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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH taking nearly all SPL

71 replies

SPLhelp · 04/04/2019 09:08

TTC, I run my own business and have 8 members of staff. I cannot see how I could manage to take ML without the business suffering.

DH works in the NHS and could take SPL.

I feel although this is an amazing opportunity for him, I would be missing out. I don’t really have any local friend (we relocated a couple of years ago and building the business has been my priority). I hoped maternity leave would be an opportunity for me to meet other local mums and make friends. Not really relevant but DH has quite a lot of local friends he has made through work/football/gym etc. I worry that he would struggle with SPL, I have one friend who’s DH who took it in London. He found that most of the activities were mum & baby and whilst he was welcomed he was the only dad and not really included - it was only after 6 months he discovered a great dads club. I worry that if he struggled in London how mine would cope here.

I don’t know any other family that have used SPL.

I guess my AIBU is around having a very short ML - will I manage, will DH manage, pretty sure baby will be fine. And AIBU to feel a bit resentful that I’m not going to have much time with my baby?

Has anyone taken SPL and how dad they find it?

OP posts:

Hugtheduggee · 04/04/2019 12:48

We did similar to you, though I took 3 months off as well at the start.

It was fine, and honestly I think it would be a sad waste of opportunity for your partner not to take spl, and for you to get a nanny, even putting aside that it would be horribly patronising and disempowering to him to do so.

If you do spl, you have go into it as equals. You aren't there to manage his friendships, or doubt whether he'd cope, or micromanage him, or his days. I know you dont mean that badly, but can you imagine the grilling a bloke would get on here if he suggested having a nanny rather than mum taking maternity leave as she might not cope!!

Equally, you can support him in trying to make friends, and pointing him in the right direction, but his social life whilst on pat leave is as much his business to sort as it would be yours on mat leave. If he wants friends, he'll have to take the initiative.

For what its worth, my partner made plenty of 'mum friends' and often met/meets up with them for a playdate or coffee. Just because most baby groups are run by women and mostly used by women doesnt mean men cant go. Unless something specifically says women only (which is pretty rare, and needs to be justified imo) then he should just book on like anyone else.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 04/04/2019 12:54

It would have killed me to have this setup. I think everyone is different and parents differently but I would have been utterly devastated to go back to work and have my husband look after the baby. I know needs must and maybe it's very spoiled of me to take this view but I just want to be honest because I think the urge not to leave your baby might be a lot more powerful than you realise.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/04/2019 13:04

We have discussed me doing 2/3 days a week whilst he is on SPL so we are both off together for a bit.

That sounds like a fair compromise...?

Anon10 · 04/04/2019 13:04

Def don’t wait OP. You are in your late thirties and fertility declines rapidly after 35, but even more so after 38. So many people I know waited until then and then struggled with IVF or ended up childless. It’s never the right time. It’s never perfect. If you are happy in your relationship and have a stable roof over your head, don’t wait.
I personally think it’s very hard to be away from baby once they arrive but everyone is different. I have had long maternity leaves and would have found it very difficult going back early. Although I do know friends who have coped well with only 6-7 months mat leave. Also are you planning to breastfeed? I wouldn’t worry about making friends on mat leave though. It’s possible to make lasting friendships, but it can be quite temporary too, and I don’t think that’s what mat leave is about really. The question is more about how you will feel spending time away from your baby and if you will feel comfortable with this or if you will regret missing that time. Whatever you do, don’t wait.

mirime · 04/04/2019 13:18

I made no friends on ML. Don't assume it will happen.

waterrat · 04/04/2019 13:38

I know people will say this is sexist - and there will be examples of women who went back after 8 weeks - but I could not have left my baby at that age.

I was also up half the night (more than half the night) breastfeeding.

If you are breastfeeding - how will you feel being up all night then handing the baby to your husband and going off to work - I just think there are some huge difficulties with men doing the early months care.

waterrat · 04/04/2019 13:40

HOWEVER _ I should add that I do think using a nanny over dad is wrong.

He will create a bond that will help him as a father for life - he will be a better partner and husband because he will 'get it' and understand how childcare works.

I don't think there is anything wrong with him being the carer - I just think you will really really not want to hand your baby over day in day out.

HeathRobinson · 04/04/2019 13:41

I thought part of the original reason for Maternity Leave was to enable the woman to rest and recover?

M3lon · 04/04/2019 13:41

water its not sexist to point out that men don't breastfeed...

