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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should take my alcohol issue seriously?

27 replies

LellowYedbetter · 04/04/2019 20:11

I posted on here a few days ago about being concerned at the amount I drink. Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday I drink between 5-7 cans per night.

I have decided to get my act together, starting with tonight.

I told DH of my concern and told him I wanted to stop drinking, especially on Thursday and Sunday nights but also Friday and Saturday if I can manage it. He agreed to support me. I asked him not to offer me any drinks tonight. (It’s harder to resist temptation if someone is actually offering you them).

6.30pm comes around and he offers me a can as he cracks one open for himself 🤨 I decline. He has two more and then asks if I want one. I decline. I’ve just come to sit in living room to find a beer sitting on the coffee table (in front of where I sit) waiting to be opened. I say to DH “why is there a beer on the coffee table?” And he replies “I got it for you”. NOW I’m tempted.

I’m still trying to resist but it’s just got a whole lot harder. Why is he trying to encourage me to drink??

OP posts:
sodonesooverit · 04/04/2019 20:12

Because if you have an issue then he has to confront the fact he has an issue too

CatToddlerUprising · 04/04/2019 20:13

Does your DH have alcohol issues too?

Loopytiles · 04/04/2019 20:14

From your other thread it seems likely that your H too has an alcohol problem. He is unlikely to be willing or able to assist you. It will be harder for you to address your own problem while living with him.

AppleJuiceFlood · 04/04/2019 20:14

He’s encouraging you because it means he doesn’t have to address his own drinking.

Be strong, you can do it. If you show him you’re not going to back down he might eventually join you. 💐

BloodsportForAll · 04/04/2019 20:14

Sounds like he has an issue and doesn't want to stop, and that if you cut down or stop, that you will see him for what he is.

bigchris · 04/04/2019 20:16

It's a codependent relationship, Is it good apart from this issue?

Missnearlyvintage · 04/04/2019 20:17

I agree with the other posters. Do this for you and feel proud of your achievements regardless of his support or lack of.

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 04/04/2019 20:19

I’m sorry that he isn’t being supportive. You’re going to be doing this on your own. But you want to do it and that is the most important thing. He doesn’t want to do it and so can’t and won’t.

Marshmallow91 · 04/04/2019 20:24

Take the can, open it and pour it straight down the sink.

Tell him you'll be doing that every time he even offers you something.

And when he's sober you need to have a frank discussion about keeping any alcohol in the house.

Well done you for taking these first steps Flowers

gamerchick · 04/04/2019 20:29

Because if you have an issue then he has to confront the fact he has an issue too

Yep ^^

I second taking the can and pouring it down the sink. Tell him every time he gives you one it's going to waste.

Original poster
LellowYedbetter · 04/04/2019 20:30

I’ve cracked open a chocolate orange instead. Might not be much better for me but it won’t give me a hangover :-) the beer is still sat there unopened on the coffee table

OP posts:
BigBairyHollocks · 04/04/2019 20:31

Pour the can down the sink.You don’t need it,you can do this.

WonderTweek · 04/04/2019 20:31

You can do this. It does sound like he has issues with alcohol as well. Could you ask him if he remembers what you talked about, and tell him that you really want to do this? Perhaps he didn't think you were that serious? Just take one evening at a time - you'll feel good for it.

JaneEyre07 · 04/04/2019 20:32

Yes agree with the PPs about tipping it away.

And make a point of doing so every time he gives you a drink.

SummerInSun · 04/04/2019 20:33

Well done to you for tackling this. If you are used to drinking so much at these times, is there something else you could get to drink instead, so you still have something in your hands / to sip / to stop you feeling thirsty. Sparkling water with a squeeze of lemon or lime? Herbal tea? Then your husband can still get you a beverage, just not an alcoholic one?

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 04/04/2019 20:33

Control.

He is trying to show you you are weak and can’t resist because if you stop drinking he is scared you will make him stop or will leave him.

Resist op. You have done brilliantly so far. No on ever regretted not drinking.

Some helpful support here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3548949-Tryers-to-be-dryers-spring-into-spring-not-as-much-wine-beer-or-gin-We-sow-our-seeds-of-hope-for-a-dryer-season-but-if-we-drink-its-for-a-reason

Original poster
LellowYedbetter · 04/04/2019 20:35

I bought non alcoholic beer a few weeks ago, I might try that again tomorrow night as it’s friday and Saturdays that I will struggle the most. The chocolate orange is helping tonight, I know beer would taste awful after chocolate orange

OP posts:
pineapplebryanbrown · 04/04/2019 20:35

It's very undermining of him to do that, relationships undergo a big shift when one partner goes teetotal.

Goingbananasagain · 04/04/2019 20:36

This is MIL and FIl. They have enabled each other addiction for years.

FIL ended up in hospital because of drinking and MIL’s main worry was when he would be discharged because they were due to go on an all inclusive holiday and, because the booze was free, whether he’d be allowed to drink on the medication he was being given 😕.

Don’t be these people.

myidentitymycrisis · 04/04/2019 20:37

Can you change your routine a bit? I mean if you usually sit in front of the tv at this time, go off and have a bath/pamper or something different and have an early night. I find this helps when I’m trying to change a pattern of behaviour

Frouby · 04/04/2019 20:38

I feel for you OP.

I am trying to reduce the amount I drink. Dh likes a few beers mon to fri after work. It's twice as difficult to not drink if someone else is. Added to that I find dh incredibly annoying when he has had beer and I am stone cold sober.

I have sundays cracked now. And saturdays I can take it or leave it. Monday to Thursday I should be alcohol free and would be if it wasn't for dh drinking those days.

But my relationship with alcohol and the amount I drink are purely down to me. I can diet or eat healthy without dh doing the same. I stopped smoking while dh continued. So alcohol should be easy in comparison.

I just need to control it myself. And want to control it. Which I will eventually do. I just have to want to enough. We have a long running thread in Alcohol, called Tryers to Be Dryers. Come and find us if you want a funny, chatty supportive thread for reducing alcohol. We have ups and downs but we all want to be dryer.

purplealiensdontwearhats · 04/04/2019 20:59

The chocolate orange is a good idea. No ones ever done anything daft whilst under the influence of a chocolate orange. Although I have seen someone assaulted with one (it got thrown at them and they got a black eye).
Seriously, I was where you are last year, drank far too much. I’ve managed to pull it right back so know it’s not easy.
Well done , keep it up 😃

Beancounter1 · 04/04/2019 21:03

I second SummerInSun - have a non-alcoholic drink in your hand or on the coffee table every evening. Next time you go shopping, buy some nice ones - juices, sparkling fruit drinks, good coffee, whatever you fancy. Don't worry about the cost - they are almost certainly cheaper than all the beer. An absolutely key strategy for cutting down on alcohol is to substitute with other nicer drinks. You can also then tell him you already have something to drink, thanks.

Limezested · 04/04/2019 21:06

Good for you! Stay strong it will be worth it

ASauvignonADay · 04/04/2019 21:07

Chocolate orange sounds a great idea

A friends of mine has recently started some counselling (or poss CBT?) through the NHS for her drinking issues. She's finding it so useful. Would be worth speaking to your Gp 🙂

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