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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In finding my partner irritating when he does stuff like this?

61 replies

Linet · 03/04/2019 09:09

On the whole we have a good relationship, I do love him we have a lot in common and mny shared interests. But (there's always a but isn't there) some things are annoying me but I don't know if it's just me or not.

He always complains theres no food for him to eat. We don't live together but he spends most weekends at my house. I have cut out most crap from my diet so don't ever have crisps, chocolate, cake etc (as well as butter and full fat milk and cheese) in the house He moans about this and how there is nothing for him. If he buys his own stuff and my teen DC eat it (not realising it's his special food) he gets the right hump. Ditto if we're out and he says 'is there bread at home' and I say yes (because there was when I last checked) but when we return home there's barely any, or none. That's my fault.

He criticises my driving a lot, I'm either too hesitant or drive too fast.

He's never happy with how much quality time we spend together or our sex life. He refuses to have sex at my house because of my DC being there. However as he's away in the week with work it means I would have to travel to where he works/ stays which I've said I dont want to do (as I only have 1 free eve in the week and like to spend it with my DC) so thats me wanting it all on my terms apparently.

He can say things to me as a joke and tell me to lighten up if I don't llfind it funny. Yet if I say anything vaguely critical to him he gets mortally offended (last month he didn't send his DM a card/ present for her birthday as he was busy...I said partly in jest that didnt make him a good son. He had a proper huff and kept on about it for days).

Aibu to find this stuff annoying? There's other minor things like he's quite messy, and doesn't care for practical stuff (like at the weekend if I say I need to do housework he'll be po faced because he wants to go out and do things...and he'll never help really either aside from stuff he likes such as cooking. But I still have to ĺwash up).

OP posts:
Original poster
Linet · 03/04/2019 10:12

His only experience is of very young, dependent children who are given food...or of living on his own. So if he leaves X amount of bread, or biscuits or whatever, he expects it to be there until he returns. Which in this house it isn't always.

We do have healthier crisp alternatives, low cal cereal bars, so my teens aren't starving (in truth we all were overweight and needed to cut back. Actually he is as well but its up to him what he eats) but my partner wants 'proper' food not my reduced fat cheddar apparently.

He has done things to support me with goals, but they have fitted in with how he likes to spend time. So he recently helped me buy a new car (which was really great for me) but that involved going out and cars, both of which are things he likes. He has helped my DC too with college work, job applications so it's not all bad. In the past he has helped with jobs at home but not really in the last year or two (maybe as he got more comfortable in our relationship)

OP posts:
Original poster
Linet · 03/04/2019 10:17

Re the bread, there is often a loaf in the freezer (he won't eat freezer bread though). I don't buy bread all the time as we don't eat it every day, plus there's always some bread in the freezer. But how am I accountable for knowing exactly what bread there is or isnt? That was what annoyed me about his reaction.

OP posts:
goingonabearhunt1 · 03/04/2019 10:18

Why doesn't he buy more food if he's that concerned about it? I don't see why it's always your job to make sure there's food in the house.

Daenerys77 · 03/04/2019 10:23

If he has a good relationship with your children and has been in their lives for years, it seems odd that he won't have sex with you under same roof as them.

OKBobble · 03/04/2019 10:29

Get him to buy a pack of post it notes and label his food like a student does if it is that important to him Grin

Or get him to take his food home/to work with him and bring it with him when he comes.

His food his problem. Not yours.

Original poster
Linet · 03/04/2019 10:35

He says having sex when DC might hear is inappropriate.

I did think of the post its idea myself but thought he'd accuse me of taking the piss.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 03/04/2019 10:38

Does he have children?

Ruru8thestars · 03/04/2019 10:44

Throw him back

VeronicaDinner · 03/04/2019 10:44

Of course you are accountable for knowing whether or not you have bread. It's literally your sole responsibility.

burritofan · 03/04/2019 10:55

He sounds fucking awful and a fusspot to boot: if there's freezer bread, there's bread.

