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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gift reciprocating

40 replies

Worzilgummidge · 04/04/2019 06:15

To be honest I'm stressed with all the expense in the family what with birthdays, christenings, Christmas etc I am on a tight budget as well.
My dn niece birthday is coming up and I don't want to sound petty but would it be awful not to give anything as I didn't receive anything from her on mine, to be honest I would tell everyone not to bother with me either. What you think would it be bad of me.

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Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 04/04/2019 06:18

Always grappled with this sort of thing there is literally a birthday every bloody month or something.
Fair few kids in the family that I never miss out but it's endless from giving the kids in family pocket money for holidays to everything else.

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Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 04/04/2019 06:19

On this occasion dn baby christening in coming up and brothers 60th so where to start plus cost of meals out to mark occasions as well.

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AlwaysCheddar · 04/04/2019 06:20

How old is dn?

Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 04/04/2019 06:21

35

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Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 04/04/2019 06:21

I think I am youngish auntie at 48 lol

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Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 04/04/2019 06:22

I'm the one in the family with not so much money I think.

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Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 04/04/2019 06:26

My finances have been shit for some time I literally survive on poor wages never have any holidays treats etc.

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Sunnysidegold · 04/04/2019 06:27

I don't think you need to buy adult nieces and nephews. We had a rule in our family that when someone started their first full time job that was the cut off for birthday presents. I think a card is fine at 35!

I'm 37 and just get cards from family except.for one aunt but I'm her only relative really.

user1493413286 · 04/04/2019 06:29

I would focus on the kids in the family; most people would rather you give to their kids than them.

InfiniteSheldon · 04/04/2019 06:30

No you don't buy for adults who don't buy for you.

DreamInDreamer · 04/04/2019 06:31

Some of my nieces/ nephews are grown up and earn way more than me. I no longer give them gifts at Christmas or birthdays, just a card. I'm not on the breadline but i have to watch my spending.
I did buy presents when they were younger- and I still do for the other 8 (!) young nieces/ nephews plus my siblings/ in laws etc etc etc.
I just can't afford the older nieces/ nephews- and they earn twice what I earn and are double income in many cases, whereas I'm a widow with 2 DCs.

OhioOhioOhio · 04/04/2019 06:31

Don't buy when they are past 18. Announce it and stick to it. Send a card if you want.

IggyAce · 04/04/2019 06:32

I only get a card on my birthday from my aunts. In our family all birthday and Christmas presents stop at 18, we do receive something for significant birthdays.

Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 04/04/2019 06:33

Thanks all these where my thoughts exactly but the rest of the family make me feel bad because they do tend to go out of thier way for birthdays.

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Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 04/04/2019 06:35

I will just give for significant birthdays and the kids

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DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/04/2019 06:36

Be honest with them about your financial situation.

No, don't buy for an adult niece (who doesn't buy for you). Or any other adult (you could make exceptions: buy for your parents, milestone birthdays).

And no holiday pocket money for kids that aren't yours!

converseandjeans · 04/04/2019 06:37

In most families you only buy for niece and nephew until either 18 or 21. She should be buying gifts back for you at that age. I don't think you need to say anything. Just get flowers and a card if you feel you want to give token gift.

Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 04/04/2019 06:49

Just one thing my dm thinks make an exception for my one dn who doesn't have kids to buy for

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Original poster
Worzilgummidge · 04/04/2019 06:51

I also have my own ds to contend with

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Springwalk · 04/04/2019 06:51

Of course you don't need to buy for adults DN.

Just say going forward that for financial reasons you can't send gifts anymore, but you will be thinking of her on her birthday and will always send a card. I don't think she will mind one bit! Particularly as she never sends anything to you. It comes across that she is quite grabby if she is still expecting presents from you.

You have been more than generous over the years, cut everything back and don't put yourself in debt.

LoubyLou1234 · 04/04/2019 06:56

Our family rule is you don't buy for adults eg sisters etcif they have kids. I've 5 nieces and nephews and somewhere in their early 20s I'm stopping buying gifts etc. I do still treat if we are out and about ( I've no kids) special birthdays and occasions are different though for me.

LoubyLou1234 · 04/04/2019 06:59

Is the holiday pocket money for a 35 year old too or just the kids? I've never received any money like that other than parents when I was a kid.

I've not received any gifts from aunties/uncles since I was a child tbh. Although I'm not close with most of mine.

BarbaraofSevillle · 04/04/2019 07:05

Why on earth are you getting yourself in a knot about whether or not to buy a birthday present that you can't afford for an adult niece who doesn't buy for you? That's crazy.

Buy what's affordable to you until they are 18 and after that, just a card. And once they are above about 8, just stick a tenner in a card rather than an actual gift, unless you have a knack for finding decent gifts for less than that and like shopping. Most DC after that age would rather have money to spend on crap or put towards something bigger anyway.

If you are on a tight budget you need to look after yourself first and only give away some of your money that genuinely is spare. If people are better off than you, it is ridiculous for you to give them money or gifts when you are struggling, and if they are in a similar position to you, you will all be better off if you stop or massively cut down all this tit for tat exchanging and just concentrate on making the best of your own finances.

If you want to do something nice for them, give them time, do a cheap activity with them, or help them out in some way - DIY, babysitting, whatever. Nearly everyone needs a bit of extra help every once in a while, and if they know you can do that for them, it will mean so much more to them, than you buying a gift that you can't afford and they probably don't want anyway. Smile Flowers

Margot33 · 04/04/2019 07:08

Of course you don't buy for adults. Only children and their last gift is when they're eighteen. Start it from today. If family challenge you just explain you're strapped for cash so just the little ones just presents.

Groovee · 04/04/2019 07:41

I was an auntie at 7. Stopped giving gifts about the 16th Birthday as there's too many.