 05/04/2019 19:10

I wonder if the situation was the other way round and you had got a babysitter only for your children? How would that go down with them? I suspect not very well, leaving aside who the lunch is for.
They have also taken advantage of your mum babysitting and not returned the favour unless you were I'll.

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 19:10

It’s the fact that they didn’t for a moment stop to think about the fact we were babysitterless, and then suggested we should bring our kids when, in not bringing their daughter, it makes life harder for us coz our DD will be upset she’s without her friend.

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom1 · 05/04/2019 19:11

That was to Holiday.

MargotLovedTom1 · 05/04/2019 19:15

Just say to them "Do you fancy booking the agency sitter instead and splitting accordingly because the girls usually like to be together?" They'll be paying someone, whichever way it goes.

SavoyCabbage · 05/04/2019 19:16

Not as upset as their dd will be when she realises that your two are going out for one of her parents birthdays and she isn’t surely!

PuppyMonkey · 05/04/2019 19:18

Sorry, I’m not sure I’m understanding you correctly about the sleepovers OP - are you saying because their DD has often slept over at yours, you think BOTH your kids should be invited to sleep over at theirs? The youngest one as well?Confused

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 19:22

To the PP who said that as a babysitter, they’d be pissed off at having extra families landed on them, I’d never go into a babysitting arrangement where all costs and parameters hadn’t been agreed beforehand. It’s irrelevant anyway, as their sitter can’t do more than one child.

PuppyMonkey of course I’m not saying they should take BOTH my kids. I’m saying they’ve never once taken one of them!

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 05/04/2019 19:24

Phew, sorry. Just got confused when you said it was because your kids get up at 6am.

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 19:25

For a sleepover, that is. They took them both that day I was ill.

And I was ever so grateful.

Interesting though that many think the fact that they are the players in regards to the birthday is significant. I hadn’t really considered that...

OP posts:
Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 19:26

Puppy yes, alas, they both get up at six, so I suppose we’d be fucked even if they did take one of them!

OP posts:
DanglyBangly · 05/04/2019 19:26

I think you’re right to be annoyed but then it sounds like a longstanding friendship that’s been working really well. This is ONE incident, where they’ve gotten it wrong. I’d overlook it, personally, and move on.

If it started to become a pattern, that’s a different matter.

MRex · 05/04/2019 19:26

I'd feel a bit hard done by as well. If you've had their DD multiple times they it would only be fair for them to take both yours to give you one night and morning as a lie-in really.

On babysitting for the lunch, I think PP's suggestion of just asking them to split an agency sitter would work best.

lyralalala · 05/04/2019 19:39

Tbh if they not usually thoughtless I'd assume they'd asked their usual babysitter about having more than their DD and they'd said no.

7salmonswimming · 05/04/2019 19:40

I think the fundamental problem is that you view your friendship in different ways. I find this often happens between one-child families and multiple-children families.

In my experience, one-child couples tend to have a few short years of limited freedom, but as soon as they're over they're back to a more child-free social life than parents of multiple children. It's because they can and, frankly, is a great reason to only have one child!

Meanwhile, multiple-child parents have more years of curtailed freedom, are much more used to juggling and accommodating, and are more likely to be of the view that one more child won't change anything (can actually make life easier, as you say).

I've found this to be the root cause of a few oddities over the years. It's not good or bad, it's just the way it is.

I'd bear this in mind when you decide what to do.

shiningstar2 · 05/04/2019 19:41

You ...and your mother seem to have done more than your fair share op.
You do sleepovers for their dd but they don't do sleepovers for you. They have helped you out when you have been ill on work days.

I wonder does the fact that you have 2 and they have one make a difference? How old is your second child? 2 six year olds, for example, playing together, can be very different to an extra one year old...for example.

Of course your other child might be older and in any event you are doing more and I do think they might have given you more consideration for this lunch. I would certainly pull back on the babysitting and asking your mum. They will lose out more than you.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 05/04/2019 19:42

As a mum of 3 it is really hard to get a babysitter willing to take on more then 2 children!

It sounds like they asked if she would be willing to have 3 but the babysitter is not comfortable.

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 19:43

Thanks all, perspective is good!

Plan is that DH goes to the lunch while I stay behind and look after our two, plus one or two of our friends kids (who also struggled to find a sitter)

I’ll catch up with everyone after the lunch.
We are skint this month, so that’s definitely the most cost effective option.

And I’ll suck it up and not mention it bothered me.

OP posts:
DogHairEverywhere · 05/04/2019 19:44

I can sort of see where you're coming from, but I think if I were in the position of your friend, I would probably have just gone ahead and booked my regular baby sitter, knowing that my DD would be happy and comfortable with her. I know it seems to you that she has an 'I'm alright' attitude, but when you're trying to sort out babysitters, you just do what you know will work for you own child. It's not as though you'd previously agreed that you would hire a babysitter for all 3 of them and split the cost.
As a separate matter I think you hosting their DD for countless unreciprocated sleepovers is very cheeky on their part and I would be asking if they could have both of mine on occasion. Sort of you do 2 sleepovers for their DD and they do 1 for your 2.

Margot33 · 05/04/2019 19:45

I think don't say anything because they haven't actually done anything wrong. But don't forget it. I think you need to reevaluate what you're prepared to do. If it were me I'd stop having the friend's girl sleepover. If you go out together tell her its not fair to ask your mum to babysit four children so its best to source her own. Still help each other out in terms of emergencies and keep the friendship going. Just no more sleepovers. If pressed just say you're not sleeping well so cant have a sleepover.

SunshineCake · 05/04/2019 19:48

I'd let it go but I'd knock the sleepovers on the head for a bit. They might get the issue then…

RhiWrites · 05/04/2019 19:48

I think the problem is you feel you’ve gone out of your way for them and they don’t reciprocate.

The solution is to go out of your way a little less.

But I think you were unreasonable to say “in that case I won’t go to the meal” 1 whole babysitter is not likely to cost much more than 2/3rds of one,

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 19:50

My second child is a three year old boy. When the girls get together they have very little tolerance for him!

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 05/04/2019 19:52

I'm. Not seeing the problem. Their babysitter is unable to look after your kids. So you need to arrange your own.

Hollowvictory · 05/04/2019 19:53

I'd also like to know what you would suggest as an acceptable solution to you?

Original poster
Babayaggatheboneylegged · 05/04/2019 19:53

I’m not going to the meal because everyone else has a babysitter, so I don’t want to bring my two (inc DD who will complain at length that her friend isn’t there) and pay for two pricey lunches that we won’t enjoy because, kids.

OP posts:
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