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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt by this?

42 replies

Stargazer888 · 04/04/2019 00:16

My first post and I might be oversensitive. It's been a trying time so please go easy on me. I have a son with developmental trauma. He's going though a very rough time. He's 7 and he has some enormous meltdowns. This has been going on for years and we've been coping with a lot of issues since we first adopted him. We work with many specialists and it's been a long process. Lately things have been worse. My friends know of our struggles and how hard it can be for me to go out to meet them. I decided to invite a few of them over this weekend after he's gone to bed so I can socialize. All but one have been super evasive and not given me a reply. Today one of them said her and the other girls have been talking and they are worried they might wake up ds and he'll melt down so they don't want to come over. I'm not at all worried about this or I would never have invited them over. But even if he did I would deal with it like I always do. I'm just so hurt. I have felt so isolated lately and thought this would be a perfect way to get to see them when I don't have to worry about ds. I just feel like crap about it. I wish they had all just said no instead of telling me the reason. Maybe I'm being completely oversensitive, I just feel it would be better not to know why they didn't want to come over. It just makes me sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargazer888 · 04/04/2019 00:19

As I'm reading this I realize maybe they think they are doing me a favour not coming over? Maybe I'm just being negative.

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 04/04/2019 00:25

I’m so sorry. Friends and family don’t always understand. I don’t know much about adoption (my situation was with my biological son, if that’s the right term) but is there any kind of network near you for parents who are facing similar challenges? My son has ASD and had fairly extreme meltdowns, and spending some time with people who were in the same boat did make things a bit easier.
Flowers

ReturnfromtheStars · 04/04/2019 00:36

Great way to socialize OP! I also always ask friends around when no childcare, noone ever complained yet... So it might be their preception of adoption. Where do you live? I would come :)

Original poster
Stargazer888 · 04/04/2019 00:39

Thank you so much! I do thankfully have a pretty good network of friends whose kids suffer from trauma related sn's, but we rarely see each other because it's too hard for most of us to get out of the house. ;) The one woman who said she'd come over doesn't have kids. She's always been lovely to me so I think I'll just focus on having a good night with her and forgetting what the others said. I'm just so run down and this honestly took me off guard. It's been very trying. Thanks so much for replying. It really made me feel better. ;)

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 04/04/2019 00:40

OP, I’m really sorry you feel like this. As they’re you’re friends can you message all of them or one of them who could pass it on that actually, you’d love to see them all and this works best for you at the moment and if they feel awkward you’re dealing with it so it’s not like they have to and that this is how you can see them all. Like you said, they might think they’re doing you a favour without realising.

Original poster
Stargazer888 · 04/04/2019 00:41

Thanks returnofthestars!! I would happily have you over but I'm in Canada at the moment. They've known us and our ds for years now. One of their ds's is best friends with mine. I actually had them over today for a playdate which is when she said it to me. I might just be blowing it out of proportion. I really was looking forward to having them over though!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargazer888 · 04/04/2019 00:45

Thanks user! That is a good idea. I did tell the one friend today that this was the easiest way for me see them and that I wasn't worried about him waking up and melting down. He hasn't done that in years so I'm not nervous about it at all. I'm hoping I made myself clear but if not I'll just hang out with my one friend. I don't want to sound crabby (even though I probably do) but I don't feel like putting myself out there more.

OP posts:
ushuaiamonamour · 04/04/2019 08:13

To be honest, if I were invited for a weekend night out in those circumstances I would turn down the invitation too--I'd want a night of relaxation, not of walking on eggshells in dread of another massive meltdown. Sorry.

I think you should consider it a high compliment that your friend felt comfortable enough with you to tell you the truth; that probably took courage and certainly a white lie would have been the easy way out. Obviously she trusted you to react reasonably and obviously she's making it clear that it's not a matter of their turning against you but of their not wanting to endure the meltdown.

