DH taking nearly all SPL

[SPLhelp]

TTC, I run my own business and have 8 members of staff. I cannot see how I could manage to take ML without the business suffering.

DH works in the NHS and could take SPL.

I feel although this is an amazing opportunity for him, I would be missing out. I don’t really have any local friend (we relocated a couple of years ago and building the business has been my priority). I hoped maternity leave would be an opportunity for me to meet other local mums and make friends. Not really relevant but DH has quite a lot of local friends he has made through work/football/gym etc. I worry that he would struggle with SPL, I have one friend who’s DH who took it in London. He found that most of the activities were mum & baby and whilst he was welcomed he was the only dad and not really included - it was only after 6 months he discovered a great dads club. I worry that if he struggled in London how mine would cope here.

I don’t know any other family that have used SPL.

I guess my AIBU is around having a very short ML - will I manage, will DH manage, pretty sure baby will be fine. And AIBU to feel a bit resentful that I’m not going to have much time with my baby?

Has anyone taken SPL and how dad they find it?

Thanks no squirrels, I think maybe I am over thinking it. I’m just worried I won’t manage going back to work so soon and DH won’t enjoy it.

DH is really supportive of me, and as pp have said it’s an easy decision for me to go back after a few weeks 3 days a week. DH is really looking forward to having 9 months SPL, I am just not sure he has really appreciated how isolated he could be. He has a busy social life and an intensive job - the only man I know who has done SPL had a bad experience like onestepsideways. I think DH has it an idealised view of going for walks in the park, followed by a coffee with a newspaper and the reality is more likely to be looking after a grizzly baby with not much of a support network because all his friends will be working and all the clubs round here are for mums.

I think you need to separate a few different issues here.

First, your business. You are the boss, which is great as you call the shots and have nobody dictating your hours physically in the office or your working arrangements. You just need to make sure that your employees feel happy (so paid on time, good flow of work, admin up to scratch, pleasant working environment, you being available to them when needed) and that the work keeps coming in. You say that the business would not survive you taking the time off, but it is good business practice to think about contingency and succession planning anyway- what if you had an accident tomorrow? You’ll have all your TTC time plus pregnancy to start doing some succession planning, maybe training up one of the staff to deputise your role.

Then there is caring for your baby during the first year of his or her life. Have you sorted out in your own mind how you feel about breastfeeding? This is not the place to discuss the arguments for and against, you’ll find endless resources elsewhere for that. Breastfeeding adds a whole extra logistical element to the arrangement that you need to take into account. Other than bf, your husband should have no problem with any of the rest of it and, as others have said, if he is willing then it seems better for him to do it than to employ a nanny.

Don’t forget however that you might feel you are missing out on bonding with your baby/toddler if he does the lion’s share. Yes, millions of Dads work full time and bond with their babies excellently but I think that the parent who is at home would usually agree that they have enjoyed the opportunity for so much time with their child. That said, with you being the boss it looks like you could have best if both worlds by working less than full time while DH is the main carer.

Then there is your idea that maternity leave will help you make friends. I can only speak from my own experience but I found that to be a myth. We made a few friends at NCT classes and I hung out with some of them after the baby was born and they are still friends. However, despite going to all sorts of baby groups and classes I barely ever got to more than nodding acquaintance level with any other parents. Yes, the odd coffee or lunch straight after a class but not even to the point of swapping phone numbers, and people usually tend to rush straight off. And I am a sociable and gregarious person living in an area with loads of baby activities. The reason that you don’t end up just hanging out with Mum mates all the time is simple- the babies get in the way . They are all on slightly different routines so choosing meet up times is hard, one will always be sick/grouchy and need to be taken home or never make the meet up in the first place, or it is nap time, or someone has a clinic appointment or some other baby (or older sibling) logistical commitment and then as they get older and start to crawl you can’t have a flowing conversation as they need to be supervised too closely. On the other hand I absolutely loved just pottering about, me and DS, doing our own thing on our own timetable at home or the shops or in classes and more of the same with DH all three of us at weekends. For me having a baby was a time to contract my social circle, not expand it. The baby was much more interesting than I expected and kept me much more amused than chatting over coffee with women I barely knew. However I did (still do) have a very lovely and supportive private Facebook Group that was great for advice and sharing experiences and photos and funny stories. I also found that having DS brought me much closer to my in-laws and I grew to enjoy spending time with them much more than I did before I had a child.