BUT I do think a lot more is made of that than is really an issue. I guess you can't know what it will be like for you and your child....but BF and pumping were very easy for me and therefore going back to work wasn't an obstacle. I guess if it had been harder we'd probably just have switched to formula 2.5 years earlier...

M3lon · 04/04/2019 13:41

heath with a newborn? Pull the other one!

fedupandlookingforchange · 04/04/2019 13:51

I’m self employed and basically left my mother to run my business whilst off on maternity leave. It would have been a struggle to go back to work after a couple of months as I was exhausted from a rotten birth and DS doesn’t like sleep. You can do 10 kit days so that might help you. If you have a quiet time of year you can try and plan for that time ( my DS wasn’t planned and arrived in the busy time).
Generally I’ve found people very understanding and after ML I took DS with me to work mostly.

HeathRobinson · 04/04/2019 13:54

@M3lon - Eh?

LannieDuck · 04/04/2019 13:55

Do what works for you as a couple.

Many of my friends have taken SPL and it worked great for them. Really helpful to have both parents involved in the early baby care - both parents them fully capable of childcare, and understanding of what it involves (relentless etc).

SEsofty · 04/04/2019 13:57

And not to put a downer on things but no point stressing until you actually conceive. It’s not always as straightforward as one hopes

Yura · 04/04/2019 14:01

We did that. no problems.
With my oldrst, i took 12 weeks (most countries have much shorter maternity leave than the uk), then 2 month of half/half with my husband (annual leave), then 3 days nursery/2 days daddy. he was fully breastfed (breastfeeding at night is much easier than bottles if you get a co-sleeping crib). nonisdues

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/04/2019 14:50

Thank you Jessie

Much obliged.

StarlingsEverywhere · 04/04/2019 15:12

Sadly the downside of being the higher earner is that it makes more sense for the lower earner to do the bulk of the childcare - if one of you has to lose your wage, it makes no financial sense for it to be the higher earner.

Original poster

SPLhelp · 04/04/2019 17:24

Thanks for all your comments. I appreciate it will probably be tough and going back to work after 8/10 weeks will be hard but it’s great to hear that SPL has worked this way for some of you. I know there will be obstacles and I guess we will have to find solutions.

It’s a shame that there isn’t a bigger take up of SPL. I’m sure I wouldn’t be worrying as much if it was more common. As it is, I do feel I will be judged for going back to work so quickly and I am sure DH will be judged for taking 9 months off even if it is best for us as a family. The NHS have just changed their policy they are now offering enhanced SPL at the same rates as ML so it might start to be more common especially if other large employers follow their lead.

OP posts:

Isitteayourlookingfor · 04/04/2019 17:38

Mum friends are overrated, you only need to look at the threads on here to see that.
I think you are worrying unnecessarily and think it would be great for your dp to take spl. It will save you on childcare and running around doing drop offs etc.
Life at home isn’t always a bed of roses with a small baby so I actually liked going to work for a rest

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/04/2019 17:46

Hi OP

We shared paternity leave, I did the majority of it and my husband did 3 months

I hung out with my nct group a bit but as soon as we went back to work we lost touch. I did a couple of other groups but don't make any real friends.

My husband went to the same groups when I stopped, I think it depends which ones you go to we did baby gym and swimming and there were always dads there. I did one that was mainly singing etc for a few weeks and this was just women. We live in a fairly good area and I think this may make a difference - most women return to work and lots of dads do condensed or reduced hours as well and do groups. I'm sure if you search local patents Facebook groups you'll find groups with dads. If you want to make friends though classes for yourself though this will obviously be harder if he takes the majority of leave however it's not always a given that it happens. You could always do nct or pregnancy yoga in the evenings etc and make some friends before the baby comes instead

Amummyatlast · 04/04/2019 18:26

We did this back when it was additional paternity leave (with APL you basically had to swap, with the mum going back to work after at least 6 months and the partner taking over). It worked out brilliantly, with DH becoming the SAHP in the end, because he loved it so much. I was hankering to go back after 3 months, so it certainly suited us as individuals. And I don’t think I missed anything - it was me that heard her first word (Daddy of course) and me that saw her first steps.

DH went to a lot of the toddler groups and is well recognised in the school yard, with a number of mums to talk to. It also helped that we did NCT, because they ‘adopted’ DH when I went back to work and invited him on days out and coffee mornings. I know it doesn’t work this way for everyone, but it’s our NCT group that became our friends, rather than random people met at groups,

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