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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a problem with this friendship?

57 replies

CaptainDamaged · 03/04/2019 11:04

DP and I have been together for just under 2 years. We have a 9 month old DD, a pretty big surprise but she’s the light of my life and we’ve made it work. For the most part we are happy but there’s one thing that we keep coming back to and honestly it may just be the reason we don’t work out in the end. DP doesn’t see this from my POV at all and thinks the sun shines out of her.

DP has been best friends with girl ‘B’ for 7-8 years. They dated for 3ish years prior to this. Their friendship had serious boundary issues in the sense that everyone (including me) thought they were an item. B told everyone that they had been together and tended to go on about it a bit “oh we would get back together if he would change” etc etc.

So, I had a bad breakup and DP was very supportive during this time. We kind of just ‘fell in love’ so to speak. B caused a bit of trouble due to her jealousy (? Maybe not the right word to use but I don’t know)

  • one night we were hanging out, I was lying on the sofa having a nap and she came to sit with DP while he played PlayStation. When she saw I was lying on the sofa she made a very audible “UGH” noise before walking out and slamming the door behind her. She then ignored me the rest of the night.
  • the day after the above, she came to me crying and apologising saying it just really hurts to see him change for me and not for her and she’s just sorry she reacted that way.
  • DP was supposed to be her +1 at a wedding but he went on a bender and arrived drunk (nothing to do with me), she proceeded to blame this on me and told loads of people He had let her down because of me.

-threw all his clothes (including underwear - though idk why she had them anyway lol) that she had around his office at work.

  • Proceeded to block and delete me and him off all social media.

There was a bit of a break here, it kinda came up every now and then because she would contact him for emotional support. Once she found out I was pregnant she didn’t take it well.

  • called him f-ing c* to his mum and told her he was making a massive mistake in regards to me and the baby.
  • would call him up and text him using the loving nickname she gave him while they were dating.

Now DP is not innocent in any of this. He says I forced him to cut out his best friend due to my ‘vicious jealousy’. He would take her phone calls in private, never in front of me and would also phone her drunk. Their friendship before was more like a relationship, always each other’s plus 1s, he would take her on holiday, text and call loads of times a day, together all the time, he even told me that he had been waiting for her to change her mind about them having another go for the entire friendship.

For the majority of this I have just tried to be like “he can have friends that don’t want to know me”, but honestly it really hurts. I’ve never done anything to her, I’ve tried multiple times to invite her over for dinner or coffee or drinks, she’s never even met dd though still uses DP as an emotional crux. How weird is that? It hurts so bad because all of the blame is put entirely on me because I’ve had a bumpy past but I have tried to just let them get on with it.

So, aibu or should I tell him it’s her or me? Or should I just end it with him completely? I feel like I will always be second best.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/04/2019 11:59

I would give him an ultimatum and I would stick by my threat if he calls my bluff, although if you really have to go down that road to make him cut her out is he really the kind of person you want to share your life with?

micromanager1 · 03/04/2019 12:05

You mention that they are often eachother's +1s at weddings and events. Are you not your DPs +1 (minus the events where its her inviting him obvs)?

YANBU to be upset, but I think you know that already. Mainly just because it sounds bizarre that he's got all this time to maintain such a volatile r/s with this woman, when you have a 9mo.

Original poster
CaptainDamaged · 03/04/2019 12:19

Sorry if I wasn’t clear, they’re no longer each other’s +1s since we properly became an item. The last time was when he showed up drunk and she blamed me.

Sorry to keep adding more questions, dd is breastfed and he said I will have to give up breastfeeding if we break up because otherwise she can’t be away from me for longer than 3-4 hours. No court will force that will they???

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 12:48

Are you on two threads about the breastfeeding?

LazyLizzy · 03/04/2019 12:48

It gets worse, abusive and cheating. You've only been together 2 years. Cut your losses now! How have you stayed?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 03/04/2019 12:53

Not something I say lightly, but in the case it's a definite ltb. You're worth more than this.

Happynow001 · 03/04/2019 13:05

@CaptainDamaged
I'm glad you are considering on moving on from him. He does not sound at all the supportive partner and you will be better without him.

I’m 100% on leaving him, though I have no money to my name. Going to look into housing benefit now and work my way up from there. I can stay in our flat for now but honestly he constantly throws that in my face it’ll be so good to have my own place with dd.

Get advice from Women's Aid or Citizens Advice regarding your queries on court contact for baby.
dd is breastfed and he said I will have to give up breastfeeding if we break up because otherwise she can’t be away from me for longer than 3-4 hours. No court will force that will they???

Other sources of information:

https://www.entitledto.co.uk//_

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenancee_

Keep your arrangements private until you are ready to move so he doesn't put a spoke in your wheel.

