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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being selfish and unreasonable in planning to ‘trap’ her DP into pregnancy.

72 replies

Elfintreehuggywugger · 02/04/2019 11:34

My DF has been going through a rough patch with her DP.

They’ve been together around 10 years, give or take. From what I can gather, her OH has tried to end their relationship several times over the past couple of years. She point blank refuses to move out and so does he.

He’s recently told her that he’s not loved her for years and they need to go their separate years - yet, they’re still sleeping together (according to her)

She’s heartbroken and devastated, evidently still very much in love with this man. She admitted to me last week that she hasn’t been taking her contraceptive pill for a while. She instantly admitted that she was crazy for even thinking about it but can bring herself to take it - she feels as though a baby is the one thing missing from their relationship and that it would bring them closer together.

I love my friend dearly but I honestly don’t see how this can end well. It’s deceptive, cruel and not fair on him, nor the baby.

Don’t get me wrong, if he was serious about ending things, he should’ve taken the first step to move out and he certainly shouldn’t still be using her for sex.

How do I sensitively warm her off this idea? I’ve tried already but it’s falling on deaf ears.

OP posts:
user1480880826 · 02/04/2019 17:22

Tell him. It’s not fair on him and it’s even less fair on the baby.

He’s clearly a twat but the baby deserves better than these two idiots for parents.

HolyForkingShirt · 02/04/2019 17:41

She is definitely abusive. Tell him.

Original poster
Elfintreehuggywugger · 02/04/2019 18:58

@MadameAnchou

I’ve never been in this position before. It’s a forum for others to ask advice. The general concensus would be to tell her DP.

I don’t recall calling her a twat anywhere on this thread?

OP posts:
GregoryPeckingDuck · 02/04/2019 19:03

that’s horrible. Does anyone know of any charities that help victims of emotional abuse? I can understand why he can’t leavd her but he really has to,

InspectorClouseauMNdivision · 02/04/2019 22:54

Haven't RTFT but saw some op's updates. Gr
Genuinely omg.

She is cunning and plain stupid or naive or nasty.
Child does NOT repair broken relationship... If anything itmay make it worse with all the stress.
Plus "trapping someone"?
Men are put in a prison for either poking holes in condoms or raking them off unbeknown to their partner!
Women not taming contraception while the sexual partner is told otherwise is equally wrong!

Tell her DP. And her threating a suicide? BS. I had that from a boyfriend when I was 17 after I tried to break from emotionally abusive relationship. It's the lowest thing ever...

InspectorClouseauMNdivision · 02/04/2019 22:55

Btw the charity is Mankind

donajimena · 02/04/2019 22:58

If you could trap a man by getting upduffed there wouldn't be so many of us left holding the baby! Very outdated thinking.

EmptyOrchestra · 03/04/2019 06:23

She honestly sounds like she is unwell and needs help. DH’s first longterm girlfriend was similar - every time he tried to end the relationship she threatened suicide, faked suicide attempts or fabricated a pregnancy. Luckily she didn’t actually get pregnant.

However, as I said to him at the time, you can’t be entrapped by pregnancy if you take responsibility for your own contraceptive measures - why is he relying on her taking the pill if he knows the relationship is over, if she’s threatening suicide and obviously unstable and seemingly abusive?

As for the PP who said it’s her problem if she can’t separate sex and love like he can, I massively disagree. That’s fine if you’re setting up a new fuck buddy - not if you’ve been in a longterm cohabiting relationship where he’s moved the goalposts and she’s threatening suicide if he leaves. He needs to stop having sex with her, disaster averted.

ukgift2016 · 03/04/2019 06:30

Let's be honest, how many women on here have 'accidents' lots of women do this, but rarely does anyone commit the sin of admitting it to anyone else!

It's an happy accident you see!

Feb2018mumma · 03/04/2019 06:46

I know a girl who did this and the guy now has a new wife and they are in the midst of a custody battle to try and get the child full time! It is such a bad idea but I'm not sure how you could talk to her without her getting offended or feeling judged, I can completely understand why you don't feel comfortable with it, such a silly thing to do!

Flaverings · 03/04/2019 06:47

Tell her dp

Tell him what? “You know every time you have sex with my friend? Well, your penis doesn’t have a condom on it”.

7circlemats · 03/04/2019 06:54

My SIL tried this, baby arrived but relationship was over less than a year later.

Ellenborough · 03/04/2019 06:57

I wouldn't say a word to either of them. They're as bad as each other.

Completely disagree. Her crime is far greater than his. Long term relationships in their final, drawn out death throes are complicated things. They are not black and white but many shades of grey.

In an ideal world he wouldn't still be sleeping with her, but he hasn't moved out so clearly the relationship is still wheezing along unhealthily while they both come to terms with what needs to happen eventually.

How many of us can say hand on heart we've never continued having sex with someone long after the signs are there that its not working and we should leave/end it? Just because it's he's making a hash of detaching himself from her, doesn't mean it isn't hurting him too.

Onceuponacheesecake · 03/04/2019 07:07

He's told her he doesn't love her yet still had sex with her without using a condom? What does he think is going to happen? He's stupid for relying on anyone else for contraception, especially someone who sounds as unhinged as your friend.

They sound awful together. As much as I'mHmm at the whole situation I don't think it's the worst thing that your oh spells this out to his friend in black and white cause God I'd pity any child brought into that.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 03/04/2019 07:13

He’s as bad as her for having sex with someone who he knows loves him but who he doesn’t love. He’s taking advantage of the situation.

Just to point out, she’s not taking her pill but equally he’s not using condoms (I’m guessing) and that’s his responsibility. No sympathy for him but I hope your friends plan doesn’t work- it will end so badly for her not to mention the messed up situation the child will be born into.

Ellenborough · 03/04/2019 07:55

But if they’ve agreed that she is on the pill and they’ve been together 10 years why on earth would he use condoms? Show me a couple who do this.

Obviously he’s stupid not to use condoms now, because he has told her her it’s not working for him. He should be less trustin, given the situation they are in. But that just means he’s being naive and complacent, not wicked or irresponsible.

ShatnersWigIsActuallyAMammoth · 03/04/2019 07:59

Pointless arguing which of the two "adults" is worst. The only salient point is that adding a baby/child into this would be bloody stupid and damned unfair on the child. Tell the partner.

Blondebakingmumma · 03/04/2019 08:06

Has your hubby warned his mate? At least then he can choose to use protection

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 03/04/2019 08:10

It doesn’t sound like they’re in a relationship anymore not a conventional one anyway.

Junkmail · 03/04/2019 08:16

One of my acquaintances did this and ended up a single mother and had to quit her job to care for her baby. She never sees the father. Tell your friend to take her birth control—it’s ridiculous and not fair on anyone, least of all the baby who will end up stuck in the middle.

Original poster
Elfintreehuggywugger · 03/04/2019 11:08

DH told his friend last night. He’s found full pill packets hidden and says he hasn’t had sex with her for weeks nor has he confronted her about it. So i suppose he’s pre empted her there already which is a good thing.

DH has really drummed into him that he needs to walk away from her now. Even if he moves out of their home, he has to do it and not soften at her suicide threats etc.

OP posts:
LucyAutumn · 03/04/2019 21:46

Well done OP. Sounds like he was suspicious anyway but hopefully this will have given him the wake up call he needs.

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