When I read the title of your thread I thought the irritating things were going to be minor, like talcum powder all over the bathroom floor or wet towels on the bed, not a whining manchild too precious for freezer bread who won't have sex in your house and only supports you when it's interesting to him to do so. 🚮

Exhaustedmummy1811 · 03/04/2019 10:55

Wow! I've been single almost 4 years now and if this is what 'a decent, happy relationship' looks like these days I think I'd rather stay on my own indefinitely. I have 5 children and could never be with a man that doesn't understand that them and their needs come first. As for the food my kids will eat anything in sight and it's their home, if people don't want them eating their food, don't bring it in to my house

Hearhere · 03/04/2019 10:56

In his mind he is the star of the show you play a supporting role and your children are mere extras
Stop letting him take charge, take the reins

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 03/04/2019 10:59

Well you both sound incompatible. You are not willing to talk things over and compromise with each other and you need to let your teens know which food is his.
You also said you were scared to talk to him because of his reaction.
Being able to fill out a job application for your kids is not a great basis for a relationship.
Confused

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/04/2019 11:03

Sounds like the 'good' times are dependent on doing what he wants and you making sure you don't 'push back' - otherwise known as asserting your own needs and wants?

Did you 'push' back before and find it detrimental to having good times or did you instinctively not because you knew it would ruin the good bits? Neither are signs of a positive, mutually respectful relationship.

Also find it very odd that a man who finds it 'inappropriate' to have sex in a home that has children would get into a relationship where children are involved. When are you having sex seeing as he seems to spend all his time at your home? Is he arranging babysitters so you can have time together for sex? Seems like sex avoidance to me.

He doesn't seem supportive of YOUR goals. He goes along with them when the suit him. Your goal of healthy eating does not suit him, so he's sabotaging it by insisting on unhealthy food being keep in the house and refusing to consider eating the low fat options- that I presume you are paying for, cooking and cleaning up after!?

Original poster
Linet · 03/04/2019 11:06

I'm not scared of him, I don't deliberately do things to provoke a reaction but that's more being considerate of his feelings rather than fearing his response.

Everyone we know thinks he/ our relationship is wonderful, that I'm so lucky to have found him etc. I know I am a difficult person too.

OP posts:
burritofan · 03/04/2019 11:07

Who cares what everyone you know thinks? Relationships aren't a public performance.

Scarydinosaurs · 03/04/2019 11:07

Does he work full time? Or have children?

This sounds like the kind of relationship that will slowly drain the joy out of you. I don’t think it is fair to keep moaning about the food at your house- it sounds to me as if he wants you to stay overweight like him.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 03/04/2019 11:08

So he doesn't share, he's critical of you, he nit picks, he isn't generous, he is rigid and needy about coming first (even over your children), he sulks, he makes you feel like his childish strips are your fault..he sounds like a dick.

Things that annoy people with otherwise 'good relationships' tend to be along the lines of : chews loudly, snores, obsessed with golf, tells bad jokes, gotten a bit fat etc....the stuff you're describing isn't 'annoying' it's bloody mean spirited.

Even if you didn't have children, I think people would tell you to dump him. The fact that there are children in the mix makes it a no brainer for me.

Don't get serious with a stingy, petty, immature and selfish man. These things that 'annoy' you in a date will break you as a wife or de facto.

outpinked · 03/04/2019 11:11

I don’t think you sound compatible tbh and you should consider finding someone who is more fun to be around.

Munchkingoat · 03/04/2019 11:18

Uuurgh get rid.

moosesormeece · 03/04/2019 11:18

I can't believe he wants you to travel to where he works away in order to have sex with him, and seems to genuinely believe that's a reasonable thing to expect of you. What the actual fuck.

Original poster
Linet · 03/04/2019 11:24

He used to live (and work) locally so sex would happen at his place. Since he moved and changed job we go to his one weekend a month (this is not where he works, but further away) or occasionally we stay in a hotel local to me as my DC are old enough to be left alone overnight.

OP posts:
FrozenMargarita17 · 03/04/2019 11:35

Buy him a sharpie to write his name on stuff 🤷‍♀️

If that's the way he's going to be, that's the way he has to play it.

Hearhere · 03/04/2019 11:43

Refusing to have sex when your children are present in the house, on the one hand I can see his point he might feel awkward if he's overheard, but it also suggest that he's not comfortable or relaxed when your children are around as if he doesn't see them as part of his life, when they are there he can't relax because his territory is invaded

Daenerys77 · 03/04/2019 11:46

When he has finished labelling the food, perhaps he should take one of those post-its, write 'I am not committed to this relationship' across it and stick it on his forehead. And by the way, if you accept someone's hospitality, whether it's for lunch or a weekend or a series of weekends, the convention is that you eat what you are given and say thank you, unless you have genuine medical or conscientious reasons for not eating certain foods.