All these comments apply equally to your concern about your DH not making parent friends on maternity leave- I don’t think it happens as often as you think and don’t think that it really matters.

Anyway, hopefully some food for thought. Good luck!

We were in a similar position to you op. I took two weeks maternity leave ( and dp took annual leave for these two weeks) and then I went straight back to working and he took 6 months SPL.

It was amazing and worked really well for us. DP loved it ( we have 2 other DC and he loved having all that time with them!)

I highly recommend it. I am lucky though in that I work from home so was still around, just working full time.

From DPs point of view he loved every minute and was very sad when he had to go back to work!

I think DH has it an idealised view of going for walks in the park, followed by a coffee with a newspaper and the reality is more likely to be looking after a grizzly baby

This is most people’s idealised view - you get used to the reality quick enough.

Don’t borrow trouble, as my nan would say.

Plan for as much as you can, be prepared to be flexible- that’s the best thing.

I didn't make any friends on my first two maternity leave, and dp didn't even bother trying, he didn't go to any groups either.

I cross posted with your most recent post. Your DH doesn’t need a support network, honestly. Arranging your day to spend time physically with other people is OK now and again but more hassle than it’s worth and is more exhausting than supportive. He’ll have you on the end of the phone and, hopefully, able to be around in person due to working reduced hours. He can go on Mumsnet if he needs advice from seasoned parents!

And you will have much more flexibility in returning to work than lots of working Mums. Is your office close to home? Your situation sounds great.

I did a lot of walking in the park and drinking coffee with my phone, loads of opportunity for that when the baby is small. Of course some babies might have reflux etc and be more grizzly than others, but they do sleep a lot and, now I have a 2 year old, I yearn for the days when he was portable, immobile and didn’t ask questions!

My DH was a SAHP. He just got on with it and made loads of female friends at the baby groups. They were exceptionally welcoming to him.

If you could do 2/3 days each that would be ideal. Or can you hire an interim manager?

DH takes the leave, why would you even consider a nanny, a stranger when the child could be with its own parent, one of the people that love them the most? Best thing for a child is absolutely to be with a parent when circumstances allow.

You can’t guarantee your want to go back to work ASAP, until your actually a mother you have no idea how you will feel. You also can’t guarantee how well you or baby will be after birth.

I never get the thing of here about making mum friends. Its not my experience, all the friends I’ve got I had long before pregnancy. I take my dc to baby groups etc and chat to mums there but we’re not friends! So do I think you’d miss out on making mum friends by going back to work? Umm no I don’t.

I do own a business and I did return for a while after my 1st dc while dh have a few months leave and it worked well, dh enjoyed it. I now have 3 dc and I stay home becuase I am not leaving them with a nanny, my job & business will hopefully always be there but dh works in law so it made sense for him to return to work and me to stay home.

A different perspective:

I hated maternity leave. Had a preemie in NNU, a c-section which meant I couldn't drive and no friends locally with kids. Struggled massively to connect to anyone at baby groups, possibly partly due to PPD but also just couldn't find anyone I clicked with. Couldn't wait to come back to work. Told my husband that next time, he could take the statutory bit of the SPL.

But, I'm about to go on maternity leave next week for our second and I'm taking the whole time off myself (from next week until January 2020 when DC1 will get the free 30 hours childcare) because financially it makes sense. DH's work offers pretty much the bare minimum for SPL, whereas my work has a generous 5 months fully paid, then a generous holiday allowance I can tack on the end, so ultimately I'll only have to take 1 or 2 months of SPP and it's not worth making my husband take that short a time off.

