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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you what you'd do

34 replies

TreatMeLike · 03/04/2019 14:24

Not so much AIBU but advice much appreciated. Regular poster, NC for dignity privacy.

I was agoraphobic for...15 years. Social anxiety too. Lots of childhood trauma.

But I'm getting better! Very happy marriage, no DC. All my time is free time. No responsibilities. No money worries.

I appreciate all my privileges, but mentally I feel trapped with no meaning to my life whatsoever. There's no reason to get up. I force myself and keep busy by walking, cooking, bit of writing, etc. I have no family and 2 friends who live miles away. I've become so isolated and alone and I'm only in my 30s.

I need a life. I want a life. I don't know where to begin. My CBT therapist says she can't give me the answers, I need to work it out myself. My confidence and self esteem are really good at the moment. So.

I'm thinking of: fostering dogs, volunteering, part time work, joining a group. But where do I start?

There are so many strong, confident, capable women on here and I'd really appreciate any advice. I've worked incredibly hard to be, say, half recovered, I'm ready to get out there. I know full recovery means I need to engage and take on responsibility.

What would you start with? Sorry if this is super boring. Feel free to let the thread fall and die....

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 03/04/2019 14:26

Nope sorry. Not going to let it die!!!!
What do you enjoy or feel passionate about? I volunteered with the Cinnamon Trust and also a local animal shelter.
Tomorrow I’m being really brave and trying a local book club. Wish me luck.

Sirzy · 03/04/2019 14:26

As you have mentioned volunteering and fostering dogs you could volunteer for a dogs trust type charity? So your getting out and about and working with dogs?

Are you in a position where what you have been through could be used so you can help others and volunteer for a mental health based charity?

Good luck whatever you find.

Drum2018 · 03/04/2019 14:28

Look up volunteering opportunities in your area - be it in charity shops, local hospice attending to visitors, local animal shelter.

Chocolateisfab · 03/04/2019 14:29

An acquaintance of mine volunteers at a dog rescue one day a week. He has come on leaps and bounds - not just a ddog thing!! He has gained a new life imo!

bridgetreilly · 03/04/2019 14:30

Try something. It doesn't have to be the right thing the first time. But until you start and give things a go, you won't ever find the right thing.

OldAndWornOut · 03/04/2019 14:36

You could introduce something completely different and volunteer as a 'special' with the police.
Pop into an elderly care home and ask if you can spend some time there.
They're desperately short of time to spend with the residents.

homemadegin · 03/04/2019 14:39

If it was me I would get a dog of my own. I wouldn't cope well with fostering as I would want to keep them all. Then volunteer at a rescue centre as well, which would then result in more dogs coming home.....

Book club.

Which country are you in? If Scotland the children's panel are always needing volunteers.

Original poster

TreatMeLike · 03/04/2019 14:40

@Wolfiefan that's really brave! What book will you be discussing? And will there be wine/gin?!

My interests, rather sabotagingly, are quite isolating ones like cooking, writing, reading. Love animals though.

I used to be a copywriter and editor, but I've been out of the industry so long I don't want to start at the bottom again, and want to do something with meaning. I'd really like to help others, in some way.

Despite my anxiety I like people and I can get on with anyone. I'm very friendly, affable, it's just the idea of being - I think - tied that is the barrier I can't get over.

I'm worried that if I tie myself into volunteering even 1 day a week, will I be able to cope? What if I'm ill, or having a really bad MH day? I think my cycle is 'I better not, just in case'. Then I feel relieved temporarily, but then the feel pathetic and empty in the long run.

I know the logic of it, I know it's unreasonable.

Why won't my brain work! Someone give me a kick.

And thank you so much for the replies. Really.

OP posts:

homemadegin · 03/04/2019 14:45

@TreatMeLike . I think you give it a go. Start flexible. Approach for example a animal rescue. Ask if it would be possible to do an afternoon a fortnight. Does it have to be a set day?

I think you are right re a cycle, but it might help that next stage. So if you enjoy it you will go because you have that sense of being needed and trusted. Then you feel better for going.

That's why a dog helped me. I had to walk her even if I didn't feel up to it, etc.

JenniferJareau · 03/04/2019 14:49

Meetup.com. You can join local groups of people who share the same interests / hobbies and you get to meet lots of new people. It's what I did to get a new social circle and it worked.

SeaToSki · 03/04/2019 14:53

Why dont you set yourself a goal of trying 4 new things in the next 8 months or whatever. That way you might find it easier to give something a go as you are acknowledging up front that you might not pick the best option first and you are not going to keepdoing something if it doesnt work for you.

SeaToSki · 03/04/2019 14:56

Sorry posted too soon. Also if you do volunteer, just start with once a week, that way you can build up if you like it, but if it makes you anxious and you cant go one week, its not too big a deal for the organization (similar to if you had a cold etc). You could try a couple of different things at the same time that way.. if you wanted to

WeirdCatLady · 03/04/2019 14:58

OP, have you considered studying? The Open University has a multitude of fab courses to try.

Original poster

TreatMeLike · 03/04/2019 14:59

@JenniferJareau I've had a good look of meet.ups in my area but always wimp out of going to any, figuring those are for normal people, not broken ones like me!

@homemadegin that's a good idea RE maybe once a fortnight, ease myself in so I can see I can do it. Thank you.

@SeaToSki oh that's such a good idea. I could make a list of things and then choose maybe 4 to try. That's not only immensely practical, it appeals to the list-maker in me!

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Original poster

TreatMeLike · 03/04/2019 15:02

@WeirdCatLady great suggestion, I do have a degree but I was thinking about an MA. I think studying is something I could slot in, around hopefully getting myself actually out and away from the comfort of the computer.

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JenniferJareau · 03/04/2019 15:09

@TreatMeLike I was scared to begin with too but a good host will put you at ease and make you feel welcome.

WeirdCatLady · 03/04/2019 15:12

I recently did an MA with the OU so I can tell you it will certainly occupy your time 😂

Orchidflower1 · 03/04/2019 15:19

We done op on facing all your challenges and wanting to continue to improve yourself.

What about a course at the local adult education centre/ library. It wouldn’t be as heavy going as an MA but would get you out of the house. My local one does 6 week floristry course/ gardening and other “hobby” type courses. It may be the nice balance of commiting to something without tying yourself in long term.

Chocolateisfab · 03/04/2019 15:19

How about sign up for borrowmydog?
I have some lovely dogs if you are near me?!

Original poster

TreatMeLike · 03/04/2019 15:23

@Orchidflower1 I hadn't thought of that, I'll have a Google now, thank you.

@Chocolateisfab anywhere near the Midlands?

I'm genuinely writing every suggestion down, and taking it all on board so thank you.

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Orchidflower1 · 03/04/2019 15:29

You’re welcome op.

Onepuddingisneverenough · 03/04/2019 15:35

Borrow my doggy is great
We have a lady that we were put in touch with through the site that walks our dog. She is now a friend. We go for coffee occasionally and text a lot. It’s a great place to start
Re local groups - you say you enjoy cooking and writing? I’ll bet there are local groups who meet to discuss books, or share text they’ve written or cookery clssdes? I’d start by finding something you like doing, join a local group . You’ll already have things in common
Good luck xx

Ariela · 03/04/2019 15:40

Also along the animal theme, I know in many areas the RDA is desperate for people to help with the riders as well as the horses.

recrudescence · 03/04/2019 15:46

What about actually getting a dog?

Original poster

TreatMeLike · 03/04/2019 15:48

Just checked and there are 2 RDA centers within 3 miles of me, adding that to the list

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