I'm sorry you have this to deal with. You deserve a lot of credit for taking good care of a difficult child desperately in need of good care and I hope the help you're getting for him will pay off sooner rather than later. And I'm in awe of your patience. Very good luck to you.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/04/2019 08:24

If be hurt too. If they'd come over a few times in the evening and this had happened before then fair enough, they would know it wouldn't be fun for anyone. But it feels like they're not giving you a chance. And talking about it behind your back. I think I'd re
Spend saying if they're worried about waking him they shouldn't be as once he's asleep he's down for the night, and see what they say. If they don't even want to try so you can socialise then there isn't much you can do but I'd be upset, I don't think it's a lot to ask

Friedspamfritters · 04/04/2019 08:58

YANBU. You invited them and obviously you know DS best. They should have come over and supported you.

Friedspamfritters · 04/04/2019 09:00

@ushu
Sorry but that sounds incredibly selfish - do you not have any friends you actually care about? Your friend's going through a tough time and is isolated but you couldn't spare one evening to keep her company. Sorry but if that's the case you're no friend at all just a drinking buddy.

IvanaPee · 04/04/2019 09:04

I do think it sounds like they’re thinking of you. Possibly themselves too, I guess. But you’d be the one dealing with the fall out so I’m inclined to think they’re trying to make things easier for you?

ScarletBitch · 04/04/2019 09:07

Yabu, your friends had a legitimate concern about waking your DS up.

Damntheman · 04/04/2019 09:12

I wouldn't have turned down that invitation. But I do think that in giving you the truth as to why they've turned it down, your friends are trying to do their best by you. Most people wouldn't have been honest which sucks, but they have been and that should mean something positive.

I'd use this opportunity to try to explain to them how unlikely it is that they'll wake him, and how this is one of the only opportunities you have to socilise and how much you need this. They may well come around anyway.

Dvg · 04/04/2019 09:23

I don't go to my aunties because her child is a nightmare when he has a tantrum which is all the time. Even though she "deals with it" i still have to sit there awkwardly wanting to leave.

She feels very isolated i know but honestly its not my problem and i would rather relax knowing i don't have to walk on eggshells, its nothing to do with my auntie as she really is lovely she just doesn't understand that the problems she has with her son are no one else's problems so why should they have to suffer through it when they want to see her.

So yes i would decline as well.

Original poster
Stargazer888 · 04/04/2019 12:20

Thanks everyone! It sounds like the others have decided to go to a pub instead, although they keep saying they will play it be ear and let me know. This has come from the one friend who was open with me, as the other two have completely avoided replying. We see each other everyday after school so it's a little bit awkward. As it is now Thursday and the invite was for Saturday I"d rather they just say no. I need to buy food and drinks and I'd prefer no to have it go to waste.
I also spoke to my one friend letting her know if she wanted to join them at the pub that was totally fine. I understand if she would prefer to go out. She said she absolutely would not be going to the pub, that I invited her and she said she's be there, and that she was really excited to see me! That felt tremendously good.

Dvg, I feel terrible for your aunt. I hope she will find some friends who can support her.

OP posts:
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 04/04/2019 12:25

God, your poor aunt, Dvg. I hope the rest of your family is more supportive.

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 04/04/2019 12:26

And I’m so sorry, Stargazer - that’s really crap of your friends. I hope you have lovely evening with the one who gets it.

IvanaPee · 04/04/2019 12:27

Stargazer you have a good friend there. Better to have one good friend that a big group of fakes!

Original poster
Stargazer888 · 04/04/2019 12:44

Thank you both. I agree I have a very good friend here. I'm very happy to spend the evening with her!!

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 04/04/2019 12:51

Enjoy your evening! Lots of wine and nibbles Flowers

Original poster
Stargazer888 · 04/04/2019 12:57

Thank you! I think this has worked out for the best in the end. Grin

OP posts:
WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 04/04/2019 13:00

I hope you have a lovely time with your true friend, OP.

Dvg shame on you. Though I'm a strong believer in karma...

BarrenFieldofFucks · 04/04/2019 13:02

Initially I thought they sounded well intentioned. Now I think they should be ashamed of themselves.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 04/04/2019 13:04

And Dvg and USHA, you too should be ashamed. To not be able to put your mild discomfort to one side temporarily, knowing that you will soon be skipping off home to be there for your friend or relative is pretty awful.

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