Sometimes, being a parent means sacrificing what you want for the good of the family. You need to decide how important this is to you - is it worth your business, and the financial hit, if you can't guarantee you'll even enjoy ML? Maybe it is, and that's fine, but for me I couldn't justify it to my logical mind.

Good luck!

I think DH has it an idealised view of going for walks in the park, followed by a coffee with a newspaper and the reality is more likely to be looking after a grizzly baby

Well I’ve got 3 dc and never had a grizzly baby! All 3 have been really calm and easy plus all loved to sleep. I’ve spent many days going for walks in the park we love it, I also drink much coffee and read papers while my dc play.

Yes some babies are hard work no doubt about that but not all so he could well end up with his ideal view. Also his an adult I’m sure he knows babies sometimes cry and get grizzly

If you can take 2-3 months, then maybe work 4 days a week, I think you'll be ok. Guessing you don't have much of a commute?

Do antenatal classes to gain a group you can meet up with. That will probably be women only during mat leave weekdays - but depending on the group, may involve partners too, more at weekends. As others go back to work it may morph into a weekends and evenings group.

Your DH can go to baby and toddler groups if he likes. There's no obligation to be sociable though, he could wander round the park and go for coffee by himself with baby, if he likes. Most baby classes are for the parents' benefit, to get them out of the house and provide 'society', not for the babies. Toddlers become more sociable themselves.

I suggest you see this from a business perspective & look into recruiting an interim manager with the absolute skill set required - specialist recruitment agencies do this - so you can take ML as & when you need it. This comes at a cost to the business but it may be offset as a consultancy. This way you can have someone report to you at regular intervals so that you have a gentle hand on the tiller with minimum disruptions to the current team.

Interim managers choose to do this type of work & there is no expectation to stay on or change the business. That said, there may be value in seeing your business through the eyes of an already experienced manager.

On my first child I went back to work after 10 weeks on my second 12.

I would love to have left ds at home for longer but he had to go out to a minder.
Let your dh mind the baby and you once you go back to work.

My DH took 4 months SPL, I only took 3 months mat leave as I'm the higher earner and we needed me to go back. It was tough on me going back as I was quite ill after the birth, but at 12 weeks I did cope. DH went along to the baby and toddler groups but did feel a bit of an outsider as the only dad (except at the church one where he knew everyone anyway). So he did lots of long walks with DD on his back, stopping by the pub on the way back for a pint and a bottle. It's not how I would do baby are, but he and DD worked out their own way and they have such a strong bond now.

If I were you I'd sign up to NCT antenatal classes, or another provider, but one where you pay and will be in a small group with the same people for a few weeks. This normally leads to a WhatsApp group or similar as a source of support for you.

When you go back to work, can you arrange your schedule so you do an activity a week with your baby, again a paid for course where you see the same people each week. That way you get the chance to spend time with your baby, meet other parents and your DH gets a bit of a break from looking after a baby. A friend did this at 12 weeks but took an early long lunch to go to Baby Sensory.

Actually his idea might be the reality. And most people I know didn’t really make friends until the children are older.

To be honest you won’t know what it will be like until actual child arrives, some are super chilled and others have multiple health issues.

A practical point is about breastfeeding. Almost all babies will be feeding very regularly at 2-3 months and waking ( multiple times a night). Obviously you won’t be able to feed and work. And if you plan on doing first couple of months and then switching need to be prepared for bottle refusing and the massive hormone downer of stopping feeding.

None of it is insurmountable but helps to be mentally prepared

I would take the making friends bit out of the equation. I've had two babies and two full MLs now and I can't say I've made many true lifelong friends out of it. I have two friends from NCT class that I still keep in touch with 6 years later, but we see each other about twice a year for a day out with the kids. Unless you are someone who is planning to be at home for years until your dc hit school or to stay a sahm, your closest friends will likely not be people you meet at baby groups. They tend to be friendships of convenience and shared circumstances and are often dropped as people return to work, have different schedules, start new classes, etc.

