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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being called a martyr

31 replies

Sunbo · 04/04/2019 15:28

My MIL called me a martyr, aibu to be offended?

She said I am a martyr because I don’t do anything for myself, don’t have any interests/hobbies. My main focus is my family.

I have 2 young boys (2 and 6) who keep me very busy and I have a part time job.

I have never really had hobbies tho, just that before kids it was easier to go out for meals, drinks, cinema etc. I am happy in my marriage and so don’t complain about my life, but her comments have made me realise that I do prioritise my kids over anything else and spend most of my time trying to do the best for them....is this wrong? Does this make me a martyr?

I do feel my life revolves around my children to some extent but I honestly thought that this is just how it is when you become a mum and certainly with young children who can be quite demanding. I feel annoyed with myself that her comments are now making me question how I am living my life and if I am a ‘martyr’.

OP posts:
Didntwanttochangemyname · 04/04/2019 15:32

You sound like a mother, not a martyr. You'd be a martyr if you complain about it all the time but don't accept any help.

notharryssally · 04/04/2019 15:33

A martyr would complain about all that and never accept help. If that's not the case for you, you're not a martyr. 🤷🏼‍♀️

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2019 15:35

It depends. Are you facilitating everyone else's life while not prioritising your own? Do you want to go out but don't while your partner has hobbies, nights out and similar without a thought? Will you struggle when the children get older? Have you stopped being a person and are just a mother?

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 04/04/2019 15:37

Yup, you'd be a martyr if you were doing all you are and complaining about it or being passive aggressive about it.

My DM is a martyr, moans constantly about my dad but won't have a conversation with him about it!

WeeDangerousSpike · 04/04/2019 15:39

You're not a martyr.

My DGM is a martyr. I love her dearly, but Ffs.

She refuses to take pain killers and complians she's in pain. She refuses to do physio and complains she can't move. She refuses to wear her hearing aids and complains she cant hear anything.

She actively chooses to be miserable and complains no one does anything to make her happy (we do, she just refuses to engage or accept any help)

That's a martyr.

floribunda18 · 04/04/2019 15:42

Being a martyr is running around doing unasked for things and then moaning endlessly about it. It doesn't sound like you are doing that and are happy as you are. I've always had hobbies and wanted some time for myself but DH has never had a hobby. Everyone is different.

PositiveVibez · 04/04/2019 15:42

As long as you're not complaining about your life or having to do so much, then I don’t see how you can be a martyr.

If you were all 'woe is me', tgen never accepted any help, that would be being a martyr

colehawlins · 04/04/2019 15:44

I would suspect that she herself wasn't a very engaged mother, (lots of babysitters and socialising when her own child/ren were young) and native she feels guilty or defensive about it, and so she's criticising you to justify her own approach.

colehawlins · 04/04/2019 15:44

"Maybe", not "native" 🙄.

MyKingdomForBrie · 04/04/2019 15:46

My MIL calls me a martyr sometimes but she means because I do all the work myself and am reluctant to accept help - in my case it's a bad habit because I'm a bit controlling about how things are done, so she's right! I don't moan though and she doesn't feel like I do so I don't think it necessarily means a moaner..

HeathRobinson · 04/04/2019 15:49

You're not a martyr because you don't complain.

But you are important too! Even if you don't want a hobby, you could go to the cinema once a week/evening course or similar. Get mil to babysit.

Original poster
Sunbo · 04/04/2019 15:49

Colehawlins - that is exactly what my DH has said to me. He and his brother went to his grandparents every weekend when he was young so his parents could play sport / socialise etc. So I guess my MIL just doesn’t understand that I prefer to hang out with my kids on the weekend rather than do things just for myself.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 04/04/2019 15:59

Definitely not a martyr, but as someone who myself pretty much centred my dd as she was growing up, it can have a downside in their development.

As your children grow up, they need to see you as someone with a life outside the home and family. It is not good for them to believe that their mother is just there to serve them, especially if they are boys.

SilverySurfer · 04/04/2019 16:00

Of course you're not a martyr but perhaps you could think about slotting some 'me' time into your schedule so you don't lose sight of the fact that you are more than a wife and mother.

It may be a long way off but at some point your children will fly the nest - what will you do then?

Runmybathforme · 04/04/2019 16:08

You don’t sound like a martyr, just very involved with your young children. Might be an idea to spread your wings a little. My children spent one night a month at their Grandparents, developed to a whole weekend as they got older. It was brilliant, gave DH and I some alone time, and meant the children had a close, loving relationship with their Grandparents.

MrsKipling1980 · 04/04/2019 16:13

I don't think you sound like a martyr. Maybe she was trying to encourage you to have some "me" time but didn't word it correctly.

My MIL is a martyr. She stays over at my BIL & SIL's house and complains when she gets back that she HAD to do laundry, cook, iron, child mind. What she means is she OFFERES to do it to make herself look good then resents it when she arrives home exhausted. Yet she continues to do it time and time again.

Sculpin · 04/04/2019 16:20

Ignore her, OP. It's none of her business as long as you're happy.

You may well find that you naturally start to find more time for yourself as your kids get older. Like you, I am the kind of person who always puts my kids first, but DH and I have both gone back to hobbies in the last 5 years or so (youngest is now 9).

Shadycorner · 04/04/2019 16:28

It's never a kind thing to say.

gamerchick · 04/04/2019 16:32

It's fine to an extent when they're little. But bigger picture wise what if you suddenly weren't there for a spell? Say hospital admission? Would they cope without you being there?

I also think it's good for kids to see their parents have some sort of life that doesn't include them. There is of course the point where they won't want to spend all their time with you but that's way away yet.

Original poster
Sunbo · 04/04/2019 16:41

Thanks for the replies and advice.

I probably go out with friends for the eve every 2 months and with my DH on a ‘date’ every 6 weeks or so.

I am conscious that I don’t want my kids to see me as just ‘mum’ but at the same time my preference is to spend time with them when they are young. Eldest is at school in the week and my youngest goes to nursery on the days I work.

When they are older and more independent then I am happy to go out more then with my friends and DH.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/04/2019 16:49

I think you should tell your MIL to mind her own fucking business.

Shadycorner · 04/04/2019 16:52

Why don't you say that to her op?

"It's my preference to spend as much time as I can with the DC while they're young.

Do you hear me complaining?"

And don't start second guessing yourself. Flowers

Tealtights · 04/04/2019 17:02

Honestly, yes I call (in my head, not actual people as I have social skills, just not online apparently ha) people who revolve their lives around their kids mummy martyrs (as it's usually the mum!) it is perfectly possible, and healthy, to have a life of your own, commit time to your marriage etc. That said I don't have hobbies as there's nothing of interest to me, but I do carve time for myself, for DH etc. I am not defined by motherhood. I guess like others say if you're not complaining about it then perhaps martyr isn't the appropriate label but I guess just reflect if there is something you can do for yourself sometime, it's good for children to see parents participating in self care, however you interpret that.

And I'm engaged with my kids Wink

Tealtights · 04/04/2019 17:08

That says she needs to be told to bugger off!

FrenchJunebug · 04/04/2019 17:20

you are not a martyr if you do not complain but I am a mum and my whole life doesn't revolves around me kid. It's a choice.