Good luck for the future for you and your daughter. 🌈

RubyWho · 03/04/2019 13:17

OP, I am best friends with a man I was once in a relationship with. We were together for about two years a long time ago. However, the differences here are:

  1. We broke up for legitmate and mutually agreed reasons. Neither of us pined after the other nor waited around for 'something' to change. We accepted the relationship was over
  2. There was a period of distance between us breaking up and us resuming a (genuine) friendship
  3. Whilst we support each other, we are not each other's main emotional crux
  4. We both went to pains to ensure our respective new partners did not feel uncomfortable, and listened to any concerns they may have had. I personally would be mortified if my friend's new partner felt uncomfortable in any way, and if this was the case, I would modify whatever I was doing to make her feel uncomfortable, and I would also seek to engage her in a reasonable dialogue about it.

Neither your partner nor his ex are doing any of the above. She's no friend to him if she's acting this way and likewise, he is not acting as if he is in a partnership with you.

YANBU

RubyWho · 03/04/2019 13:20

Oh also he is talking utter shit re breastfeeding and contact. Contact is for the child's benefit. It is for your daughter's benefit that you are breastfeeding, and no court would order you cease this to accomadate contact for your (ex)DP's benefit.
He can get to fuck, the controlling, gaslighting arse.

Exhausted18 · 03/04/2019 13:33

Their behaviour is so completely inappropriate. I asked my DP to knock some of his BF's behaviour on the head as people had started mistaking her for his DP instead of me and yet it wasn't nearly as bad as what you describe (Hugging, pet names, using him in her profile picture). And you know, he listened! He understood my concerns and said he could see it himself, it had just been the status quo for so long that he didn't know how to change it. He talked to her, she got a small bit arsey at the time but they are still friends just with boundaries in place (I don't think her and I will ever get on but that doesn't matter, she's DP's friend, not mine). That's how your DP should be acting but he clearly loves the attention and drama. Or is still sleeping with her. Sorry OP, you deserve much more Flowers

And do not stop breastfeeding if you don't want to!! He's is a manipulative twat.

Crabbyandproudofit · 03/04/2019 13:33

You have decided to separate from him and it sounds a good idea for you to be on your own for a while. You'll be stronger and better able to form any future relationship in a healthy way (rather than being 'rescued'). You will have to maintain some contact with your DD's father but can refuse to get drawn into any drama about his friend.

Re breastfeeding - no court is going to force you to stop. If YOU want to express milk or move to occasional bottles of formula it will not do her harm but only do this if it is best for you and her. This kind of threat from him should only remind you that you are better off apart.

MadisonMontgomery · 03/04/2019 13:38

TBH I wonder if they had properly broken up - could it be that they have been sleeping together the entire time and he was still with her when he got with you? Would explain her behaviour.

Orangecake123 · 03/04/2019 13:49

So much unnecessary drama. Make it clear to your dp it's her or you. I also think he likes the attention.

Cannyhandleit · 03/04/2019 14:17

So as someone who has many very close male friends I was 100% expecting to read this post and think you were just jealous of their friendship but that's not what I read at all! They clearly both still have very strong feelings for each other and unfortunately I think that eventually they will figure that out and you'll be pushed aside! I don't think you stood a chance in this relationship from the minute it started!

Original poster
CaptainDamaged · 03/04/2019 15:46

Not sure about the sleeping together part as ex DP said she’s asexual. Though that could have been a lie.

I’ve told him it’s over, going to call woman’s aid and ask for advice. Thank you so much all, this is giving me the courage I needed.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/04/2019 16:35

Take care and good decision Flowers

Happynow001 · 03/04/2019 16:41

Well done OP. Hope you get all the help you need.

Ribbonsonabox · 03/04/2019 17:23

They both sounds bad as each other! I'm glad you've decided to leave this arsehole. Leave them to their ridiculous drama. You dont deserve to be treated like this you should be treated with respect.
Hes playing you off against each other!!
Just move on with your life. There are properly decent men out there... and even going it alone is better than being treated in this half hearted disrespectful abusive manner.
Good luck to you and your baby Flowers

sandi2019 · 03/04/2019 17:33

Wow.
Yes show him this thread.
What a rubbish partner he is.
And shes one of those bitches who like to interfere with other women's men....urgh....how desperately insecure and pathetic a woman she must be.
How can he treat you like this?
Its disrespectful and hurtful. No idea why a man who loves his woman would do this.
A good man would have put a stop to that woman interfering a long time ago.
Just.....WOW. There are some crappy men about. You and your little one deserve better.

sandi2019 · 03/04/2019 17:34

Or tell him to leave, OP.....throw him out. And then ask him to arrange his first support payment ASAP.

sandi2019 · 03/04/2019 17:35

Ps
...he sounds like an abusive, controlling arse.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/04/2019 17:36

Well done on reaching a decision-good luck

HollowTalk · 03/04/2019 17:44

Asexual my arse.

Get rid of this complete and utter waste of space. You will never know peace of mind while you're with him. And tell him that he's talking absolute crap about breastfeeding and that you will continue as long as it's good for the baby. No court would rule overnight stays for a baby that small.

Cheeserton · 03/04/2019 17:47

Nothing about this is OK. Don't put up with this crap. It's not 'vicious jealousy' to want to be the only woman in the relationship. If he really can't see it, leave him.

Original poster
CaptainDamaged · 04/04/2019 06:22

Feeling so sad and unlovable this morning. Why do I have such awful taste in men?

OP posts:
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