But the bigger question is, how important is spending time with your baby when they are young? I did work some on mat leave (I'm an academic and even while 'on leave' I still had publications to deal with and grant applications to complete, etc.), but I did it while mine slept or in the evenings after bedtime or occasional weekend mornings when my dh took them out to give me some quiet to work. But they are only small once and you don't get that time back. No way would I go back at 8-10 weeks. My dh would have managed perfectly fine (and yours would too), but selfishly, I wanted that time. I worked hard to get to a point when I could take time off and my career wouldn't suffer for it. I would think about ways you could manage work remotely, delegate, train someone up, etc. Short of the company completely collapsing in your absence (which frankly isn't a good sign of a secure, stable business), I think it's wise, given the demands of children (there will be illnesses and school holidays and all sorts of demands on your time going forward), to try to expand beyond being a one woman operation. It means your business has the best chance of being successful long-term and you can make the most of the very short time when your dc are little.

What's SPL?

I can't work it out from the context.

Do it! I went back after 6 months both times and my DH stayed home. He quit his job after baby 2 and stayed home another year+, it was fantastic. My career took off, he found work again no problem after, and our kids loved it. We're very much equal parents and the SPL was I'm sure a big factor in that.

Shared Parental Leave Schadenfreude.
www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay

I went back to work at 14 weeks and DH took over as SAHP at that point.

There were a few times he felt a little out of place at baby groups but he managed to find those that weren't stupid pretty quickly. He did have the odd 'wtf are all the baby change facilities in women's toilets' moment, but again he found the best places to go quickly.

I think DH is much more parenty than I am. He just got it much faster and enjoyed it more. I'm really glad we were able to work it the way we did. I was happier at work!

I’m not sure how it would work. Maybe I’ve read it wrong because I’ve read all of the posts and I could have got mixed up somewhere....... are you thinking of going back after only 3 weeks?! That would be very tough in terms of

Pain - I had a 3rd degree tear so maybe that pain was more extreme than the norm but what if you has a c-section, that would stop you driving if you need to for work.
I was heavily bleeding for at least 3 weeks.
The complete upheaval to your life having a newborn - tiredness, hormones, emotions etc.
Breastfeeding - I guess you could express.

I think it’s possible for you to go back to work and your husband to be a successful sahp I’m just concerned at the speed in which you’re thinking of going back. I’m sort of thinking you’re putting yourself under a lot of pressure. I know quite a few sahd’s. They join in with the mums, seem happy etc. I defo think that part can work. Lots of my friends met other people similar to them at antenatal classes. Good luck!! 💐

You don't need to make 'mum' friends or make friends on ML or go to groups. His taking SPL sounds a good compromise. So many people decry discrimination in the work force, etc but then don't want to share the leave out with their male partner. There's nothing wrong with a 10-week ML if you've recovered well physically and emotionally from childbirth. And hiring a nanny when the child's own father can provide the care is ridiculous! Some really sexist attitudes on here, sadly.

I have some experience in this way:

I went back to work 3 days a week when DS1 was 15 weeks old, having taken the max (in those days) fully-paid mat leave of 12 weeks and made up the rest with annual leave.

DH wasn't working at the time and stayed home.

Not gonna lie, even though I was in theory happy to go back to work, it was still a wrench. I got into a routine of very early morning breastfeed, baby back down to sleep, bus into work, expressing milk twice a day at the office, back home to hungry baby (DH trying to keep him happy till I got back so the stock of frozen breast milk wasn't depleted too quickly).

We were new to the area and we made most of our friends at antenatal group. DH is v sociable and managed the baby groups well but was usually the only bloke there. i think he struggled more with keeping the house tidy and having meals ready on time, and just the relentless grind of feeding and changing. Also travel took a long time as we didn't have a car, and buses in our area were not well set up for prams.

DH later found a part-time job and we did the childcare between us with some help (three hours a week) from a relative. When DS2 came along I took 6 months off as I really felt I had gone back too soon with DS1.